Machination by Keith McDuffee - Short, Romantic Comedy -  Two unlikely lovers, separated by a seemingly impossible distance, plot to bring themselves closer together. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hi Keith

A few thoughts, just my opinion of course.

1) Unless you intend to film this yourself, you need to remove the direction in the action lines, e.g. 'center on', 'from the tanning bed's vantage point' Director and DP will figure that sort of stuff out.
2) No need for CUT TO, the fact that there's a new slugline informs of the cut.
3) You should show not tell... e,g, 'He's clearly smitten.' how do we know?
4) Check fotr typos and speeling, e.g. and a speedo... you wears 'speedos', 'not a speedo'  
5) I think you should have them delivered in the same truck too, and show some indication that they have already fallen for each other.., I think that would work better.

I think there's a good idea in here but the script needs some work. Good luck with it.

Anthony

Keith,

Can machines ever fall in love?  Some comments need to be laundered; some should never see the tan of day.

I think you might have a better opening, if both the tanning bed and the washer come off the same truck.  They fell in love and are now separated?  

And they go through the throes of love.  Works for me.  If you could give them a more star-crossed look, it might help.  I'm not sure how you do that, but think Romeo and Juliet?

And the machines lead to the humans breaking the ice.  Seems too good to be true, but I buy it.  Might be more poignant if they had a small tiff first.  Her brother got the bad tan job; his mother had her best dress ruined.  They get some conflict before they realize they like each other.

And the machines find happiness in the used section.  Fine with me.

Good work. Another edit.

Best
Richard