SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 1:31pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Julian Grey Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 9 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Julian Grey  (currently 2850 views)
Don
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Julian Grey by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Horror - After placing an ad in a lonely hearts column, a gay man receives a visit from an African who has misread the intention. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
LC
Posted: July 26th, 2015, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
SPOILERS BELOW:


Dustin, you had me in the palm of your hand and I was laughing and enjoying this thoroughly, and then...

See, I didn't notice this was 'horror'.

This dialogue is terrific! You got me laughing and I'm along for the ride...

FREDERIQUE
Happy. I can be very happy. I never
have sad days... and if I do, I
remind myself how lucky I am to be
alive. By the grace of God.

JULIAN
This (dictionary) was printed in
nineteen-sixty-five. The definition
of gay has changed considerably
since then.

And then the nice added comedic twist here -

FREDERIQUE
I’ll do it.
JULIAN
Excuse me?
FREDERIQUE
For you. I will do the gay for you.

Classic stuff.

Then another neat twist when Frederique starts rummaging for valuables - you still have me at this point.

And again, touché, he questions whether Julian is lying so he doesn't have to employ him. All of this is priceless comedy. You top one thing after another. But then...

You lost me at this point - top of page 6.

Frederique takes a seat and puts on the innocent African
migrant routine.


And okay, I really should have known with Julian whistling Danse Macabre and I should have noticed the genre, but I didn't.

I feel compelled to tell you, you have such a flair for comedy - I was laughing in my chair at the dialogue. That's no mean feat for a writer. Comedy is hard. And this is such a great topic to choose.

What I'm getting at is: please write a comedic version of this in its entirety, maybe even ditch the horror version altogether. You'd have to think of a different ending of course, but I'd love to see what you come up with.  

See what others think, obviously.
I'll be watching this thread and am very interested to see what other feedback you get.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 24
DustinBowcot
Posted: July 27th, 2015, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from LC
SPOILERS BELOW:


Dustin, you had me in the palm of your hand and I was laughing and enjoying this thoroughly, and then...

See, I didn't notice this was 'horror'.


The original idea came to me as a comedy. What if somebody misinterpreted an ad looking for a gay companion. As I started writing it though, I soon realised that the concept would be far larger than a short and would actually better suit some sort of Gay romance feature... which I'm not in any particular mind to get into. Great concept for a romcom though. So, yeah, I tacked in a quick horror plot to tie it up.


Quoted from LC
This dialogue is terrific! You got me laughing and I'm along for the ride...

FREDERIQUE
Happy. I can be very happy. I never
have sad days... and if I do, I
remind myself how lucky I am to be
alive. By the grace of God.

JULIAN
This (dictionary) was printed in
nineteen-sixty-five. The definition
of gay has changed considerably
since then.

And then the nice added comedic twist here -

FREDERIQUE
I’ll do it.
JULIAN
Excuse me?
FREDERIQUE
For you. I will do the gay for you.

Classic stuff.

Then another neat twist when Frederique starts rummaging for valuables - you still have me at this point.

And again, touché, he questions whether Julian is lying so he doesn't have to employ him. All of this is priceless comedy. You top one thing after another. But then...


Thanks.


Quoted from LC
You lost me at this point - top of page 6.

Frederique takes a seat and puts on the innocent African
migrant routine.


It's meant to imply that he acts like he's innocent and a little stupid. I've known quite a few foreigners that will feign the dumb foreigner as it's what we English people expect. As a nation, we're fairly arrogant. Exactly what we accuse the Germans of... and the French come to think of it. I see now though that it may be construed as my being racist because the word African is in there. It's easily remedied by taking out his country of origin altogether.


Quoted from LC
And okay, I really should have known with Julian whistling Danse Macabre and I should have noticed the genre, but I didn't.

I feel compelled to tell you, you have such a flair for comedy - I was laughing in my chair at the dialogue. That's no mean feat for a writer. Comedy is hard. And this is such a great topic to choose.

What I'm getting at is: please write a comedic version of this in its entirety, maybe even ditch the horror version altogether. You'd have to think of a different ending of course, but I'd love to see what you come up with.  

See what others think, obviously.
I'll be watching this thread and am very interested to see what other feedback you get.


I'd love to, but I'm not sure I could pull it off as a short. I had images of the joke lasting a lot longer, Julian taking him out to fine restaurants etc before both of them realising the motives of the other. Like I said though, it's feature territory I think... never say never though too, maybe something clever will come to me. I'll think about it, cheers.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 24
RichardR
Posted: July 27th, 2015, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Dustin,

comments are never sexed.  The apply with equal vigor.

