Brett
“There’s a MIRROR behind Alice, like in every French
cafe on film.”
-Do they?
“Alice looks at herself in the mirror behind Louis: Alice
wears a PRISON JUMPSUIT, zero makeup to cover all the cuts
and bruises.”
- Nice visual touch here. I see why you wanted that mirror now
ALICE
I don’t like Kool Aid.
- Good line.
LOUIS
Not me, no questions or judgement
here. You have my word.
- Required by law? Yikes, that is ominous. I wonder should Louis show some crack in his totally understanding demeanour here.
ALICE
OK, I’m required by the state of
California to tell you, that I’m
a... registered sex offender
- And there is it is! Yup, I could see that coming. Not a criticism by the way it’s just when she said "required by law" my mind instantly went to that. I like how you went with a female offender too, gives the dynamic an intriguing and unexpected twist. It would be too easy to give it to the male character, we've seen that before many times.
“Come again? Louis ponders the words, then laughs. That’s
the best one he’s heard in months.”
- It’s an effective tension under cutter and a surprising reaction from Louis but given how Alice has built up to telling him, would he really take it as a joke?
LOUIS
I would never Google at the table.
- Is this meant to be said for humour? Feels like an inopportune moment to try to be funny.
Plus, even if he wasn't Googling her, it’s an extremely rude and tactless thing for him to do, to go his phone right after she's dropped that bombshell. I mean, what else is she going to think? The (not so) slyness of it is nearly worse than getting up and leaving, at least that's more honest.
LOUIS
I don’t care for the implication.
- This line reads very formal, at odds with the general dialogue of the script so far. Also missing a full stop.
ALICE
You can’t dump a first date. You
can walk out on them, stand them
up. But I’m pretty sure you need
to know someone at least a little
before you can dump them, Louis.
- Isn't she been unnecessarily rude to him now? He seems to have taken it pretty well (except taking out his phone) relative to the others in that brief insert.
ALICE
Cuz I said so. And no. You have
one question left.
- Jesus, woman, do you want him to stay or not? I'm getting mixed messages from Alice. On one hand she seems desperate for connection, for Louis to stick around but then she get all abrupt with him and imposes these silly restrictions like three questions...before reducing it down to one on a technicality. Perhaps she is doing it in humorous way to lighten the atmosphere but there is no indication of this in the prose or her body language so I’m not sure.
WAITER
Well, there’s a part of my anatomy
that fits nicely into a part of
their anatomy, and when done right
it feels great. So, I like women.
- Nitpicky I know but I wonder could he have a brief pause here, a moment to consider before trotting out this cleverest of responses. Right now he just fires it off like he's been waiting all his life to be asked this question.
ALICE & LOUIS
We won’t.
- See this unison response has me thinking the tone is lighter then I'm judging it to be.
WAITER
You ready to cash out, sir?
- I know it carries a double meaning in this situation but do Waiters say it like this?
LOUIS
Why are you required to tell me
that thing about yoursel—
- Shouldn't he know that is part of the sentencing terms for sex offenders?
ALICE
Nope. I just wanted to hear you
say the words. Goodbye, Louis.
- Fu?k, this woman is complicated! Or just a little schizo on top of being a sex offender
Whay does she really want?
LOUIS
Alice, wait. I still have one more
question I can ask you. Right?
- What? I’m at a loss here. Why does he care about asking another question? Shouldn't he be wondering why she is leaving so abruptly like this?
I'm half thinking now this is just a ruse from Alice so she doesn't have to pay the bill.
LOUIS
You chose this place because you
expect to fail. If you ask me,
you’re the one that’s playing
games, Alice. Not me.
- Yeah I can definitely agree with Louis on this one, So much so, that I would've walked out on her long before now. Not because of the sex offender thing but how she keeps going back and forth in her mood and in her responses to his questions. She full of deflection and, quite frankly, bullsh?t, obscuring any semblance of truth or emotional honesty. Perhaps this is just her insecurities and defences acting out.
LOUIS
I said “if”. Play fair, Alice.
