Half The Man by Marqus Bobesich - Short, Drama, Coming of Age - A young slacker ruminates on life, love, and growing up while piecing together elaborate pool mosaics for his affluent clients.  10 pages - pdf, format

I'm sure there's a lesson or moral or some sort of deeper meaning behind this one, but it was too disjointed and slow for me to get that into it.

A few problems that jumped out at me:

• No title page or FADE IN:.  Now it can be argued that these aren't needed, but I don't like the way it looks.
  
• There's too much tell and not enough show.  You explain too much in voice over and it just sounds preachy.
  
• You flashback but you don't really show that it's a flashback.  As I watch it in my head there's nothing telling me that I'm watching something in the past.
  
• You don't need the (CONTINUED) at the bottom and top of each page.  I can see that it continues because...well...I can see.
  
• There's so much dialogue that goes nowhere.
  
• Page 10:  Is Tobey showering in Mr. Tsuroaka’s pool or is Mr. Tsuroaka in Tobey's shower with Lea?
  

You need to have a clear beginning, middle, and end to your story.  This one is all over the place with a life lesson obscured by unnecessary dialogue and flashbacks.

Jordan