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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Off The Grid Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Off The Grid by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - Living off the grid seems like a good idea--until the blizzard strikes. 9 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 21st, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard

Took a quick read, just my opinion of course.

Well written and loads to like in this, the idea that the idealist coes undone when reality bites is handled effectively.

Wasn't entirely convinced that the wife would be quite so passive, but minor gripe.

Also - a thought, if he's so eco friendly, maybe the diapers would be cloth and need cleaning, adding to the issues.

Afraid end left me a little nonplused, it sort of stopped without any resolution, twist or anything. I was hoping for something more.

But well written and I liked it in the main... reminded me of owning a Prius

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JohnHunter
Posted: March 24th, 2015, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Just a thought. You need some action lines to break up the blocks of dialogue: He tugs at his ear, scratches the back of his hand, looks skyward. Without something, it's just two people talking to each other -- Without some movement or action, they could be sitting in the dark, talking to each other on the phone.


"There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer." - Honus Wagner
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/john-hunter
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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Richard

Never heard the name “Peony” before.

“A large room that doubles as great room and dining room”

- I’m thinking “great” is a typo.

RONNIE
It’s a wind turbine, and it’s shut
down.

- I like his correction of “wind turbine here. A subtle suggestion perhaps that relations are strained between these two.

PEONY
Don’t you have a generator or
something?

- Wouldn’t she already know the answer to this question? Seems like she is asking it for our sake so Ronnie can explain their situation.

RONNIE
(sawing)
I know what it is. We don’t need a
headboard in order to sleep.

- Ha, I chuckled at this response. Fair point, Ron.

“Peony wakes, quickly checks Hope, and looks across the dim
room. Table gone, Ronnie sits in the only chair left.”

- How did she not wake when he started to hammer out the table’s legs in the previous scene? I thought that was going to cause the next argument between them. You’d imagine that Peony and Hope’s sleep would be light and fitful too considering their living conditions.

On that note, Hope is keeping very quiet throughout this ordeal. She should be screaming and crying like hell, no? It would certainly add extra tension to the couple’ already frayed relationship also.

“smashes out a support with special violence”

- “special” is an odd adjective to use here. How about “added” or “extra”

PEONY
What are you sayin’?

- Again, and this has been the case since page 1, Peony seems way too clueless to be out here with Ronnie. I know you haven’t specified how long they have been “off the grid” or even how they came to making such a decision but she should be much savvier about what’s going on. I appreciate that you’re portraying Ronnie as the one in charge, the brains behind their extreme life choice but with each one of these fundamental questions Peony keeps asking, it just feels more and more like exposition for the reader’s benefit...which is never good.

The ending is left very much in the air, and not in an interesting or ambiguous way, it just feels unfinished, like you ran out of ideas of didn’t know where to take it. Either that or it’s the opening of a feature length piece, a teaser of sorts. As it’s written, it’s not a complete script in its own right.

Which is a pity because there are some good ideas here. It has the makings of a tense, claustrophobic drama about an idealistic, environmentally conscious couple who try to leave society behind and make their own way. The perils and complications which arise when you attempt self sufficiency and abandon the modern luxuries we all take for granted.

As I said above, my biggest problem was with Peony’s total lack of knowledge about what their living arrangements entailed. As a result, she just comes off as naïve, whiney and downright unhelpful. In other words, Ronnie picked the wrong chick to go native with!

Also, on the basis of the final conversation, it appears they’re residing in a place whose weather oscillates from intense snow blizzards to really hot weather that requires air conditioning...might I suggest they move to a more temperate climate which doesn’t have such extremes. Just a suggestion

Col.


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RichardR
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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All,

thanks for the feedback.  I agree that the ending is less than final.  I was thinking of making this more macabre.  I was wondering if I could arrange it so Peony has to kill Ronnie in order to use his body heat.  is that too exreme?  

Otherwise, Peony seems too stupid to live off the grid.  Like many people who think off the grid is great...until they have to do it.

I'll rethink.

Best
Richard
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Iancou
Posted: March 31st, 2015, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,

Not much to add other than the point about the incomplete feel.  It did seem as if this was a few scenes from something way bigger. It was well written and has good character development. It seemed as if both were new to the whole off-grid life and were caught off-guard by the intensity of how things went very wrong. Perhaps that can be an angle as they react to this realization in different ways.

This had the feel of Central Michigan to it.

Anyway, I hope you revise it and repost. I would be interested in seeing where you take it.

Ian


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TonyDionisio
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Lol,

I pictured this and laughed a sack-off. I would'a ended it with them freezing to death and have his dying words be: "but we saved the planet!" Lol, good stuff. As stated, these planet-saving fuels are "accessory" fuels. They help but don't replace. Another argument, of course.

Context wise, you began visually with your action blocks then kinda fell into a "tell" mode. Try to interweave more action with the dialog. The more panicked your conversations become, the shorter you want your dialog blocks. This will convey a more natural feel.

GL

Tony.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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I've just finished a similar short... although not off grid, my story centres around a family in a battle for survival.

I like yours though without the macabre ending. Why does somebody have to die? Isn't the notion of her leaving him enough?

A quite cool idea (I think) is to begin the story with her trapped outdoors after making a run for it, maybe a serious injury like a broken leg after a fall... the baby with her... then she replays the story through flashbacks while she freezes to death. Her arguments with her husband about how bad things are, then finally she making a break for it after things got so bad, maybe the child got sick and they are out of medication.

Just as we think she's about to die she can be rescued... maybe she has a satellite phone and manages to get a signal. So technology rescues her from both her husband and the icy death.

Anyway, good luck.

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DustinBowcot  -  April 1st, 2015, 12:38pm
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TonyDionisio
Posted: April 1st, 2015, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I'm not sure it would be realistic for a family that wants to be off the grid to have a sat phone. How about they kill a cow, slice it open and cuddle inside it for warmth until...  Ohh wait, that was Empire. Nevermind then
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
I'm not sure it would be realistic for a family that wants to be off the grid to have a sat phone. How about they kill a cow, slice it open and cuddle inside it for warmth until...  Ohh wait, that was Empire. Nevermind then


She could have secreted something like that 'just in case'. She seems like that type of woman to me. Maybe that could be the cause of another argument, maybe the husband (after finding it) smashes the phone off the floor and it stops working (or seems to).
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