SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 6:20am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Christmas Cards Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Christmas Cards  (currently 1460 views)
Don
Posted: March 8th, 2015, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Christmas Cards by David M Troop - Short, Drama - An elderly man spends the holidays with his friends and family. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RichardR
Posted: March 9th, 2015, 7:33am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
David,

Comments can be gifts under the tree.  Unwrap them and then decide if they're worth keeping.

I think I have already voiced my lack of support for stories that start with the alarm clock ringing and a morning routine.  Unless there's some story value, why waste a minute of time over details that won't matter.  Does it matter what time he rises, whether he drinks tea or coffee?  Watering the poinsettia is a story detail, but the rest won't come into play.  What really starts this story are the Christmas cards which is a very good jumping off point.

The rest of the story works just fine.  The interplay with Michael works, the taped cards work, the replies work.  I'll buy it.  I might like it better if a group of people do more than just send cards.  Think about whether it makes sense for Michael to lead a group that places more flowers and takes old Walter to Christmas dinner.  Payback in spades.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
DaveTroop
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
at my desk
Posts
127
Posts Per Day
0.03
Richard, thanks for your comments.

I was trying to convey Walter had a strict pattern he followed every day.  The senior bus picks up at a certain time and Walter has a time table he follows so he isn't late.  It's also common for an elderly person to have a routine.

As far as the ending, I have a tendency to go overboard with the emotional payoff, so I wanted to hold back a little.  Walter doesn't have much faith in people, so I wanted him to be amazed by the kindness of the families of his deceased friends and by Michael coming through for him.  

Sure, there's lots of ways to show this, but I decided to stick with the theme of the Christmas Cards.  

Thanks for the read and the comments.

Dave
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
SAC
Posted: March 15th, 2015, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Dave,

I enjoyed this one a bunch. It was heartfelt and poignant, perfect for a Christmas tale. I think the cemetery lends itself well here, and adds to the feeling.

Just curious but you used a SERIES at one point. When you showed us the various people initially reading Walter's cards, why didn't you use it again? Or did you feel it would be overkill?

I also felt something was lacking at the end. I think your ending could have been more touching and heartfelt. You had a really good set up, but I think you missed something when delivering the knockout blow. Can't really place my finger on it, but I think it needs a little more.

Otherwise, very enjoyable. Good luck with it.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
DaveTroop
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
at my desk
Posts
127
Posts Per Day
0.03

Quoted from SAC
Dave,

I enjoyed this one a bunch. It was heartfelt and poignant, perfect for a Christmas tale. I think the cemetery lends itself well here, and adds to the feeling.

Just curious but you used a SERIES at one point. When you showed us the various people initially reading Walter's cards, why didn't you use it again? Or did you feel it would be overkill?

I also felt something was lacking at the end. I think your ending could have been more touching and heartfelt. You had a really good set up, but I think you missed something when delivering the knockout blow. Can't really place my finger on it, but I think it needs a little more.

Otherwise, very enjoyable. Good luck with it.

Steve


Thanks for the kind words, Steve.

I didn't use a second series of shots because I felt the voice overs were enough for the audience to connect to the previous scene.  

Again, I decided to hold back at the end so I wouldn't get tagged for being too mushy.
I thought, with solid acting and some appropriate music, the scene would hit the right emotional notes.

Thanks for the read.

Dave

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006