The Phantom Barber by Alex Krycek - Short, Comedy - Filthy, insatiable, a fiend of the night -- the Phantom Barber, sometimes mistaken as Frank Sidebottom, terrorizes the town of Pascagoula, Mississippi. - pdf, format

Frank Sidebottom is always worth a laugh.

I'm at page 4 and, despite it being well written, I'm struggling with this one. The premise is a little too absurd for me. Looking at the page count, I really don't want to finish.

This is one I'm going to have to come back to. Out at page 8. The story is so messed up I'm finding it a real struggle to want to stick with it.

This was a great choice for an urban legend.  I'd never heard of the Phantom Barber and actually looked it up before I read this just to see if it was real.  Sure enough.  Thought the script started out great, written with skill and confidence.  But as it went on, the bizarre nature of the humor began to drag on the story.  Everyone acted and spoke so nonsensically that it was hard to care about them.  And the tone seemed a little shaky at times.  Once the little cancer girl appeared, things took a noticeably darker turn.  

Had to look up this Frank Sidebottom to see what the fuss was about.  Guess this makes the writer English?  Maybe.

I think the page count worked against this script.  This story could have been easily told in 7 or 8 pages.  But an extra half star for the inclusion of the denim cutoffs.  Those are an urban legend unto themselves around here.

I had *no* idea there was even a Phantom Barber urban legend.  I DID Google it, and apparently there is something in Mississippi.  So the writer's not totally pulling it out of their... well, you know.

That said, this is wildly imaginative.  I did giggle at several select jokes early in the story.  And the starting old-timey tone was fun as well.  And yes, "Dick Wrangler" was also amusing.  (BTW - I'm guessing the writer of this one is from the UK.  Based on a certain bit of spelling...)

I DO feel this one ultimately went too far astray and ran too long.  Rein it in multiple pages and focus it a bit, and you could have something that's crazily goofy, but fun!  

I knew from the opening paragraph that this one wasn't for me. Nothing wrong with the writing, just not my bag, as they say.

There would be little point in me reading it, just to say I didn't like it. These things usually find a fanbase during the OWC. Good luck with it.

Phantom

gosh, he's a fiend of the night. well lets see…

a good twist and i did love the farce element, but yeah it dragged, and the denim in joke wasn't for me.

i do love the idea of a community being completely unaware, or delusional, and the one sane person struggling to be told.

fair effort

As I go...

Phantom barber?  For real?  Hmmm, let's see...

Opening is absurdly cheesy, but I have a feeling this could be abig old pisser.

OK...sorry, but this ain't for me.  No way will I get more than a few pages in with this style of writing.  Just not me shite, bro.

Writing style:
I am jealous, man. People like you make screenwriting seem easy, even though it really isn't. You orchestrated those scenes with such elegance that I knew right away that I'm in good hands. Using the montage and inserting flashbacks to establish character back story seamlessly takes skill and you got it. If I had anything to object to is the scene with two boys fighting. When they spoke you didn't distinct who said what. It disrupted the flow of the story for me for moment because I had to double check I hadn't missed anything.

Dialogue:
It's all good. Even the voice over of the narrator felt right and in place.

You managed to juggle a lot of characters in this narrative while keeping them distinct from each other. You gave each his own voice no matter how few his or her lines were. I was impressed.

"Are you fucking serious?" Felt odd among the rest of the lines for some reason. I can't tell you why, but I felt that it didn't belong there.

Characters:
The main ones had reasonable depth for a script that short. But I couldn't pick any character to side with. I couldn't tell whom to feel sorry for, whom to like, nor whom to dislike. Which was odd, since they all felt real for me nonetheless. I suspect that not putting them in situation that would tell whether they're good or evil has something to do with the problem.

Story:
I loved the narrative style you chose. It was wonderfully done too. But as the story progressed, I failed to appreciate the stakes. What would happen if the barber stayed loose? What would happen if they catch him? So I was a bit detached thrill-wise. As for the comedy, it was there.  

The mystery unfolded in an awkward way. It didn't build anticipation before giving answers and reveals. So I was just flipping the pages because I wanted to know where you are going with it, not because I was eager to know what happens to the characters or what happens next.

