Solo Trip by Manolis Froudarakis (Athenian) - Short, Thriller, Dark Comedy - A curfew is declared. A man is out. Truly fearful. 3 pages - pdf, format

So this is kind of funny.

The dialogue for MAN is mostly throw-away -- we will sense his thoughts with him verbalizing them for us.  My advice is to get rid of them.

I would also suggest that you briefly show the "military guy" before moving to his POV through the binoculars -- as he is never on-camera, a viewer would have no idea that this is a military guy at all.

Not a bad payoff for a microshort at all.

Hey Bert, thanks for the read and the comment!

Both your suggestions make sense. I had thought of showing the "military guy", but wasn't sure how to show only him (without soldiers, vehicles etc. around). Perhaps some sort of close-up could solve the problem.

As for the dialogue, I just thought a couple of lines like "You can do it!" or "Jesus!" could be funny in retrospect, i.e. after finding out the real reason for those reactions. Apart from that, I agree that the man doesn't need to talk at all.

Thanks again, I appreciate the input!

Manolis

Manolis

I thought this was going to be another one of those somewhat pointless teaser scripts where we’re treated to a short scene, a set-up and pay off skit-like scenario or an introductory sequence to a larger story before being greeted with an exasperating FADE OUT.

However, I laughed out loud at the last line here…except doesn’t agoraphobia mean a fear of open spaces as well as crowds so wouldn’t the president be freaking out in this ghost city too? Agoraphobic people are generally house bound, no?

And of course how could someone with such an extreme case of this particular fear ever become president…but I get that’s kinda missing the point.

It still worked for me though because I can appreciate nonetheless what you were going for. You just need to find a more rigidly suitable phobia

Col.

Hi Manolis

Gerontophobia is the phobia of old people, Anthropophobia is fear of people... they'd work too...

Not sure this works for me as the punchline is just exposition, but writing is crisp enough.

Anthony

Manolis,

i'm generally afraid to make stupid comments.  foot-in-mouth-phobia?

Besides, the obvious--POTUS never goes anywhere without Secret Service, especially in an uncontrolled environment.  That he would be agoraphobic would make his job intolerable since he has to travel, meet with people from all over, and generally interact with folks.  Doesn't make sense.

On the other hand, if you can make it futuristic, where POTUS doesn't need to interact, then you can run with this one.  And I'm not sure why the park is safe haven when the street isn't.  

Last, if they're going to shoot on sight, then they are not 'requested' to stay indoors, they are 'ordered' to stay indoors.

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read and the comments everyone!

- Hey Col, glad you liked the payoff. Since the guy is fearful despite the curfew, I think he is agoraphobic (i.e. he's afraid of open spaces too). It is also implied, obviously, that he didn't use to suffer from agoraphobia. People can develop anxiety disorders later in their life.

- Hi Anthony, sorry that the punchline didn't work for you. Not sure how I could have done it differently.

I do understand what these -Greek - words mean. I chose "agoraphobia" over "anthropophobia" for the reason I explain above. As for "gerontophobia", no. I just used the old lady to make the whole thing funnier and explain why she was out and didn't recognize the President (moving and vision disabilities).

- Hi Richard! I agree that "ordered" would be a better word here, thanks.

Like I told Col, I didn't mean that the President was always an agoraphobic. His problem is recent, so he's fighting it (sort of). Walking "alone" to the park was his current target, so he's happy he has achieved it.

Thank you all for the input!

Crisply written.  

Manolis, another short and sweet one that had me chuckling. Well done.

I think the current logline is not quite as good as it could be, reads a bit stilted.

Out after curfew, a man must face his deepest fear.

That's not perfect cause it's a late here and I'm a little weary, but something along those lines.

Kind of a Gary Larsen cartoon in script form. As such, concerns about this and that don't matter too much. It's funny.

Henry

Nicely written, didn't get the punchline at the end at first so had to look up Agoraphobia just to confirm my understanding of it.

According to the interweb, agoraphobia is a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult, or help wouldn't be available if things go wrong. As the President knows he has snipers following his every move it seems odd he would be so concerned over an old woman but I suppose it works and it is really different!

-Mark

I enjoyed it. think you coulda done a little more with it, though. Seems as though it ended before it even got started. GJ, though

Tony.

Hey Manolis:

I liked the action lines, very visual, could see it all in my head flawlessly. The dialogue had a nice comical tone too, the man's "Relax! You can do it!" felt superfluous, though.

I thought the killing of the old lady didn't quite fit into the picture and turned it all too dark and immoral. Maybe it represents the world considering that entire streets are locked down so the President can overcome his phobia; a totalitarian state with a figurehead that would be comical if it wasn't sad is what popped into my head during the read. That's also why, contrary to RichardR, I liked the word "requested". It's clearly an order masked as a request, but that's what makes it great and fitting imo. Back to the shooting, I still wonder whether that scene could maybe work with a tranquilizer dart instead of a lethal shot. Just an idea.

I think this would fit into a collection of sketches very well, but I think that it's missing something as a stand-alone. Anyway, good read as usual!

OT: Thoughts on Syriza?

Quoted from Athenian Like I told Col, I didn't mean that the President was always an agoraphobic. His problem is recent, so he's fighting it (sort of). Walking "alone" to the park was his current target, so he's happy he has achieved it.

- I like this angle on it. Its a rehabilitative, one-step-at-a-time process. I guess I assumed he was always this way.

Also, the idea of a President developing agoraphobia is both comical and telling...as if being around "his people" has turned him off them to the point of developing a phobia.

- Hi eldave1, thanks for the read and the compliment!

- Hey Libby, glad you enjoyed it. I don't like the logline very much either - thanks for the suggestion!

- Hi Henry, thank you for the positive comment! I like Gary Larsen too.

- Thanks, Mark! Glad you think this is something different. As for the word "agoraphobia", I can see from the comments that is not as common in English as I thought.

- Thank you, Tony! I do think this works better as a micro-short. Glad you liked it despite your different opinion.

- Hey DS, thanks for the comment! I think the murder of the old lady could be funny (if appropriately filmed) this way:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wvKPaIWz5xk



Also, I wanted to create the initial impression that the man was in real danger. Anyway, glad you enjoyed the read overall.

As for Syriza, I'm sympathetic, but not very optimistic. A referendum on the euro will likely be their only choice eventually.

- Thanks for the new comment, Col! Interesting insight.