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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tattoo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tattoo by Jonathan Sieff - Short, Comedy - JASON (20) wakes up after a house party with a tattoo on his arm and must find out who ‘Lucy’ is. 12 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  July 30th, 2015, 8:52am
revised draft
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Forgive
Posted: July 27th, 2015, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Not being able to spell where you live is just plain lazy
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RichardR
Posted: July 28th, 2015, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Jonathan,

Comments often sound drunk...or maybe they should be written while drunk.

I recognize that this is supposed to be comedic, but it's pretty much just another tale about a bunch of drunk teens.  It's been done to death--the puke the booze, the notes, etc.  The flashbacks don't work for me because there's nothing novel in the scenes.  There are no surprises, and comedy needs surprises.  

Specifically, you should work on action paragraphs.  Also, work on Character descriptions.  Even your minor characters should have something that sets them apart.  A 'typical' teenager is not something we want to see on screen.  It's the atypical that get our attention.

Best
Richard
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