Hitched by Vince Masuka - Short, Horror, Thriller - A woman tries to save a man and his daughter from a deranged man whom she dropped at their gas station without even knowing. - pdf, format

This is really well written in parts.


I'll be honest...this OWC is getting old at super speed. I have already read huge chunks of every story.

Here I hit page seven before we got something new. You've got good dialogue going on, some really sharp writing, but the simple fact is that those seven pages are a build up to a scene we've already seen on film (Urban legend)....but extended to an an outrageous length and lacking the creep factor that made the original legend so scary.

There's talent on display here, but the story is fundamentally hamstrung by being an imitation of what's gone before.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

There are moments where the descriptive language just makes me friggin jealous. For example.

Quoted Text A pristine sign spells :" Welcome traveler." All seem odd and out of place like a candy house in the middle of the forest.

That is so good. There are many other instances in the script - loved your ability to describe scenes.

In terms of the story - I was right with you right until the time that Patricia returned to the gas station. That is where - at least to me - it lagged (4 pages could easily be 2 pages). I don't know if it is because we already know what's going to happen - but it just got bogged down there.

But - so far, my favorite

Is 'the gay positioning system' a mistake or character quirk? There's a few other typo's so I'll assume the former...

Still, it's very well written, easy to visualise and the reactions all seemed spot on.

The only thing I didn't like was the VO after the credits... didn't add anything for me.

Very good.

Anthony

"NANCY
Get me out of here." Really good moment.

"Ray... you know when I was taking
you to the car... I almost mistook
your thing for the barrow handle." I'm just gonna leave that there.

Well, nothing new here unfortunately, which is a shame, since I was really enjoying the first half. But then you get these guns and news reports and 'killer on the loose' and all that blunder that we've seen a hundred times before and it just ends on the wrong note. Personally, I'd push to make the story to have the same creepy aura at the start. That's probably the best thing about it. Is the man real? Is Ray actually a psycho? Is his daughter in on the ruse? Would've made for a better dynamic, especially with you pushing the page length.

This was a good read,  nothing that hasn't been done before but still kept my interest. I think a lot could be cut down a bit though especially towards the end.

Very, very long winded. Must be a first draft as there are quite a few pages to be dropped. It's a pretty simple slasher, stretched out far longer than is good.

An ALMOST perfect script!  Very well written (leaving aside the obvious typos due to rushing.)  A solidly empowered female character, lots of action - and a good reboot of a very, very old urban legend.  Basically, one of the top entries I've read.

My only qualm...  I like the ending, but it seemed just a *touch* flat.  I'm not sure I'd end the script on that line myself.  You need something... more dynamic.  Maybe even one last twist, maybe?  

But kudos.  A wonderful read.  

This is a rather long winded take on the classic "man in the back seat" UL.  I found Patricia's character sort of off-putting, like when she calls Ray an asshole just for asking to pay what she owes him.  A nice twist to empower the female in the second half of the story, but it simply dragged on for too long.   This was a 15 page story and the limit was supposed to be 12.  I could understand if those last pages were absolutely imperative to the plot, but to me it just felt like padding.  

Hitched

I hope you haven't given the game away with that logline, let's see...

15 pages!!

Without any scene title we are a bit lost to where we are, what we're seeing but I get the vibe of a confusing start, where are we etc?

Not sure the to the camera works

Did he really know her name?

Whilst longer than it needed to be, including the motel which could have been avoided, the second half was fine, except for right at the end. You could drop the credits and VO

Not a bad for a week.

WARNING!!!  WARNING!!!

The following review contains everything including the kitchen sink that you probably don't want to hear...but need to.

As I go...

Oh boy...uh...OK, so...no FADE IN to start, but a FADE TO BLACK...no wait...3 FADE TO BLACKs.  And we have some "us" references as well.  Damn...I'm not liking this at all early on.

A cliche simile, and this is all before we get a proper FADE IN.  I'll stay in as long as I can.

Oh man, more "colorful" writing, which is really just complete wasted space and potentially pissing off readers...like me.  

And now we have song placement.  Damn, I can only imagine what else we're going to find here.

Well, Mr. or Mrs. Writer, you have a voice alright, but it's the kind of voice that makes me feel ill, like an ugly, thick New York accent on a pretty girl.

