Coulrophobia by P.H. Cook (Angry Bear) - Short, Horror - A young woman, suffering from coulrophobia gets stuck in an elevator with a clown. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Coulrophobia from Indie Me on Vimeo.

Thanks Don! You're awesome as usual.

Yes, this is another damn elevator script! Dena asked me to write a piece for her elevator anthology, so I did, because I like her.  Any input on how this could be made better would be very much appreciated.



And yes, I'm aware I still have some elevator scripts return reads to do as well.  

Great job on this Pia. I can't wait to do this little creepy piece!

Quoted from Pale Yellow I can't wait to do this little creepy piece!

said the vicar to the Goth dwarf.

Hi Pia,

What not bunny man. Gosh, what a missed opportunity. (have a crying clown motif)

SPOILERS

The premise here is very sound. The small space, the claustrophobia, the immediacy of the problem.

The evilness of clowns has been well used, but it doesn't mean it can't be used.

I like the fact the brain can warp under pressure, make you see things, do things etc, but I would probably just make it extra clear what has happened, especially at the end.

Did she use the spray? I wasn't sure, since chris doesn't seem to have been affected. If so I doubt chris would be standing there with the balloons.

If she didn't then perhaps we could see her hold up what she thinks is a canister only to be something else. Deodorant etc Kind of reminds me of the moment in Shutter island when di Caprico initially thinks he's shot the doctor, but we then see he hasn't. His mental illusion.

Mindy - she sounds all excited about her interview. I did wonder what that was going to be in a hotel room. If this is actually a meeting room, perhaps give it a name, say the apple suite, or indeed, something that foreshadows mental anguish ? Not sure what. The shadow suite?

However, why not make her up tight about her interview, rather than happy?  Also late, so she has to get going. We then see her as mentally vulnerable before getting in the lift and somewhat forced to do so. The more pressure, the more they break.

If she's badly affected I could picture her sweating, not looking at chris, and not engaging. So rather than she says have doesn't like clowns, perhaps the clown comes to that determination. Does she think she's the mother of a child at the party so engages in chat?

Anyway, just a few thoughts, but sound basis.

Cheers

Pia,

Comments rise and fall.  Always read while seated.

I really liked this.  Works because it plays to a common fear of clowns.  That she hallucinates while under pressure works for me, although since her presentation wasn't till later, I don't see why she had to get on the elevator with the clown in the first place.  If you add a time element that takes away that choice, it makes the confrontation unavoidable.  Also, perhaps a reason for the elevator to get suck?  A men working sign perhaps?  cover the bases.

In my experience, hotel staff refrain from saying room numbers out loud for security purposes.  They simply hand over the key which is numbered or put it in some sort of sleeve that's numbered.  But that's a nit.  

It seems as if Mindy and rosy know each other.  Would it work better if they didn't?  If Mindy had to ask where the ballroom was?  If the seminar was on time?  

A scrub of dialogue might help.

"you have a kid party to go to?' is awkward.  A simple 'kid party?' works.

'seven years olds.  Magic and balloons'

The rest goes pretty well.  We have Mindy mishearing and mis-seeing.  The pepper spray is a bit confusing.  Real?  If so, it works for me.  If hallucination, not so much.  But that's me.

Best
Richard

Bill and Richard, thanks for reading and your suggestions. Dena will read them and since this is her project, she'll decide which ones will work best for her. I'm just the lowly writer here.  

My intention was to make Mindy all confident and excited about her presentation later that. She's riding high. Nothing can go wrong, until she rounds that corner and sees the clown. Then everything changes.

She decides to get into the elevator with the clown, despite her fear of them because the clown is female and is made to look friendly. What could possibly go wrong?

Did she spray the clown or not? The audience is supposed to be left wondering. That's why I added the tears painted on the clown's face.

Mindy and Rose are not supposed to know each other. Maybe I just pictured Rose as the hotel receptionists I'm used to in the South. Very friendly. And also, they also always tell me my room number. Maybe they think I'm a bit thick and can't figure it out otherwise.  

Thanks again, guys! We'll see what Miss Dena thinks.  

Why the hell wasn't this in the OWC? Would've scored a few points from me, for whatever that's worth.  I thought this was funny, and it's amazing what some people can do in five pages.

The morphing of the clown was cool, along with Mindy hearing different things to what were being said.

I think you write really well for a Swede(?), I understand English ain't your first language aye?

This would be great to film, with some sinister visual effects.  Might be worth trying to find out about that, real talk yo.

Thumbs up!

Quoted from Max Why the hell wasn't this in the OWC? Would've scored a few points from me, for whatever that's worth.  I thought this was funny, and it's amazing what some people can do in five pages.

Dena asked my to write an elevator script with a clown yesterday morning, that's why. Sometimes things just work out better when not trying to think too hard.  

Thanks for checking it out. I'm glad you liked it.

Great notes guys. It's close to perfect in my eyes...but some good suggestions here as always! Plan on filming this series in the fall this year. Really excited.

And Pia you are the closest to pro we know in here you will never be a lowly writer! You are a great writer!  

Maybe you two should do another collab.

Nice, Pia.

Just make sure, you point us in the right direction when it leaves the cutting room floor. I always enjoy script to screen.

BLB

Pia, this was fun to read with a lot of potentially great and gruesome looking character morph visuals. Clowns are always good value - make-up will be terrific too - nice clown v evil clown.

I too was a little perplexed whether what she did with the pepper spray actually occurred or not, but you've answered that, and I like the addition of the 'tears' at the end.

Just one point when I was reading: 'kid party' that should surely be 'kid's party' - sounded odd imh.

Look forward to seeing what you come up with Pia & Dena and what other stories will be included in the anthology!

Great little piece. Would love to see this filmed.

Gl

Tony

Nice work Pia. Not sure why the change from a female to male though. Was there some significance there I missed? Couldn't it just be a friendly looking guy to begin with?