Super Crook Squad :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

I see that no one has read this yet, and it seems like an interesting idea, so, I thought I'd give it a go.

A few things:

1.  No title page, you really should have one, with the copyright symbol or actual registration.  Also, it gives any interested people a way to contact you.

2.  Your first sentence is kinda oddly written.  Help me out other writers, but, he or she, has written:  A man sits at a booth in Al's Diner.  Wouldn't it be more accurate to say "A man sits IN a booth AT Al's diner?  Or is that really nitpicking the English?

3.  I'd refrain from saying Black Sabbath or any other band, that costs money.  Just say Hard rock.

4.  It also sounds clunky that he's letting his ice melt?  Is it me? Or do others agree?  Ice just melts, and it's a slow process.  I'd find another way to show he's wasting time.

5.  You say the waitress approaches him.  Then you say this is CLAY.  You are saying the waitress is clay.  And I know it isn't.   So, that needs to be fixed.

6.  I'd refrain from "we see" and just say a man enters.

7.  Don't name specific names of anything, including cigarettes.  It costs money.  And, I suffer from this too, you use too many words to describe something.  Let me show you:

"Gerald looks around the diner as if other people are there. (Aside from Gerald, the only people in the diner are the cooks, the waitress, and Clay mind you)"

I wouldn't write it like that.  I'd say something like Gerald feigns looking for Clay in a restaurant mostly empty except for cooks, the waitress, and Clay.

8.  I have been told that proper film writing  rules are you can't have the name of a character at the end of one page, then the dialog at the top of page 2.

9.  top of page 2 you say turns to look at clay  I'd go with either turns to Clay or Looks at Clay.

10.  Top of page 3, you don't capitalize the word All to begin a sentence.  As I said earlier, refrain from saying we see.

11.  How can an undercover cop keep people calm, isn't he trying to hide his identity?  That doesn't make sense to me.

12.  bottom of page 4 isn't Gerald's statement a voice over?

13.  Also, you shouldn't number your location shots.  This isn't a shooting script.

14.  Page 10, when the waitress mumbles, that's usually done before she speaks.  The only time it is placed after is if there is something you want the actor to do after they speak.  Pretty sure that isn't your intent here.

15.  Wow, that ending was severely lacking.

You have this so-so buildup.  I get that is important in terms of a name being created, but, as  a stand lone, it doesn't cut it.  There was no suspense or build up at all.  There was no real conflict to speak of.

The dialog wasn't that interesting.

These are criminals, they don't like or trust each other.  And what point was it to shoot Atom in the head?  You never follow that part through.

Also, you created a world where super villains exist, which is fine, but, the cops seem woefully unable to deal with them.  In any world you create, there has to be believability.  You don't have that here.  It was too easy.  What if a cop was a superhero or the bank manager was a super hero or something?

There needs to be more of everything.

Good luck to you

Dan