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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  #You Are Dead - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    #You Are Dead - Filmed!  (currently 16388 views)
Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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#You Are Dead by Luis Garza - Short, Horror, Comedy - Social media has revolutionized the way we communicate with one another. In this short, a clumsy psycho killer uses Snapchat to scare and kill his new victims, two dumb high school girls who are having a sleep over.  8 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 28th, 2016, 8:00pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Well the logline made me laugh. Puts me in mind of a slasher parody.

And you delivered that. I like this. I can imagine the characters and it was a very enjoyable read. Not sure if there's anything that you can improve on. It works for me.

Nice job.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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I haven't read the script, but the title is extremely arresting.

I'd be tempted to expand into a feature based on that alone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Took a quick read, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course

1) like the title but hashtags normally run together, so would be better as #YouAreDead
2) 'Their phones on their sides'... do you mean they are 'by their sides'?
3) Nit picky, but it's iPhone... not Iphone.
4) Is the 'Sleep over with bae...' bit meant to be a TXT message, or response on Snapchat?
If so then it would be better formatted somthing like this...
INSERT: Phone screen.
Sleep over with bae etc etc
5) Same later on...
6) He seems to get to their house very quickly, does Kristi live next door?

So I like, this, there's a Scream like quality to it, just think it needs a polish and a tidy up.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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IamGlenn
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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:)

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First thing that comes to mind is, change the title to #YouAreDead or #youaredead.

Anyway on with the script..

HAILEY
Sleep over with bae, hashtag turn
up

Does Hailey say these words? If not, it's formatted wrong. If so, it's a bit strange. Also don't get what hashtag turn up means? Maybe #turnip, as she's a fiend for her veggies?

Ha, I love the idea of these two bimbo's asking a very serous question like "why is there a weird person behind you?" via Snapchat. Says a lot about the youth of today, because really, that is what some would do.

The words “#shedead” and “lolrunbitch” in front
of the 3 second snap.

# should be in front of lolrunbitch

HAILEY
KillDisBitchlol

Again, don't think she'd be saying this..

Hailey opens the snap, a black screen with the words #yournext.
SARAH
My next?
HAILEY
I think he meant to put you apostrophe r e.
SARAH
Ohh.

Love this. Brilliant.

And a nice ending.

Overall, this was very well done and very funny. A modern day slasher spoof and I wouldn't mind seeing this as a feature. With a little tidying up, this is good to go.

Nice job and good luck.

Glenn.


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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Took a quick read, a few thoughts... just my opinion of course

1) like the title but hashtags normally run together, so would be better as #YouAreDead

Anthony


Right, Don't know how I missed that.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood


4) Is the 'Sleep over with bae...' bit meant to be a TXT message, or response on Snapchat?
If so then it would be better formatted somthing like this...
INSERT: Phone screen.
Sleep over with bae etc etc

Anthony


I was in a writing slump, this is my first script post slump. I totally forgot about the INSERT, thank you for the reminder.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood


6) He seems to get to their house very quickly, does Kristi live next door?

Anthony


I'm glad you noticed that, I was intending to poke fun on the fact that Serial Killers are super humanly fast off-screen in slasher movies.

I'm glad you like it by the way and thank you for the input  
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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn

HAILEY
Sleep over with bae, hashtag turn
up

Does Hailey say these words? If not, it's formatted wrong. If so, it's a bit strange. Also don't get what hashtag turn up means? Maybe #turnip, as she's a fiend for her veggies?


Glenn.


Yes, she is supposed to be talking as she types. I forgot about the INSERT format due to a writing slump that lasted for months. I used dialogue to notify the reader as to what Hailey is typing.

#Turnup is actually a trend teens are using to let others know they are having fun. Kinda weird huh?


Quoted from IamGlenn


Ha, I love the idea of these two bimbo's asking a very serous question like "why is there a weird person behind you?" via Snapchat. Says a lot about the youth of today, because really, that is what some would do.

Glenn.


Glad you noticed that! That was totally what I was going for!


Quoted from IamGlenn


Love this. Brilliant.

And a nice ending.

Overall, this was very well done and very funny. A modern day slasher spoof and I wouldn't mind seeing this as a feature. With a little tidying up, this is good to go.

Nice job and good luck.

Glenn.

Glenn.


I'm so glad you liked this as much as you did! I usually don't spoof other genres but I just had to do it for this one. I thought the idea of a serial killer actually being in touch with the media was so out of character, which makes it hilarious. All of the other serial killers in movies, seem to live in the past  



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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I haven't read the script, but the title is extremely arresting.

I'd be tempted to expand into a feature based on that alone.


Well I'm glad you liked the concept. Hope you can get to it evantually!
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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Well the logline made me laugh. Puts me in mind of a slasher parody.

And you delivered that. I like this. I can imagine the characters and it was a very enjoyable read. Not sure if there's anything that you can improve on. It works for me.

Nice job.


Thank you! That's what I was going for!  


Revision History (1 edits)
LuisAnthony  -  July 4th, 2015, 10:05pm
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Don
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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#You Are Dead has been filmed and is on YouTube.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Gave this a quick look, and it was a fun watch... Loved the last scene and him hiding then popping up for the selfie... Worked well!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LuisAnthony
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for getting this up so quickly Don.

Yeah so this is #YouAreDead, a short film adaption of my screenplay. I hope ya'll like it.

I have a better version of the script, i'll try to get it updated.

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LuisAnthony  -  March 24th, 2016, 11:42pm
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LuisAnthony
Posted: March 24th, 2016, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Gave this a quick look, and it was a fun watch... Loved the last scene and him hiding then popping up for the selfie... Worked well!


Thanks for watching! Always appreciated!
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: March 25th, 2016, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, it was short, snappy and very entertaining. Well done on getting it produced.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Athenian
Posted: March 25th, 2016, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Enjoyable, Luis - congrats!
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