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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Alien Hospital Moderators: bert
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  Author    Alien Hospital  (currently 781 views)
Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Alien Hospital by Brad Harris - Short, Science Fiction - When a man enters his local hospital for a routine surgery, he gets more than he bargained for when he wakes up in the operation room to find the entire hospital is overrun by alien invaders.  6 pages - pdf, format


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Simon
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 11:09am Report to Moderator
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A small criticism, but sometimes you repeat words a lot in a short space of time, (like 'roll'). Also flying saucers attacking the white house is kind of cliched. Other than that, I thought it was pretty well written.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hi Brad,

I agree with the above post on repetition. But, did you need 6 pages to tell this story? I mean, you basically said the story in the logline -- what was the purpose other than an exercise in writing?

Tony.
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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if putting in the log line  that he wakes up in a hospital overrunn by alien invaders is the best bet, you are literally saying what happens in the short.

There are repetitive sentences throughout and others that are longer than they need to be.

Robert looks back at the alien looking doctor with a very
confused look.


"Robert looks at the alien looking doctor with confusion" would be a better choice.

I don't have a problem with the story itself, its quite interesting actually! I just think that some of the sentences read a bit awkwardly and it needs some polishing.

Good Luck!
-Luis
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