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Tomino by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror - Three school friends dare each other to take on an urban legend, fulfill the dark conditions and prove that there's nothing to be scared of. - pdf, format
This was well written and has dialogue that really conveys the accents and feel of the place and people. However, I have to agree that it was not significantly different from themes in "Final Destination", "The Ring", and a few others to really stand out. How do you change that? I'm afraid I am at a loss as to recommendations or suggestions.
I know there were complaints in the original (Poetry Corner) about too many characters. Maybe there were (I didn't think so), but in this version I kind of miss Dale's voice in the dialogue.
In any case, the redo moves along well, and the distinctive part of this remains the use of Siri.
Just had a thought. (I don't like it it when people suggest an alternate ending to something I've written, so I apologize in advance.)
What if Siri experiences a worldwide malfunction? Or, the woman who is the voice of Siri, dies?
Hi Henry and thanks for the re-read, and the positive comments first time round too.
I wasn;t convinced that four characters was too many, BUT the feedback was pretty clear on that aspect, so I miss Dale a little too but what ya gonna do?
Your alternative ideas re Siri and the end are interesting but I like the current idea of the UL going viral an infecting phones thorughout the world via Siri, but thanks for the thoughs (and no need to apologise!).
Ending was a little abrupt. I agree you can expand on this some more. Dialog lost me a few times, but no biggie. Wasn't there a Siri-joke play-on in a sit com recently? Was it 2 and a half men?
Pretty straight forward piece and it was nicely written. I did wonder if the teacher would really tell the kids about their friends death, and whether this would actually be done more formally like in an assembly?
Anyway, there's nothing really wrong with this other that it's not the most original story.
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Alffy - not sure re the teacher in this scenario, but she's telling them as they were besties... Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge), but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.
Originality, yep but it's the problem with basing it on an Urban Legend (for the One Week Challenge), but I tried to use a less familiar UL and give it a little twist.
Sorry, I didn't realise you wrote it for the OWC, my bad
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