I'm sure I get every detail.  By the end, I'm guessing Chico is not an immigrant at all.  That he has come to rob Julian, although I'm not certain about that.  I liked it better when he was an immigrant.

It would appear that Julian runs an ad, gets a good candidate, and then does his Dr. Death thing.  The problem is I don't see him putting Chico through his paces.  If I were going to kill a drifter, I'd make damn sure he was a drifter.  Julian makes no effort to ascertain if Chico is alone with no one to look for him.  

Chico turns out to be a thief which is fine with me.  I missed why he was so intent to get to the basement.  Julian says it's a mess except for the wine.  Can you give him a reason to go to the basement instead of trying to loot paintings off the wall?

I don't see a need for the flashbacks.  If you put them in the linear narrative, they work fine, and you do need them so Chico can have the key.  

Last, Chico proves to be a woefully poor fighter given his size and the hinted at rough life he's led.  But I buy that Julian is skilled at this.

Overall, it's a nice little story that is comical until it becomes serious.  Has some potential.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 24
SAC
Posted: July 27th, 2015, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Dustin,

This was disturbing, yes, and well written. You set the scene up very well and it had a consistent tone throughout.

What bothered me is that everything came on so quickly here. I didn't see Fredericque as being the opportunist he was, and I didn't see Julian being a murderer. I feel this could have gone in a different direction other than horror and perhaps had a different effect. Like Libby said, it was good comedy there and could have gone that way. But it just felt like something was missing to me as everything happened so quickly. I have a feeling it had something to do with your descriptions. They were excellent, and have us a sense of place and in doing so a sense of who Julian was. But I think his character needed to be fleshed out a touch more through dialogue and his back and forth with Frederique. Didn't feel there was enough of that.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 24
LC
Posted: July 27th, 2015, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from DustinBowcot
It's meant to imply that he acts like he's innocent and a little stupid. I've known quite a few foreigners that will feign the dumb foreigner as it's what we English people expect. As a nation, we're fairly arrogant. Exactly what we accuse the Germans of... and the French come to think of it. I see now though that it may be construed as my being racist because the word African is in there. It's easily remedied by taking out his country of origin altogether.

I should have phrased my point better. I didn't mean that I didn't understand it - I meant I should tell you that this is the point where you lost me with the direction the story was going and I started skimming, and yep, the horror did feel tacked on to me at this point, like you ran out of steam with the comedy. I wasn't picking up on any racism btw, more a method or MO from the character. I see your point now, however.  

Quoted from Dustin

I'd love to, but I'm not sure I could pull it off as a short.

I think you underestimate yourself. The comedy up to that point is gold. Perhaps come back to it after the 7WC.

Quoted from Dustin
...maybe something clever will come to me. I'll think about it, cheers.

Hopefully it will. I look forward to reading a revamp if you do.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 24
Forgive
Posted: July 28th, 2015, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
ooookay. This was an odd one. Not to sure about the opening line, but that's a matter of choice.

I think Juian's description needs a comma for clarification:
JULIAN (62), black dyed hair framing a botox-filled face
JULIAN (62), black dyed hair, framing a botox-filled face

We're back to your preferred choice in action-like parenthetical.

Julian smiles and walks into the kitchen.

--unless the kitchen is visible, exits the room is better, as the kitchen is a separate location.

Left alone, Frederique stares at the abstract artwork,

Frederique stares at the abstract artwork,
--is as good as we know he has been left alone.

noting the straight line theme,
--how is this shown visually?
...Frederique stands, stares at a picture, and traces a finger along one of the oil-painted lines.

Frederique notices that the artwork is signed by Julian.
--an insert would do here, else, where is the visual.

Frederique jumps, feigning shock
--I wasn't to sure about this as it implies an extention to his original action:
Frederique jumps, then feigns shock
or

feigning shock, Frederique jumps

and pulls his hand away from the painting.
--as per my suggestions, except this is not put into a visual action.

He turns to see Julian standing in the
kitchen doorway clutching a laden, silver tea tray.

--does laden need a comma after it?

Frederique indicates that he’d prefer it black and takes a
cup, sipping it hot.
--how?

FREDERIQUE
You mean, you want friend and male
lover.
(?)

Frederique sits, devastated,
--again? Because--
p.3 Frederique takes a seat
-- so maybe he takes a different seat this time. Musical chairs or something. To brighten things up.

Julian leans forward and gives Frederique a friendly tap on
the leg, notices Frederique slightly flinch then control it.

Julian leans forward and gives Frederique a friendly tap on
the leg. Frederique flinches then controls it.


