Richard
MEGAN
You’re an English major. What’s
the top end salary for that?
- Right, this money worshipping bit?h needs to go. Horny or not!
Great opening scene. It could either be genuinely sexy and edgy or just sound like 50 Shades of Grey.
I think the fact that they are both young characters works to your advantage, amps up the provocation.
MEGAN
Oh god, it must have been my fault.
I mean, I shouldn’t have been
drinking.
- It’s impossible to know if she is telling the truth or not at this point but this line tells me that it’s all an act. Much too innocent.
COUNSELOR (CONT’D)
You are not to get within 100 feet
of the victim. You are not to
contact—
- I don't know how sexual crimes are dealt with on college campuses but I'm finding hard to believe they go down like this. Seems very rushed and without proper procedure. It’s a no-brainer that Troy shouldn’t sign this agreement.
COUNSELOR
We have been over this. You are
not allowed an attorney.
- And please remind me again why not, Mrs. Counselor?
COUNSELOR
If you fail to sign the agreement
or not abide by any of its
provisions, you will be expelled.
Is that clear?
- Again, this all just rings false for me to the point of being suspicious so I'm presuming it’s intentional on your part. This is not how these cases are done, thus there must be more going on than meets the eye. Reading on...
TROY
What the hell kind of Facist school
is this?
- Ha, I got a satisfying chuckle out of this. Easy to side with Troy here. A totally understandable sentiment.
COUNSELOR
Your client is a rapist.
- Jesus, she needs to be reminded of the "innocent until proven guilty" approach. Pipe down, woman!
PRESIDENT
Now, now, everyone take a deep
breath. We’re not here to lay
blame. We’re here to discuss a
settlement.
- Yeah and you need to tell your Counselor to keep her unsubstantiated point of view to herself.
TROY’S ATTORNEY
My client has been irreparably
harmed. Let’s start there.
- Oh so it has gone public already? I take it was a conscious decision on your part to keep the script small and contained in these rooms. Just focusing purely on the negotiations without the media hoopla and that’s fine…but it would do no harm to indicate that it has blown up into the public sphere too. I mean, it shouldn’t come as a surprise here that Troy has already been vilified in the media.
“Troy leans back, smirking at the Counselor.”
- I'm surprised he's smirking if it has indeed gone public. Suggests he is up to something…
MEGAN
Ruined your life? What do you
think happened to me? Have any
idea what they’re calling me now?
- Missing "you" between “have” and “idea”
TROY
Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I have
the same problem. I’m thinking
about changing my name. I might
move too. Lots of places to hide
for a while. I’m guessing that in
five years no one will remember.
- But didn't his name get cleared as Megan was exposed for being a liar? I thought that was the deal so he would get a big payout? I guess your name is forever tarnished no matter what.
MEGAN
We’ll remember, won’t we?
- Why is this important or an issue? The both made a deal, got rich, it pretty much worked as they intended.
TROY
The account is in your name. Half,
just like we agreed. I suggest you
get to the Caymans and change
banks. Move the money around.
- Ah, the good ole Cayman Islands. It’s so synonymous with dirty money that's it’s surely off limits nowadays. Got to be the first place authorities check
Overall, I enjoyed the read, it was quick and smart for the most part. It has a strong concept at its core; two people stage a sexual assault claim which turns out to be false thus the “victim” will ultimately take the fall but both will share the litigation profits. Initially Troy suffers the bad press before Megan essentially takes the baton. It’s a little unclear but that’s my reading of it. I mean, how else would Troy have gotten the money? One of them must have been proved to be lying.
In that case, shouldn’t Megan have gotten more of the money, say a 60/40 cut because she is the one who’s going to have to live with her name being dragged through the mud like that? She inherits the long lasting repercussions. Troy gets vindication but like I say (and he seems to acknowledge it too) it will be awhile before his name will be totally free from this unsavory association. I guess he came up with the idea in the first place though.
The final scene, while landing the big twist, could be tightened up some, it runs too long. You should convey that they are in collusion, exchange the bank details, maybe flirt a little before Troy vacates amidst the thrown drink. I don’t get why Megan is doing so much complaining and moaning about her situation. I’m sure the particulars of the deal were laid out beforehand and by all accounts the plan worked perfectly, right? She’s got her money, her ruined name and now she has to live with that. What was she expecting?
Also, I thought the self help book at the end would be Troy’s erotica novel instead. That might work as a nice call back to the opening scene.
Col.