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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Palm Cove - Tropical Paradise Moderators: bert
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  Author    Palm Cove - Tropical Paradise  (currently 671 views)
Don
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Palm Cove - Tropical Paradise by Leon Gaitanis - Short, Horror - Two couples on holiday in the tropics, find out that being bitten by the local spiders, turns you into a zombie! 33 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: July 19th, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Leon,

Comments can sometimes be stormy.  Read under the sun.

I'm about a third of the way through, and I have to tell you that the sp has problems.  For one, you need to upgrade your English usage.  

FORE SOME should be FOURSOME
OVER WEIGHT is OVERWEIGHT
HIM SELF is HIMSELF
HAND FULL is HANDFUL
LYE is LIE and should  be LAY
THEIR is not THERE
YOUR is not YOU'RE

There are many problems with standard English usage, and they all say you're not a professional.  If you  have problems with English, find someone to proof read your script.

The story needs work also.  The first part is not needed.  If you merely opened at the beach, you would save ten minutes of pretty much nothing.  The storm doesn't add much either since it's one scene.  You don't need it to introduce the spiders or the zombies.  And then, you get marching zombies from the remains of an remote mine.  Also, the people involved, including the EMTs, would have little incentive to hunt down the zombies at the mine.  It would be time to beat feet for the civilized world and send in the Army to handle the spiders and zombies.  Lastly, bringing a live plant back into the US is difficult at best.  It would have to go into quarantine for some days in order to rid it of any invasive species.  The days of bringing home a cactus from Australia are long over.

Best
Richard
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