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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Poetry Corner - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Poetry Corner by Anthony Cawood (writing as: Don "The Matador" Everest) - Short, Horror - Four school friends dare each other to take on an urban legend and prove that there's nothing to be scared of... could there be though?  - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 10:25am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Poetry corner

Logline doesn't wow me, but I really can't talk on loglines !

First page - a handful of characters introduced. Did you need so many?

At times I found the banter etc a bit distracting, but I did like the Siri element, clever angle on it, with the sense that Siri now wanted to get its own back.

With a few changes this could be filmed.

I still think it needs some work, like everyone script does, but the modernisation part works well.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Opening Slug is poor - absolutely no reason for "DUSTY" in a Slug.  Reads goofy.

Very awkward in your phrasings.  I don't even know what you're referring to with "whiff of the rodent about of him" - absolutely clueless.

Too many characters intro'd all together and nothing going on in this scene.  All dialogue for the opening 4 pages not the way to go.  The dialogue itself is weak, wooden, and unrealistic.

Page 3 - "...punches Dale on the arm..." - Oh boy...a HUGE pet peeve of mine.  Maybe this is a regional thing, but here in the states, it's "in the arm".  Just reads like the writer has no idea how to punch someone, which may well be the case...

A few instances of "makes to" - this just doesn't read well again, but maybe this is another regional thing.  It doesn't work for me at all, and I'm about to bail...

Page 4 - "BOY'S BEDROOM" - Really?  It appears to be Dale's Bedroom...no?

This one's just not going anywhere, or maybe it's just taking way to long to get to wherever it's going to go.  I'm out.  Sorry.
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Ryan1
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Too many characters introduced too quickly, with very little to distinguish one from the other.   The first four and a half pages was nothing but talking head expo.  I understand the legend itself has to be laid down to the reader, but I think this could have been done in a single page with maybe two characters.  I think we needed to see Dale's fate, instead of just hearing about it from the teacher the next day.  Very little impact because of the way that was handled.  

This isn't a bad idea, a cursed poem being spoken out loud by Siri, but too much of this tale was told through dialogue.  Very little happened in front of us.  A good revision would tighten this up a lot.
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EWall433
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Having Siri read the death poem could’ve lead to some interesting tangents. Missed opportunity I think.

“Dale’s dead... An accident, horrible, really horrible.” Welcome Miss Zerkovski, your teacher of the year.

I suppose it’s to be expected, but this feels incomplete. There’s a lot of talking in the beginning and it turns out two of the characters aren’t really needed for this version of the story. I do think there’s something in having the poem “possess” Siri and the phone. An ancient passive evil being made active and interconnected with modern technology could work like Stephen King’s The Cell meets Final Destination, but right now the story’s a ways off from meeting that potential IMO.
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nawazm11
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Damn, reading the first page, I don't think I can get through this if I tried.

A few pages in, what are these kids talking about? Really struggling to understand anything.

Good old Goggle.com, I bought some goggles the other day.

"MISS ZERKOVSKI
An accident, horrible, really
horrible." Damn, Miss Zerkovski doesn't like her job, does she?

This could've been something had it not been so dense. There's a lot of talking, a lot of talking where they react about events, and a lot of talking where there should be action. Needs some work.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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This wasn't all bad.

Unlike others, I didn't have a problem understanding all the characters. You created a nice tone. It felt like a J-Horror type story.

Unfortunately like every other script I've read...it's just the same old story. Taking a well-known legend and retelling it over a longer page count.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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I found this difficult to get through. It dragged on and on and by the time I got to the end, I'd lost all interest in what the story was actually about. I'm still not quite sure what happened.
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wonkavite
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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A mixed bag on this one for me.  

On the plus side: I LOVED the concept.  It's positively killer (pun intended).  I'd never heard of Tomino before, so this one was an interesting learning experience.  BTW: this site has the creepiest picture: http://www.scaryforkids.com/tomino/  

And incorporating Siri?  Also masterful!  

Cons: For me, the back and forth with the kids *seriously* dragged.  The gem of this story is definitely, definitely there - but I'd suggest reworking this one from bottom to top.  Tighten it.  Get more atmospheric details in.  Get to the creepy stuff WAY earlier.

So - it's got major potential, but needs work IMHO.
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Stumpzian
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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I like your use of Siri. (I try to avoid her. I always feel as if she's watching me.)

I thought the kid talk was handled fairly well. You used dialogue to move the story without loading in exposition. Yes, probably could be trimmed some.

Too many characters?  Not really. The two boys had names starting D, so maybe this confused some people. I suppose you could get rid of Lee.

Was intrigued by the poem but didn't get enough of it to grasp the threat.

Henry



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RichardR
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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This one works as far as it goes.  Although killing off Siri might be a real twist.  Or killing off the phone.  can inanimate objects be killed?  In any case, I sorta liked the idea of this, the challenge.  Kids do that.  The dying might be a bit more descriptive.  Something clever that could be the poem or could be an accident might work too.

Best
Richard
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mmmarnie
Posted: February 17th, 2015, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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I like the idea here but I agree that it drags. I think the reason is, all the characters sound the same. You have 4 kids but I didn't feel any of them had an individual voice or personality. And for a short, maybe too many characters with too much going on.

Give us some identifiable qualities in your characters. And make us connect to them. I think that's tough in a short, but you can at least make us interested in them.

So cool story idea but it needed a better execution, IMO.


boop
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ChrisBodily
Posted: February 18th, 2015, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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The Dead Poets Society meets Bloody Mary/Candyman. Sorry to say, but this didn't work at all for me. Interesting concept, boring execution.

I agree that you introduced too many characters in the opening scene. They all talk and act the same; you could switch everybody's dialogue and I'd never bat an eye. A black hole of monotony, unfortunately.

Another script with bold slugs?   Bold and italics are not industry standard, never have been.

Also, explain this:


Quoted Text
SIRI
------>        <--------
They serve as hellish signposts
for sweet little Tomino.


What's with the space? I'm guessing you meant to put a parenthetical there, but forgot. Also, try to use parentheticals only when necessary -- and even then, use them sparingly.

I found a few orphans in action lines, e.g.:


Quoted Text
Olivia wipes a tear from her eye and puts the laptop back
down.



Quoted Text
A loose connection shorts, sends an arc of electricity
shooting up Olivia’s arm, wracking her body with deadly
spasms.


Add or delete a word to make it read better, e.g.:


Quoted Text
She falls to the floor, energy still coursing through her,
otherwise lifeless.


You could try:


Quoted Text
Olivia wipes a tear from her eye.

She puts the laptop back down.



Quoted Text
A loose connection shorts, send[ing] an arc of electricity
shooting up Olivia’s arm. Her body spasms.


Also, don't underline the title page.

Nothing really works. Sorry.


FADE IN:
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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is a great idea, and I really liked the idea of incorporating Siri into it.  Also, good use of the urban legend in telling the story.

The problem for me was it was probably four pages too long because of all the unnecessary dialogue back and forth between the kids.  You can easily eliminate big chunks of that and not affect the story in the least. Would make it much more compact and readable.

Still, the concept is a good one -- tackle this in a rewrite and you'll have very good piece here.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Pale Yellow
Posted: February 19th, 2015, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind so much all the characters but the dialogue goes on and on taking me out of the read. May've been better possibly to have one kid telling the story and instead of in a school room, maybe around a camp fire or something then you wouldn't have had to name/intro so many characters yet we know there is a group of kids.

Decent little concept overall. I think it needs reworking...cut down on some dialogue will make it easier to read. It was an original take...so I like this.
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