Arc Juliet or Infinity's Edge by Tony D. - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A rescue ship is lost in deep space and then trapped in the middle of an alien war. The crews only chance of returning to Earth rests with a deceitful passenger and his mysterious cargo. 82 pages - pdf, format

Hey Tony, you're always kind enough to check out my shorts and often even ten from my features. I also believe you do it without bias, which is refreshing. If you genuinely don't like something you will let me know and the opposite is true too. No matter whether I agree with you or not it's just nice to have another facet to think about.

Anyway... I'm a little shocked at the subject matter here. Sci Fi. Maybe my estimation of you is wrong. I had you down as a Christian right leaning t-bagger. I don't mean that in a bad way, as I'm a live and let live type of person. I understand there are people that will think differently to me and I actually appreciate it. So if you're not a Christian right leaning t-bagger then I apologise but not because there is anything wrong with it.

Code The commercial freighter PAX NIMBUS silently drifts among the bright stars. It’s unremarkable looking and heavily battered from years of space travel.

I know it might be a little thing but you can't really drift among the stars as each star is a distant sun. In fact, you mostly drift amongst nothingness. It just took me out of the story and actually made me think... does this guy have what it takes to write good sci-fi?

I don't think being battered by years of space travel is unremarkable, indeed you've remarked upon it. Unremarkable is a cheat. I want to know what this thing looks like. Unremarkable doesn't cut it and is a cop out.


I've noted some overwriting. You have a tendency to use 'is' and 'begins' which slow the read. You should know that, so it's probably a style choice.

I've read up to page 18 and am yet to be grabbed by the story. Something needs to happen, like a hook of some description to keep me reading. It could also be that I'm not really a fan of this type of sci-fi, nor of TV series in general.

Reading further and there still isn't anything grabbing me. I'm not suggesting that you do anything to please me but it could be that you should bring something forward. Even going forward to go back again.Seems ther's a lot of talking for very little action. The initial rescue sequence... perhaps that could be spruced up a little? Make it life threatening.

That's all I've got for now. I hope you get some more reads. Good luck with it.

Thanks for the quick posting, SS team.

Thx for the read,  Dustin. In reference to your personal position on me,  I appreciate  the comments

I have always believed there is a fine line between taking something personal and responding emotionally as opposed to being passionate about something. I try to think things through before posting. You learn to have a thick skin.

I wish there was something that caught your attention in the opening. It does start with a life and death situation and a rescue. The story is a series and does take extra setup and character attention.

I basically took the Coast Guard/typical fire-rescue show,  put em in outer space, and combined it with Star Trek Voyager/Battlestar Galactica. The story is really about the influence an aging Captain has had on his crew and ultimately prepared them for life and death.

It was fun and challenging  to write. The ground work is here,  but lacks resolution.

Any comments or advice would be most appreciated.

Thx

Code DEVIN I’m due at my studio. Obviously, the speed of this vessel is not up to snuff -- bloody bodge, I say.

I noticed the use of barmy in the dialogue before and it worked. The above dialogue though I feel is trying a little too hard. It's just the end bit... bloody bodge, I say. Bodge is really the ignorant man's botch. For some people, some words they just can't be bothered to pronounce properly and we get alternatives like this finding their way into the language. I checked, bodge actually started in the 1500s. If you really want to use that word (either botch or bodge), then it would be better if he said something like: bloody botch-up job. Leave it at that. No, I say, on the end.

I've seen things like that in American TV shows before and it always makes me cringe and possibly lose complete interest.

Code Reynolds shows "Spock" eyebrows.

'Reynolds raises an eyebrow.' would read better.

I've read till the end of part one. Plenty of action there at the end, and I appreciate we need to have time to set up the characters and an entire new world that you are creating. I also appreciate that this is possibly an early draft, which would account for what I felt was a lack of atmosphere. Some of the writing comes across as clinical, more like a list of events rather than an actual story.. but, a lot of early drafts are like that, mine included. Only when the story is fully there and character arcs in place do I then inject some personality into the writing. But then, I come from a reading background rather than a film-watching one, so perhaps my expectations are too literary.

I'll check out part two when I get some more time. Hopefully this bump gets you some more reads.