SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:32pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Death Road - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Death Road - OWC  (currently 3418 views)
Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:09am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Death Road by Escobar Gallardo - Short, Horror, Mystery - A year after Andrew and Stacey are involved in a car crash, they unknowingly meet again when Stacey hitches a ride.  - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
Administrator


What good are choices if they're all bad?

Location
Nowhere special.
Posts
3064
Posts Per Day
0.57
The ending was kind of cute, but it felt a bit sloppy getting there. I guess she didn't die in the original crash, but, with this story, you're saying that she had absolutely no clue who Andrew was. Didn't see his picture on TV (for his death) or hear stories or anything like that? Even an off-handed remark like, "You look kinda familiar" from Stacey would mean a lot. I mean, she would have known what he looked like, but maybe the image fades after a year or so. Either way, there is a lot of conversation in the script that doesn't need to be. Try cutting down on it and you'll be okay.

D+.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I don't really get it.

I'm sure you know what you were trying to get across, but it's unclear and not in a good way, either.

Writing-wise, lots and lots of mistakes.  Lots of awkward lines as well.  Dialogue doesn't work as written, either.  Although just over 6 pages, it feels very padded with lots of unecessary filler.

Bottom line is that this is just rather dull and very forgettable.  No characters were even remotely well developed and because of that, it's impossible to really care about them.  So, as I started out saying, I don't really get it, but I also don't really care, sorry to say.

It's not terrible by any means, but it needs lots fo work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 24
Pale Yellow
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
I was interested by your logline. Good premise to actually meet someone that you nearly killed. I like that idea.

Starting out with Andrew's phone call, we don't learn much from this except he has a wife and wants someone to be awake. Then we get another driver with a phone call. Maybe use something like texting to change it up a bit so it doesn't feel like the scenes were just placed there to set up the wreck.

And I'm confused now because I thought Andrew just got in a wreck. One minute you say Andrew isn't moving in his car after the wreck and the next he's kissing his wife and checking on the baby. ???

Ok so Andrew was a ghost? But why then did he pick up Stacey hitchhiking? I mean it may've been better for him to try to discourage her from getting in or something as to keep from killing her and himself ...like maybe he could change the outcome of the terrible accident.

This story needs work. The dialogue could use some more work. But good job at completing an entry.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
Stumpzian
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18

This one sort of ran off the road, so to speak. Pretty ragged in places, enough so that it was hard to focus on who was alive and who was dead.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
nawazm11
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
Well, it's a decent enough script, slightly sub-par if I had to be picky. I knew somebody would do the story with the ghost passenger and change it to ghost driver instead, and I know I'm gonna see a few others with the same as well. The thing is, it's obvious straight from the get go you were going to try and sneak the 'new twist' onto the reader, which is bad -- because if I know what's happening before it happens, I'd much rather not read the script at all.

It's a hard one to judge really, since you could argue that if this wasn't an urban legend OWC, I wouldn't know what would happen, but then again, that's rare too. The script needs something more really.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 2:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Just read another script based on this Legend.

Some of the writing here was good. The part with Andrew and Stacey in the car together was very natural.

This makes an interesting attempt at changing things up and introducing a revenge element. It was hard to follow, had to go back three times to work out what was happening.

Hard to say how I feel about this one. It wasn't bad, but like so many others....it all just feels like it's been done already.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 24
wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:14am Report to Moderator
Guest User



What IS it with all the UK writers in this OWC??    Just kidding.  It's just that I'm noticing so many phrases and spellings with "ou" in them.  It's fun to pick out the non-Yanks...!  

But: onto the script itself.  An interesting twist on the 'ghost lingering on after a bad accident' concept.  But I think the twists were a bit too much.  For instance, having Andrew both in the car that picks up Stacey, and then in the car that hits her head-on.  

I'd also argue that you really need a super showing that time's gone by, after "Andrew" looks in on his infant son.  Because my initial reaction was that this happened only minutes after the crash, which threw me for a loop and just didn't make sense.  

The writing's a bit rough, but that's totally understandable for an OWC.  So no negative points there!  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 24
Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Part time writer

Location
The Island of Jersey
Posts
2612
Posts Per Day
0.57
Death road

longline seems fine, even if I'm wondering how, but thats what the script is for.

one problem with this challenge is that inevitably we looked up urban legends. This reminds me of the one with the hidden bend with all the crashed cars in the bottom…lets see…

well it wasn't that one, may be inspired by the idea.

i don't mind scripts with a dead person who we think is alive etc but one that was driving and goes - how does that happen

it also comes across a revenge when he's already dead`, yet he's driving the other car. yup, tad lost

but, i like the sense of two victims meeting in other circumstances. something in that


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
eldave1
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
On a positive note, I very much liked the crisp and clear style is the script opened. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but I've read too many scripts where I am somewhat lost by the end of the 2nd page. Here I knew exactly who was doing what.

So, I am right there with you - the guy dies in the car accident and, as a ghost, visits his house - good till there. In went off the wheels for me a little in the closing - (what describe it for spoiler reasons).

A nit:


Quoted Text
STACEY
I really didn’t know he was going to be here tonight. I’m seriously having second thoughts.


Be “here” – shouldn’t it be – “be there”


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Nothing like revenge by ghost.  Although I would rather he kill her in some other fashion.  Another car crash seems overkill.  Still, this one could be good if the reversals were expanded.  Who's dead, who's alive...hmmm

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

ANDREW
Wanna unload on a stranger?


I'm going to have to try that chat up line one day.

Code

Stacey stares out her window, in her own little world.


You do a lot of this, so I'm going to point it out... watch for over usage of 'her'. Switch out for 'the' sometimes.

Not a bad story. Little bit of work and I could see this one being filmed.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 24
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
A simple tale effectively told.

Just wonder if it be better with the leads switched round?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
Leegion
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
England
Posts
491
Posts Per Day
0.10
Intriguing premise and the overall story makes sense to me.

I did like how both of them met again after the original incident only for an event to unfold that this guy is driving the SAME road he was when "it" happened.  I believe I know this urban legend, saw it in Supernatural once, I think.  

Enjoyable, confusing for people who don't know the legend, I'm sure.  Nice little tale here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
stevie
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 2:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Yeah a good concept not quite handled to make it shine. Writing is good, all the ingredients are there for a neat little short. Just needs a little caressing and a lotta patience. Story of my life...lol



Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    February 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006