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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Project Genesis Moderators: bert
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  Author    Project Genesis  (currently 1419 views)
Don
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Project Genesis by Jonathan Jackson - Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the beginning, man created two sentient cyborgs. 121 pages - pdf, format


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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnathan: from page one there are problems here that you might want to apply to the entire script in your next revision.

Don't write Character is doing.... Write - Character does.. For example:


Quoted Text
ALEX, a male sentient cyborg that looks human, is walking
through a large garden lush with all kinds of fruits and
vegetables.


ALEX, a male sentient cyborg that looks human, walks
through a large garden lush with all kinds of fruits and

You do this throughout. If you have an is/are followed by an ing word you may want to change that.



Quoted Text
INT. LABORATORY ROOM - NIGHT
DR. GARRETT, an old white-haired scientist dressed in all
white, is sitting at a table working on Alex, a male advanced
cyborg. Dr. Garrett is piecing him together. All parts are
reminiscent of human parts. Alex bones are a silver metal
material that is shiny and sleek. His organs are machine like
but very elastic and emit blue lights. Muscle fibers and
nervous system are tube-like. The blood that pumps through
the body is blue. The skin is clear and gel-like. Dr. Garrett
is using a pen that utilizes laser technology in order to
start each organ and seal all open areas. He is using
microscopic capable glasses to look into the body. Dr.
Garrett finally is done putting the body together. He sits
back and takes a breath.
DR. GARRETT
It is done.


Break this up - generally, once you have gone more than four lines of description - you have gone to far.

Good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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TonyDionisio
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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I have several issues with the title/log which prevents an open read.

PROJECT GENESIS, Wrath of Khan anyone? I doubt the geeks will let this go.

"In the beginning " beginning of mankind? Man couldn't create fire let alone anything else  in the beginning. So,  you need to elaborate something about this setup.

Okay,  man created two cyborgs,  I'll assume that's what you mean by beginning. But then what?  Where's the conflict? Struggle or risk?
Gl with the script,
Tony
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GreenGecko
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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These Genesis references are really cheesy.

I don't like the intro VO. It's very flat, but also vague, grand, and trying to explain the theme and the plot so quickly. It should be there to set the tone more than it should be there to explain everything to the audience.

There seems to be minor inconsistencies with Alex. First you say that his first thoughts are of his father and he knew that. But then a line later he says he didn't remember his first thoughts and that he has the mind of an infant. And then you contradict that a half-page later when he's forming full sentences and walking around, so he's clearly not like an infant. Be consistent.

Overall the first scene is just way too expository. I assume these are colleagues who know Garrett and his work well, so why would Dr. Michael say something like "You did it. You have created a sentient cyborg?" It seems that line is there for the audience only, and it doesn't feel real.

It seems like an imaginative plot, but the first scene should reflect that. Instead of all this expository dialogue, give us a good image. Maybe show us Alex walking around like a baby after first awakening.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: August 31st, 2015, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Interesting concept to mirror creation and the fall. I find inherent hurdles in the question of being human and human in affect being God. My disbelief was not suspended enough to buy in and I kept thinking of I Robot. Very wordy. The first 20 pages could be cut to 10.

We have a robot that can outperform a human yet they are organic, so doesn't being organic limit their performance as opposed to I Robot being made of metal where you can understand their superior performance?
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Just been done to death. Think of something else, plz
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