Julian walks to a cellar door removes a key from around his
neck
Julian walks to a cellar door, removes a key from around his
neck

Julian whistles Camille Saint-Saëns’ Danse Macabre as he
makes his way back up the stairs.
--I like the reference, but his again is a different location, so the tune would be (O.S.)

Frederique takes a seat and puts on the innocent African
migrant routine.

--I have no idea what this means, but it sounds racist. I assume you're not referring to a dance track?

Frederique has a little
chuckle to himself and admires the champagne like a
connoisseur,
--I'd be interested to know how this is done.

p.7 you need to end the series of shots, else it's confusing.

Clutching a large butcher knife
or: Clutching a large butcher's knife

Two tables full of dismembered body parts.

Two tables, full of dismembered body parts.

Clear bags filled with blood drained body parts
Clear bags filled with blood-drained body parts

EXT. JULIAN’S HOUSE - DAY
A knock at the front door.
Julian, clean, calm, in a silk dressing gown
--implies Julian is outside & the 'caller' is OS - so is the caller inside?

An attempt to shock, okay. People do that. But it is only a description of shocking things-- you do not, in fact, take us that close to what shocks here because you have not immersed yourself in what is shocking here. You have presented a piece, but cannot take us too close because your have not taken yourself that close either. It's okay. It should be disturbing, but I'll sleep fine tonight.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 24
Forgive
Posted: July 28th, 2015, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27

Quoted from LC
Dustin, you had me in the palm of your hand and I was laughing and enjoying this thoroughly, and then...

See, I didn't notice this was 'horror'.

This dialogue is terrific! You got me laughing and I'm along for the ride...


You can't be serious can you? This was never meant to be comedy? It says horror, it's meant to be horror.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 24
LC
Posted: July 28th, 2015, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
You don't see the comedy up until page 6? I'll say right back at you Simon, you surely can't be serious.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 24
eldave1
Posted: July 28th, 2015, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Very well written.

I concur with another posters comments that the ability for an aged Julian to win a knife fight with Chico is a bit of a stretch and a hic-cup for me.  - I do like the horror of a stabbling over something like a gun shot - but just didn't see where Julian could pull this off.  Maybe Julian could be an experienced archer and come down the stairs with bow and arrow in tow - something where he has an advantage.

The dialogue was absolutely superb.

Like other readers - I started thinking this was a comedy. That being said, I have no problem with the twist - it makes the horror all that more unexpected which I think is a good thing.  I concur - if you were going to carry this thru to a feature there would be a lot of comedic ground to plow (something akin to Julian needs to have Frederique pretend to be his gay lover/husband in order to.....).

But as a short - I like the sudden turn of events. For me - it works.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 24
Forgive
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 1:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27

Quoted from LC
You don't see the comedy up until page 6? I'll say right back at you Simon, you surely can't be serious.

I am. Can you point out the comedy bits?

BTW Dustin, on the forum it has Grey/script has Gray
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 24
LC
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 2:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Forgive
... Can you point out the comedy bits?

Sure. The whole opening conversation/interaction between the two characters is comedic via the misunderstanding - starting with the Feng Shui comment which goes over Frederique's head, the interpretation of gay/happy - him pulling out his 'printed in 1965' dictionary - then instead of Frederique remaining devastated, he says he's willing 'I will do gay for you' - Julian laughing in response.

Julian, comes across as an eccentric and very particular artiste type - combine his character with the less than sophisticated Frederique (i.e., picture these two in your head, on screen - a bit of an Odd Couple) add the back and forth banter in the beginning (up to page 6, like I said to Dustin - until it took a much darker turn) and the dialogue is comedic. Not 'stand up comedy' raucous side-splitting comedy, but funny, all the same.

Comedy is subjective.
However, I don't seem to be alone in responding to the comedic moments.

Also re your comment: 'It says horror, it's meant to be horror' - I opened the script (like I said) without noticing the genre listed as 'horror', and I read it with no preconceptions.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 24
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 6:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
As soon as I read the the funeral march and the plastic covered carpet, I knew it would be horror. Two hints right off the bat. There were some comedic touches, but definitely horror...maybe because there is where my mind is normally.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 24
LC
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 6:43am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Grandma Bear
As soon as I read the the funeral march and the plastic covered carpet, I knew it would be horror. Two hints right off the bat. There were some comedic touches, but definitely horror...maybe because there is where my mind is normally.  

There's no denying this is a horror, definitely forecast like you say, Pia, and obvious in the second half and denoument. Simon was querying the comedic element which I felt Dustin showed a real flair for.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 24
Forgive
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 7:32am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
I probably mis-read the tone; I'll give it another read this evening.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 24
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006