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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Death Road - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Death Road by Escobar Gallardo - Short, Horror, Mystery - A year after Andrew and Stacey are involved in a car crash, they unknowingly meet again when Stacey hitches a ride.  - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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The ending was kind of cute, but it felt a bit sloppy getting there. I guess she didn't die in the original crash, but, with this story, you're saying that she had absolutely no clue who Andrew was. Didn't see his picture on TV (for his death) or hear stories or anything like that? Even an off-handed remark like, "You look kinda familiar" from Stacey would mean a lot. I mean, she would have known what he looked like, but maybe the image fades after a year or so. Either way, there is a lot of conversation in the script that doesn't need to be. Try cutting down on it and you'll be okay.

D+.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I don't really get it.

I'm sure you know what you were trying to get across, but it's unclear and not in a good way, either.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes.  Lots of awkward lines as well.  Dialogue doesn't work as written, either.  Although just over 6 pages, it feels very padded with lots of unecessary filler.

Bottom line is that this is just rather dull and very forgettable.  No characters were even remotely well developed and because of that, it's impossible to really care about them.  So, as I started out saying, I don't really get it, but I also don't really care, sorry to say.

It's not terrible by any means, but it needs lots fo work.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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pale yellow
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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I was interested by your logline. Good premise to actually meet someone that you nearly killed. I like that idea.

Starting out with Andrew's phone call, we don't learn much from this except he has a wife and wants someone to be awake. Then we get another driver with a phone call. Maybe use something like texting to change it up a bit so it doesn't feel like the scenes were just placed there to set up the wreck.

And I'm confused now because I thought Andrew just got in a wreck. One minute you say Andrew isn't moving in his car after the wreck and the next he's kissing his wife and checking on the baby. ???

Ok so Andrew was a ghost? But why then did he pick up Stacey hitchhiking? I mean it may've been better for him to try to discourage her from getting in or something as to keep from killing her and himself ...like maybe he could change the outcome of the terrible accident.

This story needs work. The dialogue could use some more work. But good job at completing an entry.


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Stumpzian
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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This one sort of ran off the road, so to speak. Pretty ragged in places, enough so that it was hard to focus on who was alive and who was dead.



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nawazm11
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it's a decent enough script, slightly sub-par if I had to be picky. I knew somebody would do the story with the ghost passenger and change it to ghost driver instead, and I know I'm gonna see a few others with the same as well. The thing is, it's obvious straight from the get go you were going to try and sneak the 'new twist' onto the reader, which is bad -- because if I know what's happening before it happens, I'd much rather not read the script at all.

It's a hard one to judge really, since you could argue that if this wasn't an urban legend OWC, I wouldn't know what would happen, but then again, that's rare too. The script needs something more really.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Just read another script based on this Legend.

Some of the writing here was good. The part with Andrew and Stacey in the car together was very natural.

This makes an interesting attempt at changing things up and introducing a revenge element. It was hard to follow, had to go back three times to work out what was happening.

Hard to say how I feel about this one. It wasn't bad, but like so many others....it all just feels like it's been done already.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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What IS it with all the UK writers in this OWC??    Just kidding.  It's just that I'm noticing so many phrases and spellings with "ou" in them.  It's fun to pick out the non-Yanks...!  

But: onto the script itself.  An interesting twist on the 'ghost lingering on after a bad accident' concept.  But I think the twists were a bit too much.  For instance, having Andrew both in the car that picks up Stacey, and then in the car that hits her head-on.  

I'd also argue that you really need a super showing that time's gone by, after "Andrew" looks in on his infant son.  Because my initial reaction was that this happened only minutes after the crash, which threw me for a loop and just didn't make sense.  

The writing's a bit rough, but that's totally understandable for an OWC.  So no negative points there!  
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Death road

longline seems fine, even if I'm wondering how, but thats what the script is for.

one problem with this challenge is that inevitably we looked up urban legends. This reminds me of the one with the hidden bend with all the crashed cars in the bottom…lets see…

well it wasn't that one, may be inspired by the idea.

i don't mind scripts with a dead person who we think is alive etc but one that was driving and goes - how does that happen

it also comes across a revenge when he's already dead`, yet he's driving the other car. yup, tad lost

but, i like the sense of two victims meeting in other circumstances. something in that


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eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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On a positive note, I very much liked the crisp and clear style is the script opened. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but I've read too many scripts where I am somewhat lost by the end of the 2nd page. Here I knew exactly who was doing what.

So, I am right there with you - the guy dies in the car accident and, as a ghost, visits his house - good till there. In went off the wheels for me a little in the closing - (what describe it for spoiler reasons).

A nit:


Quoted Text
STACEY
I really didn’t know he was going to be here tonight. I’m seriously having second thoughts.


Be “here” – shouldn’t it be – “be there”


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing like revenge by ghost.  Although I would rather he kill her in some other fashion.  Another car crash seems overkill.  Still, this one could be good if the reversals were expanded.  Who's dead, who's alive...hmmm

Best
Richard
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Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

ANDREW
Wanna unload on a stranger?


I'm going to have to try that chat up line one day.

Code

Stacey stares out her window, in her own little world.


You do a lot of this, so I'm going to point it out... watch for over usage of 'her'. Switch out for 'the' sometimes.

Not a bad story. Little bit of work and I could see this one being filmed.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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A simple tale effectively told.

Just wonder if it be better with the leads switched round?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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Leegion
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing premise and the overall story makes sense to me.

I did like how both of them met again after the original incident only for an event to unfold that this guy is driving the SAME road he was when "it" happened.  I believe I know this urban legend, saw it in Supernatural once, I think.  

Enjoyable, confusing for people who don't know the legend, I'm sure.  Nice little tale here.
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stevie
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 2:38am Report to Moderator
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Yeah a good concept not quite handled to make it shine. Writing is good, all the ingredients are there for a neat little short. Just needs a little caressing and a lotta patience. Story of my life...lol


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