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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  On the Out Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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On the Out by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A convict, freshly released from prison, finally finds a reason not to hate, only to have it snatched away from him. 5 pages - pdf, format


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LC
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Very nicely executed for a non-dialogue piece. Good pace keeps everything moving and I like the heartbeat sound effect to denote how the con feels throughout. Nothing really to complain about. Straight forward but effective and the reality of the end hits home.

Just one more thing, I did at first think Landlady and Husband had a regular thing going, if you see what I mean, so I was surprised when husband got his own off the rack DVD, I mean, from the shelf. Perhaps if there was a peephole from one room into the other, and then our con spots him looking, and then slams him. It might add something to the vibe you already have going, just a thought...


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rendevous
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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I've read a few five page scripts lately and found myself commenting they were too short. I don't think that applies here. A lot happens.

It's grim. Very. But I don't mean that as an insult. But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? Again, I'm not insulting, just intrigued. I think I'd get headaches if I wrote stuff this grim on a regular basis. Fair play, you seem to have no problem with it. I do kinda envy the productivity. My ideas come a little too few and far between to match.

I've seen dialogue in action lines before. Doesn't bother me much. I doubt some others will say the same.

I dunno about the heartbeat. As I read I was trying to be imagine it. It might work well. But overuse would be annoying. I know you're into the director thing, and this reads that way. Guess you'll find out in the edit.

I think I'd prefer if it was more spec script style, as it reads a bit more like a shooting script.

It's harsh. If you managed to get an actor who can bring along an audience during it, by that I mean they' be intrigued and/or interested in him, if you know what I mean, then it could be good. It rests on his shoulders. Certainly enough happens in it. Not bad at all.

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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Very nicely executed for a non-dialogue piece. Good pace keeps everything moving and I like the heartbeat sound effect to denote how the con feels throughout. Nothing really to complain about. Straight forward but effective and the reality of the end hits home.


Yeah, it's a story oft repeated every day in the real world. Lost souls just needing some security in life. That may sound ironic, maybe even implausible but that's just my experience. I've found people to be very much products of their environment.



Quoted Text
Just one more thing, I did at first think Landlady and Husband had a regular thing going, if you see what I mean, so I was surprised when husband got his own off the rack DVD, I mean, from the shelf. Perhaps if there was a peephole from one room into the other, and then our con spots him looking, and then slams him. It might add something to the vibe you already have going, just a thought...


Yes, I did consider that but didn't want to go too far in that direction.

Thanks for the read. This is just one of those stories I needed to get off my chest.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
I've read a few five page scripts lately and found myself commenting they were too short. I don't think that applies here. A lot happens.

It's grim. Very. But I don't mean that as an insult. But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? Again, I'm not insulting, just intrigued. I think I'd get headaches if I wrote stuff this grim on a regular basis. Fair play, you seem to have no problem with it. I do kinda envy the productivity. My ideas come a little too few and far between to match.


Whenever I finish first draft of a feature, I write something else, it'll either be another feature or a short. The feature I've finished is a heavy sci-fi and I needed to release some pent up stress. This short idea has been with me for a while and I tried to execute it once before but failed.

I actually envy writers that can do the ordinary stuff. Despite it not really being my genre I do love a story told well and like to be surprised. I suppose it comes down to writing what comes naturally. Whenever I try ordinary drama I quickly get bored and somebody has to die. If I were a writer at Eastenders they'd have to change the cast quite regularly, what with everyone ending up in jail or killed.


Quoted Text
I've seen dialogue in action lines before. Doesn't bother me much. I doubt some others will say the same.


I just write now mate. What other writers do and don't like concerning my style choices doesn't bother me.


Quoted Text
I dunno about the heartbeat. As I read I was trying to be imagine it. It might work well. But overuse would be annoying. I know you're into the director thing, and this reads that way. Guess you'll find out in the edit.


Overuse in writing it yes, but I think for five minutes on screen it should fly, maybe with some background music blended in a little later too, so the heartbeat becomes a bass line.



Quoted Text
It's harsh. If you managed to get an actor who can bring along an audience during it, by that I mean they' be intrigued and/or interested in him, if you know what I mean, then it could be good. It rests on his shoulders. Certainly enough happens in it. Not bad at all.


I don't care if this one is produced or not if I'm honest, as I said earlier it's one of those stories I really needed to get off my chest. I could write a feature around it and there are countless features based around this subject matter already, but I feel the 5 pages says it all.
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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Well written, pacey, snappy, wraps up rather quick.

I do agree with it being rather grim but that's not an issue for me, I did laugh a few times because Convinct was a right fucking arsehole, screwing the Landlady and then fucking up the husband, what a dick.

My favorite line was...

The sneer gets buried behind a fist as Convict drives a
one-two into his face.


The visual there is pretty strong for me, I can just imagine somebody's fake tough guy smirk getting smashed right off their face, and them turning into a wimp.

Not much to say Dustin, me and Convict should hang out, lol


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dustin

Haven't read the others, so this is with fresh eyes...

