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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tomino Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 6th, 2015, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tomino by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - Three school friends dare each other to take on an urban legend, fulfill the dark conditions and prove that there's nothing to be scared of. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 10:23am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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A familiar horror tale told in a familiar way but taking it to the next technological level.

No problems reading the script, just the story felt a little lacking simply because it was so familiar.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Iancou
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

This was well written and has dialogue that really conveys the accents and feel of the place and people. However, I have to agree that it was not significantly different from themes in "Final Destination", "The Ring", and a few others to really stand out. How do you change that? I'm afraid I am at a loss as to recommendations or suggestions.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 7th, 2015, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Ian/Mark - thanks for the reads really appreciated.

This is/was my OWC entry so afraid the element of familiarity is difficult to avoid, though I tried to stay away from the most familiar urban legends.

This version has (hopefully) taken into account the feedback the original version (Poetry Corner) received.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Stumpzian
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Anthony.

I know there were complaints in the original (Poetry Corner) about too many characters. Maybe there were (I didn't think so), but in this version I kind of miss Dale's voice in the dialogue.

In any case, the redo moves along well, and the distinctive part of this remains the use of Siri.

Just had a thought. (I don't like it it when people suggest an alternate ending to something I've written, so I apologize in advance.)

What if Siri experiences a worldwide malfunction? Or, the woman who is the voice of Siri, dies?

Regards,

Henry




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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Henry and thanks for the re-read, and the positive comments first time round too.

I wasn;t convinced that four characters was too many, BUT the feedback was pretty clear on that aspect, so I miss Dale a little too but what ya gonna do?

Your alternative ideas re Siri and the end are interesting but I like the current idea of the UL going viral an infecting phones thorughout the world via Siri, but thanks for the thoughs (and no need to apologise!).

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Stumpzian
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony -- re the ending. Oh, I see. I missed what was happening ( my fault). Pretty much the kind of thing I was suggesting. Perfect.

Henry



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Great minds Henry!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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TonyDionisio
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Ant,

Ending was a little abrupt. I agree you can expand on this some more. Dialog lost me a few times, but no biggie. Wasn't there a Siri-joke play-on in a sit com recently? Was it 2 and a half men?

Anyway,

GJ

Tony
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alffy
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony

Pretty straight forward piece and it was nicely written.  I did wonder if the teacher would really tell the kids about their friends death, and whether this would actually be done more formally like in an assembly?

Anyway, there's nothing really wrong with this other that it's not the most original story.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Tony/Alffy

Many thanks for the reads, appreciated as always.

Tony - Gonna see if I can find that Siri joke now

Alffy - not sure re the teacher in this scenario, but she's telling them as they were besties...
Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge),  but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.

Thanks both

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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alffy
Posted: March 10th, 2015, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood


Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge),  but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.



Sorry, I didn't realise you wrote it for the OWC, my bad


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 10th, 2015, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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No worries Alffy, it's re-written quite a lot but central idea still comes from the UL.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 27th, 2015, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Tomino has just been optioned by a Producer in Canada.

Now the waiting whilst he tries to pull the production together.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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TonyDionisio
Posted: April 27th, 2015, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Excellent news, Ant.
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