El Paso Loco Luchadoras by CJ Walley - Short, Crime, Comedy, Thriller - When they impersonate a notorious female gang during a convenience store robbery, two wannabe crooks must face-off with the very legends they are trying to imitate. - pdf, format

I loved the opening to this, full of great atmosphere. You're a talented writer. You really know how to set a scene. Everything went well until the other robbers showed up and then things went a little slapstick for me. Some nice writing on show though, with the right story, you could really leave a mark.

CJ,

Comments rarely appear to be bilingual.

This one worked for a while.  The two desperate women who don't show any sign of physical skill need money.  Wish I knew why they need to rob, but hey, it's a poor neighborhood.  They handle the stickup as if they've done this a hundred times.  Can they be a bit amateurish?  Otherwise, they're too good to be true.

Then, the real gang shows up.  The story goes downhill.  Felix becomes a real badass, and Maria becomes a ninja.  hmmm

The setup has possiblities, especially for comedy.  How do they resolve this?  Paper, rock, scissors?  Negotiations?  It can end in physical confrontation, but how about a light moment or two.

All in all, the writing is crisp, the use of Spanish in the dialogue works for me.  Most of it is self-explanatory.  Good.  Keep writing.

Best
Richard

Interesting plot, good writing. I'm not sure about the morale of the story tho, it kinda glorifies robbers! Love your descriptions and dialogues - quite unique.

Yeah, I'm with dustin on this one.

I thought the opening was vivid and well told.

I was slightly lost with all the Spanish etc, but that because's I'm a stupid Brit who doesn't know any other language!   I also appreciated how you cut straight to it...BUT...my gut feel for this would be  better if they are successful first time. The real gang is not happy, then they meet. In that way we have properly set up the characters etc

Meeting on the first time doesn't sit well, but I accept I didn't read on.

Fine line between good lines and slapstick - I feel this one needed to be a tad more serious with quick lines. Slick and lean, less parody.

All the best

CJ, Max wants to know what software you're using - more specifically how you get the PDFs to look the way they do. You might want to PM him. Click below:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1435953276/s-7/highlight-/#num7

Quoted from CJ Walley the irony being that two gangs dressed as mexican wrestlers resort to a nacho libre fight - the underdogs proving their right to wear the masks.

People dressed as Mexican wrestlers actually wrestling is not irony.

Quoted from CJ Walley That's twisting my words. The irony is obvious.

I used your exact words.

Quoted from CJ Walley the irony being that two gangs dressed as mexican wrestlers resort to a nacho libre fight

I changed gangs for people is all. I still don't see the irony.

Quoted from CJ Walley So you didn't actually use my exact words at all? You changed the very word which helps frame the irony. Why?

Well because your story isn't really about gangs. The two girls in the car are not a gang... which is why I used 'people'. However, I'm happy to go with gangs. What is ironic about two gangs wrestling?

Quoted from CJ Walley Look, I'm so glad this has happened. This is exactly why I've stated a few times that I'm not looking for peer feedback. I avoided engaging with members here as much as possible. I was called out for that and told to stand up for myself. I finally find the strength and energy to engage on here and it's immediately nitpicked and twisted into a pedantic debate. I'm simply not interested. You may thrive off this but it wears me down. Thanks for ruining another writer's day and driving a member away from this discussion board.

So, I take it that you can't point out the irony. That's a shame as it was, and still is, completely lost on me. I cannot see any irony.

It's a shame you feel that way CJ, real shame.

All I can say is keep banging out scripts, and keep uploading.

A lot of people get irony wrong and it really is all Alanis Morissette's fault. The thing is though too, irony can be hard to pinpoint and I thought that I may be missing it. I skimmed the story a few times trying to figure it out... little realising of course that I was dealing with a writer with an ego.

I appreciate learning something new. I imagine actually knowing and fully understanding what irony is is a good tool to have as a writer. Even if you already know, it's still nice to have refreshers now and again. We can't know everything all of the time. I'd be lost without google. Sometimes I google shit I already know just to be sure I know it.

Maybe if they were anti-wrestling protesters or something and then they ended up having to wrestle to survive... that's irony.

I'm probably just being an idiot. It wouldn't be the first time, but if anyone can find the irony here, I'd appreciate knowing what it is. I will, as usual, apologise profusely if I'm wrong. Not that I feel I have actually done much wrong aside from ask for clarification on a comment. I'll just apologise for being wrong.

Or if you were a world class tennis player, and someone murdered you with a racket.

Quoted from Max Or if you were a world class tennis player, and someone murdered you with a racket.

I think we should start a new thread on this. For me that comes under coincidence. It would be ironic if the victim hated tennis.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I loved the opening to this, full of great atmosphere. You're a talented writer. You really know how to set a scene. Everything went well until the other robbers showed up and then things went a little slapstick for me. Some nice writing on show though, with the right story, you could really leave a mark.

I find it ironic you write this and he focuses on that.