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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Lady At The End Of The Pier Moderators: bert
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  Author    Lady At The End Of The Pier  (currently 1444 views)
Don
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lady At The End Of The Pier by Jack Jones - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - If you go down to the pier today, you're in for a big surprise… 2 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jack, took a quick look... just my opinion of course...

SPOILER ALERT

I couldn't figure out what the 8 8 8 was, but it intrigued me... even when she draws the blade I was momentarily confused... then 9 9 9 - clever twist and I liked it.

Two pages used effectively - good effort imho

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thought this was pretty solid.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 3:23am Report to Moderator
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Simple... urban tale-like. Written well, but not a story for me... well, there isn't a story. Who is she? Just an old lady that kills people while hanging out at the end of a pier, and she's managed to do 8 of them, sorry, 9. Does she clean the blade every time? Maybe a pack of baby wipes in her jacket pocket?

A trilby is a hat... there isn't any need to write, trilby hat. Just trilby will suffice.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Well written, decent mood, and a twist.

I don't know, it just didn't do a huge amount for me, but sound work.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Sandro
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Expertly written script, motivates me to try my hand at an ultra short such as this. Nary a superfluous word, each sentence creates mood and propels us forward.

The brevity, however, works both for and against you here. It's more of a sketch than a story, but because it's such a super quick read I don't mind very much.

It's good as is but I definitely wouldn't mind reading an extended take on it.


Sandro
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RichardR
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Jack

I think this is comment number 666 666 666....

Well done.  A solid little tale that works for me.  We get just enough to keep us in the game until the ending comes.  Less is more in this case.  

Best
Richard
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kingcooky555
Posted: September 1st, 2015, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Nice two pager. I personally liked it. However, I'm not sure how someone can produce it as there's not much "meat" in it.
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JackJ
Posted: September 10th, 2015, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all,
Thank you to Don for posting my script and thanks to everyone that has read and posted their thoughts, I appreciate it.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 10th, 2015, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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That whole BOLLARD paragraph made my eyes bleed.
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JackJ
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
That whole BOLLARD paragraph made my eyes bleed.


It's a bit messy.
Kinda rushed the ending too.
Oh well.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the blood tears.
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