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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evicted - Filmed! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Evicted - Filmed!  (currently 6303 views)
Don
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evicted by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Thriller - Two drug addled squatters receive an offer they can't refuse. 6 pages - pdf, format

+++++++++

EVICTED - Short Film from Lee Howard on Vimeo.



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 27th, 2016, 7:34pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey mate - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Voluminous normally applies to a specific thing, like a voluminous dress... not sure it works as well here.
2) Personally not a fan of the fedora on Gianni, but just mho
3) Liked the Gavin's response re not doing anal,  but wondered if Steve could retort with 'I'm not as picky' or similar.

I did see where this was going, but it got there in the right way for me.

As always it's clean and crisp writing and very visual in the telling

Good job

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Hey mate - a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Voluminous normally applies to a specific thing, like a voluminous dress... not sure it works as well here.
2) Personally not a fan of the fedora on Gianni, but just mho
3) Liked the Gavin's response re not doing anal,  but wondered if Steve could retort with 'I'm not as picky' or similar.

I did see where this was going, but it got there in the right way for me.

As always it's clean and crisp writing and very visual in the telling

Good job

Anthony


Cheers mate. Sorted the voluminous thing out. I know it's a bit of a mouthful but I really like the fedora with tan trim. I'll consider that one. In my mind, Steve is the main guy and Gavin is the lackey, so gets all the dirty jobs. Plus I have to be careful not to go too far into comedy. I'll think about it some more though. Thanks for the suggestions and the quick read.


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Ledbetter
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Good story, Dustin,

One suggestion.

You should expand a little on the heroine shot.

You have the spoon bubbling, and then he's at mid shot though.

Maybe have him draw it, thump the syringe, or something that bridges the act from bubbling to shoot up.

Other then that, I enjoyed it.

Shawn
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LuisAnthony
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this.

One of the major things that stood out to me significantly was the dialogue, it felt very natural and it had a nice flow to it. With these kinds of characters in these kinds of situations, the dialogue tends to be very awkward, clumsy and obvious. So very good job with the dialogue.

I'm not a very big fan of these kinds of stories, in fact I don't really like them.

But there is a difference between not liking something and something being good.

This was very good.
Nice job!
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Dustin
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Ledbetter
Good story, Dustin,

One suggestion.

You should expand a little on the heroine shot.

You have the spoon bubbling, and then he's at mid shot though.

Maybe have him draw it, thump the syringe, or something that bridges the act from bubbling to shoot up.

Other then that, I enjoyed it.

Shawn


Cheers mate, I'll have another look over the script and see what I can do to bridge that gap. Excellent suggestion, thanks for taking the time to check this out.


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Dustin
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from LuisAnthony
I liked this.

One of the major things that stood out to me significantly was the dialogue, it felt very natural and it had a nice flow to it. With these kinds of characters in these kinds of situations, the dialogue tends to be very awkward, clumsy and obvious. So very good job with the dialogue.

I'm not a very big fan of these kinds of stories, in fact I don't really like them.

But there is a difference between not liking something and something being good.

This was very good.
Nice job!


Thank you very much. Even more so as it's not normally your thing. To be honest, I felt the same in regard to #youaredead, particularly as it's all been done before, but the story carried me through, made me laugh and had enough of an original hook to stand out from the other parodies.

Uhm... so nice work again.



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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin (ps if you read your name as custom beforehand that's the bloody spell check for you!)

Had a quick read and whilst I got the outcome early, lucky guess probably, this works and is decent.

An exterior visual showing an expensive house - eg London terrace - may help and would add extra meaning to the folk able to hire others.

For once I don't have many suggestions, but I would like the 'irony' that they would put the spoon down during the meeting to take the job, in order to get more spoon, only to leave the house and lose it. Perhaps they wouldn't do that in reality, but visually that could have an impact.



My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

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Reef Dreamer  -  July 6th, 2015, 7:51am
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RichardR
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Comments are probably the fifth worst thing in the world.

Good job. Clean read.  It seems like a lot of work to evict squatters, but I'll go with it.  A suggestion might be to Gianni a bit more distinctive voice. Since you go to the trouble to give him a distinctive outfit, have the diction match. And the surprise might be more complete if Gianni is in the bed covered up?

Solid work.

Best
Richard
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IamGlenn
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

GAVIN
(to Gianni)
I do anything but anal.

Straight away, lovely twisted humour, that I feel you do very well in most of your stuff.

STEVE
Easiest monkey ever.

Money? Unless they are calling their victim names..

Overall, this was pretty good. I do think it is a very extreme method to use to get rid of the squatters but within this story, it works. Kind of seen where this was heading as he left out his most hated thing. It had to be them. But, that's the way it works. Writing is on point throughout again. Easy to read and enjoyable.

Best of luck with this,
Glenn.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 2:57am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Dustin...had a thought. I know you 'love' my suggestions.

His aim is to get them out the house, I assume, so that it can be taken back. Once they are out the locks can be changed etc  

So, I would almost just have him drive them to a bridge, hand them the drugs and kick them out the car, perhaps at the end of a gun.

The last scene would them not bothered, shooting up under the bridge or wherever, as the locks are changed. The killing part can work, I just saw a simpler finish.

Best of luck.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

Iím annoyed that Glenn spotted the Ďeasiest monkey everí mistake as I wanted to report it. Thatís a great typo haha!

An easy read, everything was crisp and I could picture each scene clearly. Some good dialogue there, it flowed very naturally. Gianna is an interesting character and I say interesting in a good way.

I didnít see where this was heading. Drug addicts are the most unreliable and untrustworthy people in the world, apart from politicians, so it seemed odd to me at first Gianni would trust them with such a potentially volatile task. At the end, this then made sense.

I knew the old people would be more than they seemed but I didnít guess the outcome.  The only problem I have with the story is it all seems an unnecessary elaborate scheme. A pair of druggies is not exactly the hardest couple of humans to overpower and forcibly remove.  

The amount Gianna spent on drugs and the setup seems extreme, however the way Gianna is dressed suggests he is all about doing things in style so maybe you could build upon that. If he enjoys theatrics, making a big statement, doing things a little differently, it would make it easier for me to accept his solution to the squatting problem.  

Hopefully some food for thought there.


-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dustin
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 5:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I'll get to everyone's reviews, thanks for taking the time. I'd just like to point out that a monkey is cockney slang for £500.


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IamGlenn
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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Oh, ok. Didn't know that. Forget about that part of my comment then.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 6th, 2015, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
I'll get to everyone's reviews, thanks for taking the time. I'd just like to point out that a monkey is cockney slang for £500.


I should have known that, I'm from the Uk. Sure I'm from 'ooop North' but I should know better lol!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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