Overall:
I admire your talent. I hope to achieve that level one day. But I would advise you to have stronger skeleton for your story. Meaning, the main timeline has to be well-structured. Setup, conflict, resolution. Once you do that, you can add all fun stuff you want around it. Like decorations on a Christmas tree, the tree is the key element, the decoration come after.

Well done and good job.

With so many scripts to read, I'm annoyed by this one. I think the writer (who is clearly skilled) is just showing off. I suppose the technical term is Pissing.

The premise has all kinds of comic possibilities -- "I hear Timothy Evans woke up with a
pompadour two towns over," for example. Very funny.

However, the writer doesn't trust the material, or maybe he doesn't trust his ability to handle the material.

So, we get Johnny Dick Wrangler. The barber cuts off his penis. Plus in-jokes about cut-off denim shorts (already tiresome on the SS boards). Willie with the Afro shouting "I'm Jewish," Frank Sidebottom, and...Enough.

I love the legend ( I assume it's legit) but the look-what-I-can-do approach ticks me off.

Urban Legend None given.

^Yeah. You read that right ^
None given.

See, part of the problem with the script is that The Phantom Barber actually existed, and in the 1940s committed a number of serial B & Es, and assaulted women, usually taking locks of his victim's hair. Next to no research on the subject.  So making this a "farce" seems a bit out of place. It also calls attention to the bad writing.

Right from the get go, a tasteless joke regarding castration, along with a character having a ironic pun name.Oh dear. One joke about it too - repeated. Another character with another bad pun name and screams to the police to SUCK ME OFF PIGGY and um...I quit reading after that. I didn't care anymore. The script is a yellow arch in the wind.

The comedy seems a little forced to start, but I think that's the overall tone and style, sort of absurdist, not for me but each to his own!

I liked the whodunnit element and didn't spot the twist, so good job there.

Just not my cup o tea

Anthony

I think it's absurdist and funny and almost Monty Python like in its nature.  The writing is spot on, and while not all the jokes hit the mark, there is a pretty sharp hand at work here.

The story doesn't make a whole lot of sense logically, and that's probably what is throwing people off, but I had no problem with it.  I found it a fun romp and one of my favorites of the competition so far.

Gary

I think this definitely has the potential to be really funny if it were like 5 to 6 pages. The UL is ridiculous so the tone of this piece is fitting. But with quirky skit-like material like this, with no real story, best to make it short. Good idea though. And good comedy writing on display.

I’m a little confused from the get-go. The noise is ear-numbing but it’s still forming. Not sure what to make of that.

Comes into motion – What does this mean? Wouldn’t we know this from the actual dialogue anyway. From the start, I have an idea of the author. Well, actually, I’m pretty sure I know - it’s funny how you spot styles of writing. Of course, this means I’m going to be well off the mark now.

Hell of an opening slug – this is a comedy which is nice to see, I really expected there to be lots of horrors during this OWC.

Does Johnny stand on the broken glass shards? Who is he? John McClane – that’s gotta hurt.

“Still dressed” Still? Like we’ve him in his pyjamas before.

So I wonder if this going to have a narrator all the way through? This might be difficult to pull off so let’s see how you go.

I think you could tighten a lot of the action and a typo on the first page as well but that’s no biggie, we always get those in a OWC.

“Johnny blasts up.” This means jump, right?

“Why, you ask?” Indeed I do good, sir – would you mind sharing this tale Mr. Narrator. There’s a children’s book vibe to this so far (obviously not the missing penis part)

“That shave! It’s so... Clean.” Now this has turned into a commercial for Gillette – the best a man can get!

“Mayor Baker steals a glance at the camera.” What camera? Wait a minute – this is definitely a commercial. All that is missing is David Beckham. I can see the slogan now - Gillette is so good and effortless, you’d think a Phantom Barber had shaved for you. I like it!

“He chopped your penis off, you psycho. What are you even doing here?” I know he’s not in with all the Phantom Barber stuff so I should hate him, but I do have to admit… he has a point! I mean, clean shave over chopped off penis. That opens the question – was he clean shaven… down below. It would have helped with the chopping off of the penis.