Ext jail - slug - I don't go on about see things but where am I? just to let you know I missed the EXT and thought I was inside,so a bit of extra detail like front entrance, yard etc would help

First visual is an audio sound. Just saying. Also I like to CAP a sound, especially if a sound. Note - this is vital to the story so worth making it clear.

Fifty measly quid - may have to translate for the Yanks, but actually I think this works. I get the message, the look of espair etc

Insert letter - wasn't clear to me. What we are seeing is written words. Should this be Insert sentence, or words

Fake tits - how do we know? Tits on show I can imagine...sort of.  You know, an offering etc  she wants it (that is so un PC ! ) That would be an image, an intent.

Afterward that I didn't have much to add other than this got busy. In a good way.

Actually very busy. Almost a tad random. We could be left with the why are we here? Why is this happening etc?

This doesn't seem to follow a story line, a common thread. Why does he go to the dealer? and what is the connection with the pub? More of a haphazard series of events. Which is fine, but for that I feel you need a foreshadow. A sense of this is what the story is about, which we discover later.

For example, on the way out of the jail he could play heads and tails with an officer over, say, a coke. He loses. He laughs. He doesn't care. Life is random. You will do better than that idea, but that's where it needs a little setting up.

Gritty, powerful and I like the basis, but on reflection,  it needs a theme, a purpose. And I'm not sure that comes across...but it can.

I'm sure you will disagree, as I feel you have a driver in this, but that's my view

All the best






My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Well said RV...


"But Jesus, Dustin, don't you ever fancy writing something a little lighter? "


Rom com for Dustin next time.!!


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
Well written, pacey, snappy, wraps up rather quick.

I do agree with it being rather grim but that's not an issue for me, I did laugh a few times because Convinct was a right fucking arsehole, screwing the Landlady and then fucking up the husband, what a dick.


I had to show it like that because that's how it is. These guys aren't heroes. They take advantage of the weak.


Quoted Text
My favorite line was...

The sneer gets buried behind a fist as Convict drives a
one-two into his face.


The visual there is pretty strong for me, I can just imagine somebody's fake tough guy smirk getting smashed right off their face, and them turning into a wimp.

Not much to say Dustin, me and Convict should hang out, lol


They say real recognises real. Fake wannabes get hit every day. They're the best target market. Robbing a dealer is hardly going to be reported to anybody aside from maybe his mates who are only with him because of the cheap supply and probably gutless. I was going to end it with he getting a beating off the Dealer's mates but, although sometimes it can go like that, the end of the circle is he going back to jail. I was going to go on and on, listing various crimes, but there's only so much a short can handle.

The Dealer was an idiot for opening the door to someone he doesn't know like that. Maybe I should put a tool in his hand and he still gets decked.

I don't know about hanging out with Convict though mate, those guys are dangerous, guys with nothing to lose. Jail nor death frightens them. Avoid or they might take you with them.
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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Dealers ain't nobody to fuck with tho, the proper dealers I'm on about... not some pussy selling a bit of weed.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hi Dustin

Haven't read the others, so this is with fresh eyes...

Ext jail - slug - I don't go on about see things but where am I? just to let you know I missed the EXT and thought I was inside,so a bit of extra detail like front entrance, yard etc would help


I've got to disagree with you mate. EXT. JAIL, says it all. Going further to explain what the outside of a jail looks like would be tantamount to describing trees in EXT. FOREST. The fact that you missed it and don't know what the outside of a jail looks like is purely your fault. Most people know what the outside of a jail looks like, or can imagine one. Maybe it's an iron gate, or a HMP sign... doesn't matter, we're outside a jail as is clear from the slug. I'm not down with unnecessary description.


Quoted Text
First visual is an audio sound. Just saying. Also I like to CAP a sound, especially if a sound. Note - this is vital to the story so worth making it clear.


It's clear already. I don't like to CAP.


Quoted Text
Fifty measly quid - may have to translate for the Yanks, but actually I think this works. I get the message, the look of espair etc


I haven't written it for the Americans.


Quoted Text
Insert letter - wasn't clear to me. What we are seeing is written words. Should this be Insert sentence, or words


He's outside the probation office and he's holding a letter in his hand. We then insert the letter. I think it's clear.


Quoted Text
Fake tits - how do we know? Tits on show I can imagine...sort of.  You know, an offering etc  she wants it (that is so un PC ! ) That would be an image, an intent.


She's in her 50s and they are firm as fuck.


Quoted Text
Afterward that I didn't have much to add other than this got busy. In a good way.

Actually very busy. Almost a tad random. We could be left with the why are we here? Why is this happening etc?


A lot of the time things aren't planned. Especially with the character I'm writing about. They just feel hate and anger because they've got shit and nobody loves them. They don't think, they just do, and you better not be in the way when they do.


Quoted Text
This doesn't seem to follow a story line, a common thread.


But it does... you just don't get it. It's a very common story told daily in the courts up and down the country.



Quoted Text
Why does he go to the dealer?


