Five Miles to Ricochet by K. Robert Keller - Short, Youth - Two adolescent boys, eager to please themselves, learn it's not always about them. 9 apges - pdf, format

Hello K. Robert,

Your script seems to me like a typical case of a novelist trying his hand at scriptwriting. Your action is filled to the brim with unnecessary, uninteresting detail, incomprehensible jargon, unfilmables and also quite a few typos.

I'll highlight some of the worst offenders to give you an idea:

Quoted Text EXT. BRIGHT SUMMER CALIFORNIA BEACH - ONE HOUR BEFORE SUNSET

One of the longest sluglines I've ever seen. Should simply be: EXT. BEACH - DAY. You can add the details, which you crammed into your slugline, in the action.

Quoted Text Two adolescent boys ADAM, 14, and ROBBY, 12, soberly survey the uncharacteristically tiny waves, one-inch crumblers roll-in every few seconds, lapping effetely against their tan feet.

No need to write "adolescent boys" because you note their exact age later in the same sentence.
Age is usually written between parentheses like this ADAM (14), and ROBBY (12), etc.
No idea what a one-inch crumbler is or why I need to know.

Quoted Text ROBBY (over phone) Did you see the Ricochet swell report?

I've seen it done like this before but a more common way to format someone talking over the phone is: ROBBY (V.O.). We already know it's over the phone because Adam's phone rings and he picks it up.

Quoted Text The call abruptly over, Adam flings both legs to the floor as he disentangles the sheets to stand. Though he religiously wears sunblock, he's tan all over and is wearing only his salt-waterfaded, black-on-black RVCA board shorts draped down to his knees, the uniform of middle-class beach kids. His frame is ridiculously straight from hours of rowing practice.

Again, this is way too descriptive. The clothes especially.
The partial sentences in bold are unfilmables; how is the audience supposed to know that?
I won't give any more examples of this because it happens in the majority of your action description.

Quoted Text YOUNGER BROTHER (O.S. from the upper bunk) He's not home.

Should be formatted like this: YOUNGER BROTHER (O.S.).
"From the upper bunk" is okay where it is.
Happens again throughout, e.g. with Colin, and the construction worker.

Quoted Text EXT. BIKE PATH - HALF MILE LATER

A half a mile can be travelled in five minutes or in five days. DAY or NIGHT is the way to go, we don't constantly need to know when the next scene takes place exactly.

Quoted Text ROBBY (flipping a one-eighty and braking to a stop) Crap.

That is a full-on action, shouldn't be in a wrylie.

And at the end you're missing: "THE END".

Stories like these with kids as protagonists can be great; Stand By Me, Where the Wild Things Are, Mud. But it's hard to do right because the stories are generally quite subtle and require depth to make up for the lack of action/tension. I also like the boyish enthusiasm prevalent throughout both the story and your writing. However, I feel you've gone overboard with it, because it feels like Adam and Robby wrote this script themselves. This boyishness should be limited to the characters and their dialogue, it shouldn't pervade your description of action.

However, the biggest problem for me was that nothing interesting really happens; boys are just being boys and go from point A to point B with a few slight hiccups in their path. This might be a cool short for kids, but I'm not one and I was bored. You're missing an antagonist, not saying you should add a big bad baddy but the boys need to be challenged in some way.

Sorry for being so harsh, but remember: compliments are nice but pointless, critique stings but helps.

Good luck with this.


Sandro

Thank you for your thoughtful comments.  Yes, the audience is for kids.

Most important were your "un-filmable" remarks.  This was deliberate to add character backstory and depth, a technique done in Cohen Bros scripts and novels, as you mention.

Your remarks are sincere and useful.  Thanks!

You're right about the Coen brothers veering from the standard. And that's exactly a reason why it's not a good idea to study their scripts. I read a few of theirs and they really do things their own. If it's your goal to sell a script then I would really check out spec scripts. If it's for yourself to direct or produce, then great, cram in as much detail as you can.

Otherwise, don't study scripts by the likes of the Coens, Tarantino, PTA etc. They do things very much their own way because they've deserved that right and their work is sold before it's even written.

It was my pleasure to read your work and comment. Whatever you do, keep writing.


Sandro

K. Robert,

Comments are sometimes adolescent.  Read with beer.

I'm not sure about this one.  I like it, but I feel it's overwritten.  If you're going to produce and direct, it's fine.  Otherwise, it takes some of the creative juice out of the people who will produce and direct.  My two cents.

I'm not sure why  you add the scene with Dad on the motorcycle.  He doesn't really figure in the boys' trek to the beach.  And this is their story.  I will echo Sandro's thoughts concerning the events in the story.  They're heading for the beach and get delayed by mechanical breakdowns, but they don't do a lot of stuff.  And there's no payoff.  The waves are gone--if they ever existed.  

In any event, the dialogue works for me.  The little brother has a role.  The construction workers don't interact, so I'm not sure why they're there.  Now, had they fixed the bikes...yeah, that works.  

Good luck.  
Best
Richard

Hey RK - I would echo most of what Sandro posted here. Here is an example of the issue:

Quoted Text The motorcyclist is Adam's father, JEFF, 48, a retired long-haul UPS trucker who, like Andy Griffith of Mayberry, loves to freshwater fish with his oldest son. After a half-dozen attempts, Jeff had finally convinced reluctant Adam that today was their perfect "fishing day."

There are two major issues with the above (as well as several other blocks throughout the script; (1) does the detail matter? (2) Tell vs. show

In terms of the first issue - why it is relevant that Adam's father is retired or once was a trucker?  Those details never play a part in the story - nuke them. AND

if you are going to include them - you need to show us not tell us as there is no way for a director to film - "act like you're a retired trucker".

Moving on - how do we know Jeff loves to fish with his eldest son ??? What did he say or do to impart that? When you mention the half dozen prior attempts - did you want the audience to see that or not - if you want them to know it - you can't  do it in the way you do it - above. There is simply no way to film it. If it is important for us to know - then it is important to make it filmable - quick example:

INT. GARAGE - DAY

JEFF (4, organizes a fishing tackle box as Adam applies wax to the bottom of his skateboard.

JEFF
I just thought that once I retired, we would go fishing more.

ADAM
Dad, for the tenth time - I'm surfing today.

JEFF
I checked the surf reports - no waves, just little crumblers today. C'mon, It'll be just like Andy and Oapy.

ADAM
God - fine. We'll go fishing.

Adams drops his skateboard to the concrete.

ADAM
(scooting away)
I'll be back in a bit.

If the it's not important enough to film - then just nuke it.

Your dialogue is fine. You have a good sense of the character's voice.

The description/action blocks do read like a novel. They need to read like a screenplay.

Good luck with this

Incredibly helpful.
Thanks a bazillion!

not a problem