Without Rhyme Or Reason by Justin O'Connell - Short, Action - A man awakens in a place unknown. 6 pages - pdf, format

I like the joke on the title page.

Code JEFF Where am I? SOUND returns as an aching cough follows those words. And again, this time angrier: JEFF Where am I?!

Dialogue where characters talk to themselves rarely goes down well.

I think the execution with this needs some work and the writing itself could do with editing, but the concept is pretty decent. Your logline also needs work as it doesn't do anything for the story at all.

Hey Justin

I'm not keen on things like; 'another word for big ass gun', but that's just me.

Writing camera directions without actually writing camera direction is hard but you kind of pulled it off okay here.

Right, the story...I was wondering what was going on with Jeff and then it all went bat shit crazy!  I wondered if you'd taken a break while writing and then returned to it after a heavy night drinking lol.  Obviously by the end I went, 'ah right, now I get it.'

I actually really liked the concept here.  It was pretty cool.  Well done.

Hey Justin, took a read, a few thoughts, just mho of course

1) I'm not a big fan of unfilmables, e.g. honourable in his description, how do we get that?
2) KM = Kilometers? That would be some pull back if we could see the four surrounding walls on a field that big... and I wouldn't use KM, maaybe just describe as very large field?
3) Page CONTINUEDs, most people turn those off these days.
4) another word for BIG ASS GUNS, doesn't read well, even for an aside... because it isn't one word it's three... perhaps bet as in other words BIG ASS GUNS.
5) I don’t know who I am, I barely remember my name. - this doesn't seem like a logical reaction, surely What have I done? would be better?
6) Not sure barbarously is a good choice of descriptor...   or mercilessly.

Ah... get it, had my suspicions a page earlier... feels like a variation of the opening of one of Toy Story's

Not bad, but needs a polish.

Anthony

Justin,

Some comments can be described as broken toys at best.

This tale has been done many times.  Twilight Zone had an episode devoted to this, and there's the whole Disney franchise.  So, in order to sell something like this has to be good and semi-original.  The writing here works well and is graphic, but it doesn't hide the story very well.  The reveal is expected and anti-climatic.  You might try thinking about how you can twist this one in some way.  What can the toys do or be that will surprise your jaded audience?

Best
Richard

Thanks for the feedback, guys! I'll definitely implement this advice into my next draft.