- Meh, semantic, semantic, semantics. It’s getting tiresome. These two spend too much time being too smart for their own good, focusing on arbitrary things and going around in circles than actually having a real conversation. They’re as bad as each other so maybe they're the perfect match after all.
“Alice holds her idle iPad. She gazes into the BLACK MIRROR,
searching for answers to silent questions.”
- See, this reprieve in the interaction has me thinking the tone is gone serious and reflective again. Seemingly a moment of genuine introspection. It really jars for me.
LOUIS
Do you think there’s one thing I
could say to you that would make
you change your mind about me?
- Why would he be asking this question? What has he done wrong except play along, rather admirably considering the situation, with Alice’s mind games? It seems to me that she is the one that has all the work to do to keep him around. When did the tables turn? I must’ve missed that.
ALICE
Enough witty banter...
- I yearned for this a few pages ago to be honest.
“An unseen pile of PLATES crashes on a hard floor.”
- There’s that wildly inconsistent tone again.
LOUIS
You’re right, I’m a liar. But
those other guys lied to you to end
the date. I lied to keep it going.
- True but it’s your choice of lie with which I have a problem.
As you'll see from my page by page notes I had a hard time with this script. For me, the tone was all over the place, going from serious to funny, to silly, to reflective, to earnest then back to witty again. Mixing of tones is possible of course within a film but it’s a difficult thing to pull off and here I don't think it works.
You have a women who holds this dark secret, she had sex with an underage boy and is now a registered sex offender This is serious subject, a very damning skeleton in one's closet. She is required by law to tell anyone she is hoping to get into a relationship with and this is the central premise of the script. First dates inevitably end with the man walking out.
This is an interesting scenario that can provide good drama, exploring how we react to such news about someone we are starting to care about, how we judge people based on past errors, can we separate that person from their mistakes, clean slates, fresh starts etc.
You handled it well for the first few pages as Alice plucks up the courage to tell him, we could feel her apprehension, her fear of how Louis would react, the expectant rejection...but as soon as she does, the script does a very odd thing by switching tones multiple times as I mentioned above that took me completely out of the story distanced me from Alice and Louis who I saw more as movie characters trying to outsmart and outwit each other in that rapid fire, snappy way rather than actual real people wrestling with the possibility of continuing their relationship or not in light of Alice’s confession.
Both take turns in making light of the situation, getting into numerous back and forth exchanges of smart as?ed quips, clever putdown and generally trying to be coolest person at the table. Alice even assumes the role of victim at one point and implies that she is walking out on the date, not the other way around. I appreciate on the surface this could be seen as a defence mechanism, in that she will shun him before he shuns her but this comes a few pages after she has delivered the news. Plus her attitude during those moments doesn't suggest she is putting a wall, at that point she gives the impression she is indeed the offended one, she appears angry with Louis who, besides some misjudged attempts at humour, looked to be taking the news rather well.
Although, in regards his misjudged attempts at humour I don't really blame him, because for me the script was full of them, he was no more guilty of it than Alice. He would try to be serious to which she would respond in a mocking, derisive way, take his remark too literally or debate how he phrased it, you know totally arbitrary stuff, then when he tried to quip, play the game, she would get defensive, not answer his question and threaten to leave. It just didn't make any sense to me. The conversation on the whole felt totally at odds with the subject matter underpinning it, I couldn’t get a grasp on it.
I did like how Louis pointed out that "the others lied to you to end the date. I lied to keep it going" that is an interesting angle to take in regards his approach in the final moments...but, he said he was a sex offender too! First off, like Alice, we never believed there would be such a coincidence, just not buying it, but also isn't it a very tactless thing to say, to lie about something like that? Given Alice’s situation, would she ever find this funny or cute? Couldn't he have said he done time for robbery or something, just some other unflattering thing about himself but Jesus Christ man, stay away from the very thing that is weighing down on Alice like a ball and chain.
Overall, I really struggled with this. Maybe I’m taking it all too seriously. I know you can write, Brett, I've read plenty of your stuff, you've got a voice and witty banter is something you do quite well. I just don't think it was adjusted to suit the themes that could be at work here. Too many nudges and winks with too little sincerity which I think this called for. A missed opportunity.
Col.