He happens upon the deal and robs him. That's how shit happens sometimes. It's not Ocean's 11.


Quoted Text
and what is the connection with the pub?


It just got in his way.


Quoted Text
More of a haphazard series of events. Which is fine, but for that I feel you need a foreshadow. A sense of this is what the story is about, which we discover later.


I disagree. I'm not writing a story exactly, but more a real set of events, like a real life story.


Quoted Text
For example, on the way out of the jail he could play heads and tails with an officer over, say, a coke.


Understanding the character the way I do, I highly doubt that he'd play heads and tails with an Officer over a coke of his way out of the jail. Even anything like that is unnecessary. The story is a basic circle and quite a popular one... it's how I perceive the cycle of going in and out of jail and I wouldn't want to mar that by adding too much story. I couldn't possibly do it as a short anyway.

This kid comes from nowhere, has got nobody and has never had anybody. His life is fucked and has always been fucked so he hits out at the world and takes whatever he wants without conscience. Of course, the conscience comes later.



Quoted Text
Gritty, powerful and I like the basis, but on reflection,  it needs a theme, a purpose. And I'm not sure that comes across...but it can.

I'm sure you will disagree, as I feel you have a driver in this, but that's my view

All the best


No worries mate, thanks for sharing. Even if I don't agree with you now, I'll continue to turn what you've said over in mind and may well change my opinion later down the line. Thanks for being honest.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


I've got to disagree with you mate. EXT. JAIL, says it all. Going further to explain what the outside of a jail looks like would be tantamount to describing trees in EXT. FOREST. The fact that you missed it and don't know what the outside of a jail looks like is purely your fault. Most people know what the outside of a jail looks like, or can imagine one. Maybe it's an iron gate, or a HMP sign... doesn't matter, we're outside a jail as is clear from the slug. I'm not down with unnecessary description.



It's clear already. I don't like to CAP.



I haven't written it for the Americans.



He's outside the probation office and he's holding a letter in his hand. We then insert the letter. I think it's clear.



She's in her 50s and they are firm as fuck.



A lot of the time things aren't planned. Especially with the character I'm writing about. They just feel hate and anger because they've got shit and nobody loves them. They don't think, they just do, and you better not be in the way when they do.



But it does... you just don't get it. It's a very common story told daily in the courts up and down the country.

He happens upon the deal and robs him. That's how shit happens sometimes. It's not Ocean's 11.



It just got in his way.



I disagree. I'm not writing a story exactly, but more a real set of events, like a real life story.



Understanding the character the way I do, I highly doubt that he'd play heads and tails with an Officer over a coke of his way out of the jail. Even anything like that is unnecessary. The story is a basic circle and quite a popular one... it's how I perceive the cycle of going in and out of jail and I wouldn't want to mar that by adding too much story. I couldn't possibly do it as a short anyway.

This kid comes from nowhere, has got nobody and has never had anybody. His life is fucked and has always been fucked so he hits out at the world and takes whatever he wants without conscience. Of course, the conscience comes later.




No worries mate, thanks for sharing. Even if I don't agree with you now, I'll continue to turn what you've said over in mind and may well change my opinion later down the line. Thanks for being honest.


Thought I would touch you with my wise words  


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


Thought I would touch you with my wise words  


So long as you keep your trousers on, it's all good.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Good of you to write a script with no dialogue. My first script here at SS was one as well. Taught me a lot. I also used a heartbeat to convey the bad guy's emotions.

One thing I did not do was use everything silent besides the heartbeat. That's what you intended here, right?

I think you did a good job here and I also think your writing has come a long way. The story is complete. One of a vicious cycle and how hard it can be after you get out of prison. You're on your own. A sink or swim deal and unfortunately, I think a lot of them seem to sink. Meaning, they end back inside.

It was very violent, but you know what? I have you beat there. Mine was even more violent. Lol! No one ever made mine, but some people still remember it. I imagine some people will remember this one as well.  

Great job!


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Good of you to write a script with no dialogue. My first script here at SS was one as well. Taught me a lot. I also used a heartbeat to convey the bad guy's emotions.

One thing I did not do was use everything silent besides the heartbeat. That's what you intended here, right?

I think you did a good job here and I also think your writing has come a long way. The story is complete. One of a vicious cycle and how hard it can be after you get out of prison. You're on your own. A sink or swim deal and unfortunately, I think a lot of them seem to sink. Meaning, they end back inside.

It was very violent, but you know what? I have you beat there. Mine was even more violent. Lol! No one ever made mine, but some people still remember it. I imagine some people will remember this one as well.  

Great job!


I did have a vision of it completely silent aside from the heart beat, I was even going to list it as a silent film, but I think some subtle music in time with the tempo of the heart rate might work well too. Still makes it a silent film though I suppose... but yeah. I see it as quite an arty film, despite the subject matter.

This is actually my 3rd no dialogue script. I've written a martial arts and a horror one too.

Thanks for the read Pia, much appreciated. I'm not too bothered if it never gets made, some stories we just need to tell.
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