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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Bike - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Bike - Produced  (currently 2568 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Bike by Olga Tremaine - Short, Drama - A young man sells his old bike, only his transaction is not what he expected. 6 pages - pdf, format



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 11th, 2015, 12:36pm
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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I found it well written for the most part. There are some areas where I think changes are needed:


Quoted Text
EXT. CITY PARK, TRAIL - DAY


You have several scene headings that have commas rather than hyphens when you go from the general to the specific location. These should be changed. For example, in the above, you should use a hyphen, rather than a comma between PARK and TRAIL. Several instances of this issue.


Quoted Text
Her cane gently taps on the pavement, on the side of the
bench, touches the bike.


I would change this to: She gently taps her cane on the pavement, on the side of the
bench, touches the bike.


Quoted Text
Trevorís fingers squeeze the tire.


This should be: Trevor squeezes the tire with his fingers.


Quoted Text
Rachelís hand reaches over and feels the frame of the bike,


This should be:

Rachelís reaches over and feels the frame of the bike


Quoted Text

They part their ways.


You don't need the "their"


Quoted Text
FLASHBACK

RACHELíS DAD, covered in bandages. He can barely move his
mouth.
RACHELíS DAD
Promise me Rachel. Promise me you
will walk.


You may be missing a scene heading here. e.g., INT: HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY


Quoted Text
Unable to move in her bed, Rachel shifts her empty eyes,
devastated. She utters moans.


You don't need "in her bed" - you already have her placed here. I don't know what "utters moans" mean - quiet moan?


Quoted Text
RACHEL (V.O.)
He asked me to forgive that man
whoís rear ended our truck... I
still work on this one.


Think it should be the man - not that man and you have a typo (who's).

In terms of the story - I liked it but think it needs a twist. How about making Trevor the son of the man who crashed his car into Rachel and her Dad? Just a thought.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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rendevous
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Away

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Quoted from eldave1
This should be:

Rachel's reaches over and feels the frame of the bike


I doubt that.

I'm all for criticism.

Except all that stuff that bloke down the road who looks like Father Christmas after a nervous breakdown says about me. I didn't do anything to that lamppost.

Admittedly I did wake up in his rose bushes. And yes, they'll never be the same again. Neither will my left cheek, no, not that one.

But it definitely wasn't me who threw that meat pie at his bathroom window. I would have cooked it first. The fact they had cut off my electricity at the time is mere coincidence.

Throwing frozen meat pies at old men on the toilet isn't my style. I'm more a steak and kidney type. Oh. Wrong board. I thought I was on the erm. Never mind. Anyways...

Referring to the earlier quote, you have to be careful when correcting. Otherwise it looks silly at best. Like my pink shoes.

Not sure if Olga is about. That's something I've never said before. Either way I'll plod on with my thoughts. About the script I mean. You really don't want to know about the other stuff. At least I don't think so.

On second thoughts I won't. Perhaps Olga will let us know she's about. After my opening gambit she may not want my thoughts. Which would be understandable.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Dustin
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Why not:

Rachel feels the bike frame.

If she is standing away from the bike, then it goes without saying that she will need to reach for it.


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eldave1
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Why not:

Rachel feels the bike frame.

If she is standing away from the bike, then it goes without saying that she will need to reach for it.


That would work even better. What wouldn't work IMO is - Rachel's hand feels the bike frame (the original format of the action line). i.e., the hand, rather than Rachel, was initiating hte action.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Referring to the earlier quote, you have to be careful when correcting. Otherwise it looks silly at best. Like my pink shoes.


All due respect, but I think your premise is junk.

So here's my deal. If I am giving someone a free read, I am not providing a warranty on the technical accuracy of my criticism (as a note- in this case, I still believe that this particular suggestion was dead on correct, other than Dustin subsequently made a even better suggestion).  I am assuming that those who read comments on scripts accept them within the framework of, regardless of whether they are right or wrong, they are offered in good faith.  The author of the script has the ability to accept or reject them. If you really wish for a paradigm where you want those who review to be concerned about "looking silly" - you're going to lose a lot of reviewers.

P.S. pink shoes are fine as long as they match the outfit.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from eldave1
... I still believe that this particular suggestion was dead on correct

Cept for the silly ol' typo, right?  



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eldave1
Posted: April 3rd, 2015, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Cept for the silly ol' typo, right?  



Of course, I have a Type O personality disorder.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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eldave, what rendevous is referring to is that you neglected to omit the 's from Rachel when you corrected the sentence.


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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
eldave, what rendevous is referring to is that you neglected to omit the 's from Rachel when you corrected the sentence.


Yep - got that now from Libby's and your additions to the thread. I still have an issue with Rendevous core point. i.e.,

Referring to the earlier quote, you have to be careful when correcting. Otherwise it looks silly at best.......


My issue simply being I am not a paid editor - so I don't see the need to be careful at the risk of being silly. - I think I should be thoughtful.

Oh, and all that being said - I definitely over reacted to Rendevous's post.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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rendevous
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
Oh, and all that being said - I definitely over reacted to Rendevous's post.  


That's alright. You're not alone in this. Unlike me last night as I searched the woods for my other shoe.

It's a bit of a pity author Olga hasn't joined in. The discussion I mean, I wouldn't expect her to help search the woods. It might be a bit much to ask. Only if she insists. It's a pink leather size 9. Stripey yellow laces, obviously.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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eldave1
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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If I read your first post correctly - the pink shoe has to be in the rose bushes.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Olga

Some comments should be in Braille.  Read with care

This is a simple tale meant to tug at the reader's heartstrings.  You toss in a flashback and a flash forward and the good guy gives back the money. It works as far as it goes, but the dialogue is a bit too on the nose for me. Dad makes his death bed request and she uses that as a reason to strive. It just seems a bit much

Richard
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OlgaTremaine
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Happy Easter to those who celebrate.

I had no idea my work was up, just found out. Didnít try to impress anyone with my writing skills, itís just another writing exercise.


Eldave1 - thank you so much for your detailed feedback. I get your point.

Dustin - thank you for the read. Agree.

RichardR - thanks for the input. The flashback with Dad was a last minute revision. Will work on the dialogue.

I appreciate your time, thanks a lot. If you need reads, let me know.
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Don
Posted: May 11th, 2015, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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