The Husband has turned into Father – now it’s possible he could be a father but for consistency, it’s probably best to either one.

Shouldn’t peeps be scared of the Phantom Barber or have I completely missed something? Yes, this is supposed to be a comedy but he’s chopping off dicks! Fantastic, I got a side-parting and it’s well worth my ding-dong gone forever. I’m not following at the moment.

Oh God, all the dweeb talk has really knocked this down – get rid of the Frat boys. I want to say I like this but I’m just not finding this funny at all. It’s not your fault, this just isn’t my thing but I’m hoping that things will get better…

The frat boys are in an alley, how can they see the Barber “vaulting” Is it a pole vault? Anyway, how can they see him from the alley?

There is a lot of convenient “nearby” things around or maybe it’s just the wording. Again, the Phantom Barber could have only gone between two buildings, right?

I wonder if you should have capped “dead body” the first time? Feels strange that you did it the second time of mentioning it is all.

“standing nearby.” See, told ya – conveniently “nearby”

“Phantom’s noble deeds” Say again?! He still hasn’t told us why Johnny was so happy about his missing penis?

“The Nurse, hurt by his comment, storms out.” A bit unprofessional – was she helping with the surgery, or maybe I’m taking this story too seriously.

“Hello, doll face.” That is one great detective! How did he know it was a woman? She didn’t say anything. Ah, see I should have read further – he’s a real man and they know everything. I really wish Detective Manchester had been in this more – he could have been a good character. Guess there’s still time…

And now a young girl with cancer – this upsets the balance a bit but let’s see where you go with this. Hard to achieve comedy with such a subject. It can be done of course…

“MY NAME IS FRANK SIDEBOTTOM!” Yeah, you’ve lost me completely now.

“INT. POLICE STATION - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY

Four walls.”

This is the biggest laugh I’ve had so far – this goes into pisser territory. Too bad that was preceded it wasn’t as funny.

It kinda feels like you’ve given up now and have gone all guns blazing to see how stupid this can go.

Sally keeps the wig on? Won’t the kids make more fun of her? I don’t see the motivations at all, I thought this was going to make the Phantom Barber a hero or something but I was well off the mark.

“Little Sally” So this actually her name, I thought you were trying to be funny. I wonder if she’s tall for her age?

Watch out for awkward comma’s that hurt the read.

“If I were to entertain your vague accusations, Waldo” Where is he? Yeah, you’ve thrown in the towel now.

“Hannibal Lector mask.” I wish they’d put like a swimming cap on him – something that ties in with hair.

“Jumps into a car as he drives off.” That’s impressive! He jumped in the car while he was driving off. That means he was in two places at once.

“Detective Manchester” Are you calling him by his full name all the time on purpose?

Yeah, I kinda guessed the ending. Was a little disappointed that I didn’t find out why Johnny was happy.
What can I say? This is a OWC and all be told, a difficult one at that. To give urban legends a new twist. I guess when all is said and done, I didn’t enjoy this one – I found the tone off. The comedy went from cheesy to plain slapstick like the writer threw away the plan after page 8.

In saying that, it was different – I doubt I’ll read anything similar but some of the choices made left me wondering what could have been here – it has potential and is written by someone who knows their way around a script.

The main problem with this story is it’s all over the place with no one character to follow or any clear motivations for anyone. It’s disjointed and it doesn’t matter whether your story is Gravity, or Naked Gun – We need to know who we are following in the story. That was missing here as well as the tone which again ranged from dark/wink-wink to plain old stupid comedy. It needs to be consistent IMO, but hey – comedy is subjective and others may love this type of strange tale.

In part, this reminded me of a "Two Ronnies" sketch called "The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town", which I found hilarious. Unfortunately, this script wasn't so for me.

It dragged rather than held my attention, to be honest. I'm not entirely sure what the whole Frank Sidebottom thing was all about. It seemed just a little too random to be included for humour's sake.

It wasn't for me, this one, but the writing itself was quite good.