Without Great Power by Aaron Berry - Short, Comedy - A bored teenage self-described geek decides to wreak havoc as a vigilante "superhero," until he gets a shocking comeuppance. 16 pages - pdf, format

Hi Aaron,

The below contains spoilers.

Nice title, got me interested. I read the script and it seems inspired by Kick-Ass, which isn’t bad as the first Kick-Ass movie is awesome, the less said about the sequel the better.

Unfortunately, unlike the first Kick-Ass, I didn’t buy into your story at all. Your protagonist acts like an 8 year old but is supposed to be a teenager. If he was completely mental then yeah, maybe. I had a hard time believing he wouldn’t be beaten up to a pulp within seconds of him attacking the first guy with a curtain rod. Not only does this not happen, but he then goes on an anti-crime spree which defies all logic and reason.

Your dialogue needs a lot of work. You are too busy trying to make statements rather than writing natural sounding dialogue. It all comes off as bad exposition.

The twist had promise but again you got lost in trying too hard to get a message across. Again, the logic and reason goes out of the window, as we discover the comic book writer is also a crime ‘affiliate’, who goes around murdering wannabe superheroes to protect the integrity of comics.

I know this is a comedy but none of it really worked for me. My comments seem harsh but I think you actually have a good idea and just need to work on the execution.

The idea of someone copying the people who copy superheroes, is a solid starting point. To make it funny and believable, make him fail. To have him actually come across a real criminal is also a great idea and adds tension, you just need the antagonist to be much more believable.  Cut down on using dialogue to explain the story to the audience, or to get your message across. Use it naturally, try speaking it out loud with a friend. Remember the basic rule, show don’t tell. Instead of using what your character says to tell the audience something, show it with what your character does.

I hope my comments help.

-Mark

Hi Aaron, I'm a fan of the Kick-Ass movies and a comic book guy in general, so this drew me in immediately. I thought it was a fun little short that built to a slightly anticlimactic end, but the comic book spirit was definitely felt throughout. It's well written, but the overall story treads through worn territory that we've already seen. The identity of the Large Man at the end was a nice twist, but this could've gone to another level if there were maybe just a little extra something in there. Didn't stop my enjoyment though. Good stuff.

Mark,

I'm glad you took the time to read the script. Thanks for the help to, I'll take heed to it all when I revisit it especially with the dialogue. Rereading it aloud didn't do much justice.


As for a general thought with what I was going for, my idea was that this scenario is absurd and it knows it. I wanted some form of comic-logic to rule here since the principal characters involved are deeply invested in them. So much that it encompasses real life and neither of them have options outside of the extreme decisions they make here.

I had "Kick-Ass" in mind, as well as "Super," a similar film. Though I deviated from them where the character isn't a teen who gets in over his head or a middle-aged guy who only wants to look for agency like in "Super," but can't tell good from bad. In this one, I wanted Brian to be unlikable from the start. Someone doing it for kicks.

Not to say that it excuses anything, because I'm ironing out the flaws after looking through again, but I felt it helpful to express one view I was putting across.

Overall I found it enjoyable, but I do agree that you should develop it a bit further.  

I realize that is really vague feedback, so I figured I'd include a few ideas on how you might be able to develop your story a bit more (just to warn you these are not necessarily great ideas or better ones they are just some quick thoughts  that may help spark some ideas).

In terms of Brian's motivation at the start, if he wants to do this just for fun (just sort of vicarious thrill seeking), wouldn't his room be covered with images of him in different cos-play outfits and doing larping. This might establish the idea that he makes the leap that he does because his fantasies no longer satisfy him. You could also set up something similar with respect to him choosing the curtain rod. He's forced to use it because all of his cheap comic-book props/toys are broken and in pieces or that he can't bring himself to take them out of their original packing.

Is there a reason Brian just chooses to hit people with the rod instead of maybe going after them in a more ironic or self-defeating way .  Using a trash can against the litterer (making a worse mess), harassing and banging on the car of the woman texting (distracting her making her crash) .

When you look at the above suggestions, look at them as questions and an opportunity to clarify your own thinking about how you want write your story. Good luck  with it.