Saliva by Milton Mamet - Short, Horror - A young women finds out that she may have shared the first night in her new house with a complete stranger. - pdf, format

I'm pretty sure I got this one, at least what you were going for. The hunter was sneaking into people's houses and killing their dogs so that he could teach his son to be a better hunter? I was really hoping the two stories would join together a little cleaner, but that's okay. Nice little twist on an old legend, but I wish there were a little more story and a little less Darren, if you know what I mean. That phone call took up way too much of this short script.

C.

The second of these that I've read, and it seems that at least one emerging theme for this OWC shall be bad parenting.

For eight pages, this also seemed to go on for quite a bit.  Darren certainly overstayed his welcome, and the way this story plays out, I am not sure he was even necessary.

The bookends with Billy were certainly intriguing, but I am not sure how they are supposed to fit in with the story proper.  More is implied than told with that connection, and it could use a bit of clarification.

A few spelling choices betray this as an author from overseas.  The writing is smooth for the most part, particularly the beginning and end, but the payoff in the middle actually made me chuckle a bit as opposed to reeling in horror.

I'm not sure you did get it, Sean.

The killer is the child. The end is just showing the origins of his behaviour.

That's how I read it, anyway.


The story was well written. Like I'm seeing in a lot of these stories...the good stuff is coming from the urban legend itself. All the tension and interest comes from the original story.

The new stuff is just expositional...telling us who did it. It's relatively interesting, but lacks any dramatic interest as the story has already finished.

Good effort for the challenge. Lacks cohesion as a standalone script.

Rick

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I'm not sure you did get it, Sean. The killer is the child. The end is just showing the origins of his behaviour. That's how I read it, anyway.

You're probably right. I had read it as the dad killed the dog then threw the body down in the basement for his son. Like I said, I liked it, but I wish it were a bit more coherent.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde You're probably right. I had read it as the dad killed the dog then threw the body down in the basement for his son. Like I said, I liked it, but I wish it were a bit more coherent.

Oh I see....maybe. I thought the dog thrown into the basement was the dog that was shot in the opening scene.


I thought the part with the son was set in the past and it was showing how his Dad had taught him to cut up dogs.  Maybe I'm the one who is wrong.

I certainly have no idea what urban legend this is based on. I'd maybe have a better review if I did, sorry. That said, I'm just going to judge the script itself.

Overall, the only parts I get close to liking are the beginning and end. Even then, not my cup of tea. I don't feel this is that much of a Horror, but I get that this type of script is difficult to categorize. The incident is horrific but everything else is pretty lacking on that front. I had the same problem with my entry if I'm being honest.

Really didn't like Darren and agree that he stuck around much longer than was needed. I think you could have stripped it way down in length. The story itself could have been wrapped up quite nicely within 5 pages in my opinion.

Nothing overtly bad about this. Just not appealing to me, sorry.

Well written in terms of format, style et al - but frankly, I got lost in terms of the story. Was there a relationship between the kid in the beginning and Darren? I didn't see the connecting thread between the two.

Great title.

As I go...

"in need of a good wash" - awkward and strangely worded.

Comma useage is terrible early on, sorry to say.  Looks like the writer doesn't know how to use them, which isn't a good sign.  Same for apostrophes.   These kinds of mistakes look just terrible and make me want to bail.

"shack-like house" - again, very oddly phrased.

lays/lies - oh boy...writers need to have an understanding of "writing".  So easy to learn...

I'm sorry, but Page 3 and I'm gone.  So much unnecessary info about Lola, whoever the fuck she is.  Nothing is going on here, the writing is poor, and that's all I can take.

First one for me.

A pet peeve of mine...  One woman.  Two women! Women is plural!

Minus the misuse of the word women, the writing was fine for me. Easy to read and zipped on by.

Story wise, I was less impressed. It was way longer than it needed to be to tell this little tale, IMHO. For example, skip the whole newscast thing. Unesessary dialogue in that piece that does nothing for the story itself. I think it would work better if Lola was watching a horror movie instead of news. That way you automatically get the spooky sounds from the movie going and that helps us put us in the right frame of mind for a horror film.

The conversation with Darren is also longer than needed. Cute, but too long for a short story.

The story with Billy and Ed didn't really go well with the story of Lola and Darren. I honestly didn't really see the connection. I understand the part with Billy and the dogs, but didn't get why the puppy was beheaded. Seems unconnected to me.

You know how to write, so concentrate on story telling. That''s the weakest point in this story. Cut the fat. Trim, trim, trim. Make the two stories more related to each other. Try to work on the horror factor. Suspense and more spooky atmosphere would help this become a horror film.

Didn't I read a similar title to a line in this script? Read the urban legend online just then, it was written in a paragraph too, and this page goes on for 7 pages. Not entirely sure I understood all the craziness with Billy and Ed either, and looking at the other comments, nobody really knows either. That's a pretty big problem if I had to say so myself. You also dwell on on the face time conversation for way too long.

A decent effort, hard to connect the dots though.

Well written... mostly. An edit or two will see it perfect. The story isn't all that.. but what urban legend is. Not bad. I'd still pass, but not a bad effort. At least it wasn't all exposition.

Okay - masterfully written.

But it seems like you have two completely separate scripts, here.  At least as far as I can see, there's no point at which Lola and Billy's stories merge.  And just having a killed dog in both isn't enough.  This feels like it's a setup for something a lot longer, like feature length.  It just doesn't work as a stand alone.  And if you're going to describe something as horrific as a puppy getting decapitated... you really need a full fledged story to justify it.

PS: Having gone back and read the other readers' debate on the issue, I see where perhaps it IS supposed to be Billy under the bed - with his origin bracketed before and after the "present day" scene.  I still don't think it works.  There's no reason for Billy to be under Lola's bed to begin with.  You don't tie it together thoroughly enough for it to smoothly connect.

So - my verdict - WONDERFUL writing, some of the cleanest in this OWC.  Didn't think the scenes pulled the story together at all.

I have a feeling this might be two UL's. It def feels like two separate stories. I don't see how they connect.  

I found Ed and Billy's story way more interesting. Lola and Darren...I thought went on too long and I never felt any tension there. Not sure I understood what happened at the end of Billy & Ed's story but maybe if you had just stayed with them, it would have felt complete.

I agree with everyone that the writing is top notch. The story just needed more focus and clarity, IMO.

An interesting one.

Having a dog-killing nutcase bookending the script certainly piqued my interest. I'm not sure about who actually killed the Akita; Ed or Billy. I'm assuming it was Ed, seeing as Billy was the friendly one who actually tried to get some kind of emotional attachment to the stray dog in the first place. But then why would Billy be happy at having the strays body thrown down along with the knife? Seems quite a jump.

The writing was pretty easy on the eye, apart from the overuse of comma's at times. I didn't have much of a problem with old Darren and the facetime business, as I like dialogue and lots of it.

Nice.