Psykyesis by Eric Wall - Thriller - A pregnant widow must unravel the mystery of a serial attacker who has been attempting to steal unborn children through crude C-sections, less she become the psycho's next victim. 100 pages - pdf, format


Psykyesis - 1st 10 pages by Eric Wall - Thriller - A recently widowed young woman must make a hard decision regarding her pregnancy. Complicating that decision... a serial attacker who has been attempting crude C-sections to steal unborn children.  1st 10 pages - pdf, format

Psykyesis? Is that a made up title? Google doesn't shed any light on it...

Whew! That's a nice gory opening, right outta the gate.

And, you kill Peter off straight away which is interesting as it did appear he'd play a bigger role - still, I reckon that'd be a different story altogether and this is obviously about MAY being left alone and pregnant with a lunatic on the horizon.

An abortion at seven months?! You'd be pushing it to find someone to do it at five. I suppose that might be the whole point in your mind when concocting this story, but I'd give that some more thought.

Eric, I'd definitely read more.

My first son was born prematurely at 6 months. He's 11 now.

Some exciting, gruesome stuff going on. Be interesting to see where this one goes. Good luck.

Hard to see where the story's going currently, the car scene was a welcome addition as the script started dragging before that point. There's not much to say here as it feels like the story's still waiting to get started, I'd definitely read on, only to see where this is going. I also like the ironic nature of the logline.

Title - is that a real word, I assume so.

Logline - sounds unpleasant, but perhaps also a little undeveloped, but then again better than most of mine!!

Ok, it's not a comedy.

Mixed signals to me during the first few pages, but actually that's ok. Too obvious is worse.

Lead - pregnant May? She's seems to be the focus but wasn't to start with. Not 100% clear.

Genre - I'll have a wild stab at horror  

Where's this going - well we have a lead from the Logline, as well as the opening, on the c section desirer. So with all the lovely pregnant lasses, I assume a village under terror, more being attacked. Mays situation confuses that, but again that could be good. Who the killer and why? Stepford wives without kids??

Oh by the way is it the doctor who miss diagnosed the still born??

Would I read on - yes, not my cup of tea, and perhaps a hard sell - or is it, I don't know - but there is a foundation.

All the best

Hey Eric,

Logline sounds... dark... so this is right up my street! Let's see if the script delivers

Wow, great opening scene. The writing was superb, and you instantly pull me in with the drama of the scene. Great work.

Page 3 is a bit confusing. The closes the door. Then she "opens the it", and then she's back outside...?

Fuck me, that was intense, haha.

Page 7 - The description seems as if it's Tori drinking the fruit punch, but the dialogue seems as if it is May drinking?

Page 9 - I'm still not 100% sure if our protag is Tori or May... I'm guessing May, but I would make this clearer, ie, have this scene on p. 9 be completely from May's POV and so cut the opening where the focus is on Tori.

Page 10 - "Must be something in the water here." Haha, I was thinking the same thing.

Jesus, was not expecting Peter's backhand. JESUS! Was not expecting the fireball car either, haha. Congrats for surprising me twice on one page.

What a strong final scene, also.

I have no idea where this is going, but I am excited to continue reading. Great work.

... P.s. But I'm not a massive fan of the title.

Hey Eric,

Title threw me a bit. Not familiar with this word.
Logline sounds crazy though. Pretty original.

Pg2.. ANN (V.O.)
But you still have to give birth to
him. You need be healthy.
(to be healthy)

Drew returns the vodka to
the refrigerator turns and stops...
(missing a comma between refrigerator and turns)

Pg3.. Jesus! Gory stuff. It's one thing sawing a pregnant woman's stomach open, but having the little head in view and all? Would this be shown? Dunno.

Pg4.. An EAGER GUEST sets a big package in front of Tori
(Sorry, I giggled)

In the corner, LIONEL (35), a man who used to go wild in his
teens but now programs software for a living and budgets his
finances using Excel, looks up from his light beer.
(That's a lot of telling. How do we know he used to go wild?)

Her posture stiffens in nervousness.
(Sounds awkward. Her posture stiffens with nerves?)

Pg5..we’ll call them BAD EXTENSIONS and BLEACH JOB
(I like it)

And the rest, I didn't really look out for mistakes because this got pretty damn good. You write well and this is an excellent set up.

Peter seemed like a horrible person, but I thought we were gonna get a lot of that and then you kill him! Surprised the hell outta me.

I'll definitely be looking forward to this.

Good luck.

Glenn.

Don't worry so much about what will be shown on screen. Just be grateful you got to read it. If they did manage to pull that off on screen it would certainly count as a memorable moment.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Don't worry so much about what will be shown on screen. Just be grateful you got to read it. If they did manage to pull that off on screen it would certainly count as a memorable moment.