No page #'s - but on Page 2, you have "cell cellphone"

"like the tongue of a hanged man" - Really?  For reals?  Man...ARGH!!!!

Wow, so many completely throw away, wasted lines.  I can easily see why this is 15 pages, as my bet early on is that it should probably be a 8 or 9 page script, if written properly.

"MAN VOICE" - HUH?  Oh, I see, it's actually Ray.  No reason not to use RAY (O.S.)

Asides, underlines, the whole frickin 18 yards, as I expected.  I just looked above me to make sure a kitchen sink wasn't poised to fall on my head - the coast looks clear...let's see...

'a 6 years old" - uh, no.  How about "a six year old".  Spell out numbers not used as an age intro and no plural here.  And, not surprisingly, she's literally "cute as a button".  Oh man...I should get out while I still can...

Interesting, then you spell out the 4 digit dollar amounts - 3 times.  Oh boy...

Damn, what the Hell did old Patricia buy in there for 37 bones?

Why does Patricia turn into such a cuntass bitch?  I don't buy it.

Wow...they just keep coming, huh?  Now you throw in an italicized aside in question form.  This crap is just completely killing this read, and it's sad because you obviously know how to write, but this smartass style of everything but the kitchen sink (I just checked above me again, BTW) is just trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD!!!  ARGH!!!!

"...so I can get you out of the car..." - can should be could

I don't know what page we're on, but I can tell you it's dragging heavily, and it looks like we're only half way in.  OK, looks like Page 8 - and you throw in yet another little treat - the old elipsis lead into a new scene, but the way you did it here is incorrect and looks silly, actually.

Seriously?  Another FADE TO BLACK and no FADE IN to follow, so from here on out, everything is playing over a black screen.  Unreal...and then your next Slug is the exact same one we're already in.

"...it certainly just convinced the hell out of her that Ray was telling the truth." - Dude, c'mon now.  Enough is enough and this is way more than even too much.  I should have stopped reading long, long ago, but I'm not going to.  I'm in for the long haul, and when I'm done, I think I'm going to need a shot of Jager...or 2.

More italics, huh?  Sure, why the fuck not at this point?  I wouldn't be surprised if I see the word "blood" written in red.

Oooohhhh, goody...some double dashes now!!!  WOOOPPEEEE!!!  

"like grilling lines on a steak" - Oh please stop.  PLEASE STOP!!!  Please?  Pretty please?

Great to see the over abundance of wrylies too.  I know that kitchen sink is coming soon.

OMG!!!!  Dude, you continue to amaze me.  Now, you decide to throw in 4 single lines of description for some effect, but the effect is that you're fucking killing me!!! In the last one, you're missing an important comma between floor and Nancy.

A "barrow"?  WTF is a barrow?  A wheelbarrow?

"Has the loose board just moved?" - I don't know, why don't you tell me.

Yep, it was a wheelbarrow, alright.

"Like a genie out of a bottle" - LOL...dude, seriously, you're fucking killing me here.  I gotta take a break for a second...my gut really hurts from laughing.  I've never seen anything so over the top REDONKULOUS in my life!!  OMG!!!!

And it just keeps coming!!!  Absolutely love the "punched" wrylies...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The hatchet was in his belt?  Really?

OMG, talk about overly dramatic writing.  This is literally ubsurd!

Nice, a little thunder and lightning in the same passage...and an "unhinged door"  Wow, almost speechless here, but not quite.

"up on her feet"  "out of the window" - lose the "up" and "of"...please.

Wow, what a harrowing resuce of little Nancy.  Sure didn't see that coming.

Oh man...

"She broke something." - She did?  Hmmm, I wonder what?

I was wondering what else you could throw in here, and you managed to use an INT/EXT too.  Awesome.

"draws back her leg mid-sprint" - I'm just in complete awe at this point. I really am...

I know it doesn't mater at this point, but why in the world are you CAPPING "THE MAN" over and over and over?

LOL...and after all that, you did manage 1 more trick - an after...or during credit scene, and it's as redonkulous as everything that preceded it.  Unreal...simply unreal.  But, it's "credits", not credit.

In summation, this is a case and maybe the very best example ever witnessed of someone with talent who doesn't realize that less is more and this much is excruciatingly painful and downright goofy.

This 15 page script is about 8 or 9 minutes filmed and should also be 8 or 9 pages in length.

