Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Mark Renshaw - Short, Comedy, Sketch - A gullible man telephones a conman, to complain about a rainbow he has inherited, after it is held up in customs due to unpaid Bag Of Gold Tax. 3 pages - pdf, format

The page count is off in the description... but the logline caught me attention.

As a quick skit this would work, and is quite funny in places but it's not a whole story imho.

Raised a smile though

Anthony

Mark - you're missing a bunch of commas - look for all instances like this:

Quoted Text CONMAN It is highly irregular sir, but I could cover the cost for you.

There should be a comma between irregular and sir - common issue throughout the script

Yeah this is only 3 pages, not 14!

And it is indeed a comedy sketch (skit) and not a full story.

Mark

Sorry, I hate to be abrupt (as you know I love to waffle) but I didn't get this.

Col.

Oh hi, Mark!

This really reminds me of Woody Allen's short stories and sketches. The humour and style is so similar I wouldn't be surprised if you're familiair with it.

You may want to consider changing up formats, go the short story route instead. As a three minute film with pretty much only dialogue it won't work as such. As the guys before me said: it's more a sketch than a film.
If it were a short story you could expand upon both characters' surroundings (perhaps even a little background info) and add more physical and visual jokes as they conduct their conversation.

The cherries are ripe for the picking, you just have to find your bifocals first. (Don't worry, I have no idea what that means either.)


Sandro

Mark,

Good job.  I liked this little sketch.  I think that you can make this a true short if you include the scenes you alluded to.  Show the sap paying the import tax and the gauranteed clear day premium and the optional double rainbow.  A series of scenes might be in order.

Best
Richard

Quoted from eldave1 Mark - you're missing a bunch of commas - look for all instances like this: There should be a comma between irregular and sir - common issue throughout the script

Crap, always making errors like this. Just spent about an hour reading up on commas, when they should be used and when they should be ignored and ended up with a load of conflicting and confusing rules. I then spotted this quote which made me lol - "I have spent most of the day putting in a comma and the rest of the day taking it out." — Oscar Wilde

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Mark Sorry, I hate to be abrupt (as you know I love to waffle) but I didn't get this. Col.

That's OK Col, some of my comedy goes completely over some people's heads. Have you ever watched Monty Python? The Cheese Shop sketch, The Dead Parrot sketch etc. This is kind of a modern homage to those types of skits.

Quoted from Sandro Oh hi, Mark! This really reminds me of Woody Allen's short stories and sketches. The humour and style is so similar I wouldn't be surprised if you're familiair with it. You may want to consider changing up formats, go the short story route instead. As a three minute film with pretty much only dialogue it won't work as such. As the guys before me said: it's more a sketch than a film. If it were a short story you could expand upon both characters' surroundings (perhaps even a little background info) and add more physical and visual jokes as they conduct their conversation. The cherries are ripe for the picking, you just have to find your bifocals first. (Don't worry, I have no idea what that means either.) Sandro

Hi Sandro. Thanks for the comments. I'm not a fan of Woody Allen at all, so I don't know if this is in his style. I was aiming for more like a Monty Python style. At the moment it's designed for the stage, as I've written it for a comedy club competition, but I think you are right and it could be updated as more of a story with visual elements.

Quoted from RichardR Mark, Good job.  I liked this little sketch.  I think that you can make this a true short if you include the scenes you alluded to.  Show the sap paying the import tax and the gauranteed clear day premium and the optional double rainbow.  A series of scenes might be in order. Best Richard

Thanks Richard. At the moment it's designed for a stand-up comedy club 3 minute sketch competition, but I think you are correct, it certainly could be expanded and include more visual elements. I'll sleep on it and see!

-Mark

Mark,

I’ll occasionally skim through my spam box for a chuckle -- see all that inheritance I’m missing out on -- a wealth of comic material to be found in these scam set-ups.

Anyways, I do like the ‘impounded rainbow’ idea and there’s some nice lines in the Conman’s constant ‘assurance’ to David.  A good basis for a skit, pity you’re limited to 3 minutes as it feels like it could do with something more to spin the idea in another direction.  

What if there were a little more of a twist in here?  Some snag to the proceedings preventing somebody from getting what they want.  What if David already ‘has’ a rainbow (there just so happens to be one outside as they speak… -- the guys an idiot, but it’s his idiocy that saves him from the scam).

All the best, hope you get to see it performed -- be a kick to see folk performing your lines on stage.  

Steve.  

Quoted from MarkRenshaw That's OK Col, some of my comedy goes completely over some people's heads. Have you ever watched Monty Python? The Cheese Shop sketch, The Dead Parrot sketch etc. This is kind of a modern homage to those types of skits.

I'm a big fan of Monty Python and love the sketches you mention. This didn't go over my head, I understood what you were going for and appreciate the Pythonesque absurdity it just didn't work me. The one liners fell flat and I felt the ending needed more of a punchline.

Sorry, its my bad really, perhaps I shouldn't be so abrupt in future and explain myself better as I did come off as not getting it.

Col.