It sure would. I'm not saying I'd mind, but I just know there'd be a fair bit of controversy over it. A good thing, I suppose.

Eric,

Memorable -- if graphic intro, straight into R territory.

‘Music themed bedding’ tripped me up -- it’s a bit tricky to visualize.  I think the guitar theme mobile and Drew’s Ramone’s tee suggests an interest in music.

Doctor Shipman?  Not sure if you’re UK based or not, if you are then I’d hazard a guess this is intentional.  If not, you might want to give it a google...

Think you could trim the phone dialogue -- get the most salient points across and get out.

Drew’s actions in the kitchen struck me as disconnected from the previous scene in the bedroom.  She goes from emotion overload to returning the vodka to chill and worrying about the back door. It feels a bit inconsistent.    

Was liking this up to page 12 (good work with Peter’s death -- nicely handled).  May’s dialogue with the lawyer (and granted this is a work in progress) seemed to jump the shark -- would she be so quick to divulge such personal details?  Or a lawyer to comment on abortion to a grief stricken widow?  Granted he’d know the law, but I can’t help but think he’d be keen to steer her to a medical practitioner rather than entertain the notion (though you may well know better on this aspect).  In any case, to me some of the dialogue felt out of place, shoehorned for audience benefit.

One thing that struck me was May doesn’t quite come across as your main character -- not yet.  Perhaps not crucial at this point, but she doesn’t quite stand out from the other characters.  

That said, I liked this enough to read on.  A fast 12 pages (think a further draft could see some trims to the opening scene).  Overall some memorable moments, keen to see how it all ties together.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Eric,

read your first thirteen pages. I'm a horror fan, but the subject matter is not really my bag, but that's my problem, not yours.

You set the tone for horror right off the bat. So, you succeeded there.

I haven't seen a McGuffin yet, but I'm thinking it might come into play later on?

I think my biggest issue with these early pages is that it took me a loooong time before I knew who this is going to be about. At first, I thought it was going to be Drew, then at the baby shower, I thought it was going to be Tori. After page thirteen, I'm thinking it will be May. I would suggest focusing more on May in the beginning so there's no confusion for the reader/audience who we're supposed to be rooting for.

The writing itself is fine, but could be tightened here and there.

Good start. Just make sure there's no doubt who are protag is and who the antag is. Oh, and don't forget the McGuffin.  


Page 1.    So Drew is still pregnant while downing vodka? Even if the baby can't survive outside the womb,I have no sympathy for this at all. Not a good way to start this script if we are supposed to care about Drew. It's like the opposite of a "save the cat" moment.

Page 3.    I have mixed feelings about this beginning, to be honest. At this point, I do not care for Drew at all. I'm a horror lover, but for some reason, I have always had a hard time with pregnant bellies being cut open. It also reminds me of this late term abortion/fetal tissue selling controversy going on in this country right now. Not your fault, but they all add up to unpleasantness.

Page 4.    Clunky description of Lionel.

A very compelling opening.

The second scene waned for me a bit - although I thought the dialogue was really believable.

The scene with Peter at home - well done. I did not see that twist coming.

Overall - I would read more - this is a nice start.

Title kind of throws me a little.

Pg 3 She opens the it...

It says the baby coughs etc...I thought she said the baby was already dead? A bit confused by this.

Just thinking out loud about this first baby killing thing. It may have had more tension and more
emotion/drama if the mother hadn't said the baby was already dead and was drinking. I mean if she was this mother that the baby was all she had waited on all her life and then it was cut from her stomach, to me, this would be a bigger punch in the gut for the audience. Or if she was drinking and thought the baby was already dead...I could see her kniving the baby out and then offing herself when she saw it was alive.

Some of the descriptions are a bit awkward like 'the figure admires the baby" stuff...how does a figure admire a baby like if you aren't showing the figure maybe you could reword it. The way it's written is confusing and you don't want to slow the reader down at all if you can help it.

I got some laughs from the presents at the shower but not sure I like the scene after the baby cutting scene to be a baby shower. Not sure why I don't really like that....

I would almost like more mystery surrounding Peter's abusiveness. It's all out on the table. She is obvious about his jealousy to Tori and then he is abusive to her and mean when they go home. I'd like to see more mystery surrounding this guy and their situation.

I do like the mystery surrounding why all these women are pregnant in the neighborhood.

I can tell this is horror from the beginning. I would definitely read more. I can't say that by the end of these pages though that something really happens but I guess you could say your opening was your inciting incident and that's often done in horror I think.

Good job and I look forward to seeing where this story goes

Reminds me of a short film I've been working on , I think you're doing a good job thus far building up the characters . Two pregnant women , and killer on the loose , I'm hoping you throw in a good twist somewhere in there to keep it unpredictable . Give the killer a logical reason for these killings and I think you've got a solid script as long as you set it apart from the other "slasher" films . Make it stand out .