I'm literally shocked no one else called you out on any or all of the absolutely corny, cheese filled writing.

Sorry if this seems harsh or mean spirited, but I seriously wanted to make a point here, because this is not the way to go about writing a script.

I think it’s a mistake to have the character reference your asides (the candy house) unless you’re going for comedy.

The ‘getting to know each other’ seemed a little rushed, especially considering the “probably run by a rapist” comments.

Considering Patricia is the one who tried to buy a bunch of stuff without having the money, her offense is off-putting, and strange since she seemed friendly with him at first. The conflict between them feels forced. I don’t buy that she would drive away without fully investigating what Ray said.

Alright, first off, this is longer than it needs to be. I don’t think Patricia should’ve left the gas station. It just opens up a whole host of questions that are tough to answer; mostly revolving around who this MAN is and what he’s doing. i think the structure is here for an exciting story, but the execution was very over the top for me. If I had to pinpoint why, I’d say it’s because you were trying to force Patricia and Ray into some sort of relationship (the dick joke at the end is completely off-tone and unrealistic).

I’d just let them be natural. Her first assumption is he’ll be a creeper. Let that assumption stick around. As is, they ping pong back and forth emotionally in a way I can’t imagine real people would. The dialogue has a lot of on the nose issues like, “I’m gonna save you both. It was my fault. I’m gonna fix it.” or “She’s gonna fall”. Who was she saying that to? The guy punching her in the face.

The physics of the fight also seemed wonky. When the Man clotheslined her, and the gun just happened to fly out the window, it seemed comical. Most people would actually be able to hold onto it, let alone keep it from flying across the room and out a window.

Anyway, it’s a good effort and something to work with, but this version was a little to “balls out” for me.

"You never know when or where the gay positioning system is gonna take a shit on you."
Patricia is a delicate little thing, isn't she?
To Ray, with whom she's been flirting:  "No I don't, asshole, or I would've paid you. You know what, take back the bag. I don't want your shit anymore."
What a sweetie pie.

Anyhow -- I'm not going to pile on here, given what's been said. Just a couple of random thoughts.

1. Didn't Ray tell her he'd already called the cops? Most people wouldn't jump out of bed and drive back there. At most, they would call the police again (she did) to make sure they had gone.
2. Ray had his tendons cut. Seems like he would be in agony.
3. Hard to imagine this woman getting Ray into the wheelbarrow without a lot of trouble. On top of that, she puts him in the car.
4. She ends with another charming comment -- that she likes his penis because it looks like a wheelbarrow handle. How thoughtful of her to say that.
5. What happened to the rattlesnake? When the car drives over, the snake has "vanished." I thought maybe it got up into the Camry.

This one really wasn't doing much for me. The whole thing at the store (which is, apparently, its name) was just them arguing and saying the exact same thing over and over again. You easily could've dropped two pages of banter from that. Then, with the stuff at the motel, it almost felt like Joy.Ride and not the good part of it. Kind of an all-around disappointing entry.

D+.

Why no page numbers? That's annoying. Really annoying.

"A NURSE with a kind face looks down to us. She speaks words we can’t hear, then puts an oxygen mask on our face." -- So I'm in your story? Not just reading it? Not a fan of that...at all. You need to paint a visual image that I can picture as I read, not make me one of the characters.

I like Patricia's description.

Patricia speaks to the camera. It's going to be one of those. Okay. I like those quirky types of things...if they're done well...

"A pristine sign spells :" Welcome traveler." All seem odd and out of place like a candy house in the middle of the forest." GREAT description.

By Patricia's second bit of dialog spoken to the camera...I don't like her. She's annoying.

"As if she is a spirit and his words summoned her, A 6 years old appears at the door. " -- I like it but we're only a few pages in and this type of writing is going to slow your story down. I think it's okay to throw in some of these unfilmable passages, but if you have too many it's just a waste of good words.

On page whatever, easy going, wise cracking Patricia calls Ray an asshole because he wants her to pay? She says she's good for it? I think Patricia is a total asshole. Hope she gets killed.

On page whatever, Ray says very calmly that his tendons are cut. I don't know...I imagine that would be pretty Gdamned painful. Maybe show that...

Well..this went on too long, IMO. And I think that talking to the camera in the opening doesn't work because we never saw it again.

You have good writing skills but for screenwriting it's way too wordy.

Interesting entry though. One I'll remember.