ARiSEN by Zay Rodriguez - Horror - Evil rises in the city of Philadelphia as Judas Gains, presumed to have committed suicide years ago, is summoned up from the dead by teenagers on Halloween. 82 pages - pdf, format

This needs major work.

You need to learn proper screenplay format.  And grammar.  And syntax.  And spelling.  And verb tenses, and stuff like the difference between "fallen" and "falling."  Your dialogue is the definition of on-the-nose.  And you really need to learn how to tell a story visually without constantly resorting to "we see" or "we hear."  These are fine if used sporadically but in the first paragraph alone I counted near half a dozen of them.  And you never start a script with "We open on..."  You also need to lose all the un-filmables, as well as learn how to change locations using scene headings instead of starting a scene heading with EXT, then telling us in the action/narrative that suddenly we're inside.  It doesn't work like that.

There's a lot more I could point out but the easier thing to do would be to simply tell you to READ MORE SCREENPLAYS.  There are countless sites online where you can get your hands on any number of scripts.  Read them, but don't just read them -- STUDY them.  Learn the language of screenwriting, focusing primarily on what NOT to do, because on your first page alone you've managed to perpetrate pretty much every screenwriting no-no there is.

If it seems I'm being overly harsh, it's because I am.  Reading this, it felt like the author was telling me he couldn't be bothered learning even the most fundamental aspects of screenwriting.  That's not the kind of impression you want to make.

I know this isn't the kind of response you were hoping for, but I would be doing you no favors were I to sugarcoat it.  If you're serious about screenwriting, you need to crack down, HARD, and learn the craft.

- Lon