Damien by John J. McGuire - Short, Drama - An Irish Rugby player travels to Brooklyn to locate his girlfriend. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hi John,

I'll be honest and say I started skimming after the first page. The dialogue in the bar was so unnatural and stilted that I laughed a few times. I didn't know whether it was 2015 in Brooklyn, or 1800s in a Tolstoy novel. Your characters speak like extremely polite robots. Something I always do is read my dialogue aloud upon revisions and that's when I start to cringe and make corrections.

After this scene I hit the 1.5 page wall of action. As my interest was already diminished by the first scene, I skimmed through it and it seems to me that you wrote a lot about very little. You could easily cut that down to half a page or so.

Then I got to the ending and realised that this isn't so much a short story as it is the last scene of a longer romcom drama. And a not very interesting one at that: girl runs away, guy chases after, says he wants to marry her and all is well again.

You also wrote about 5 or 6 times that Peggy was screaming and/or crying. Not only was it way too much (we get it after the first mention) but you formatted it incorrectly:

Quoted Text PEGGY (SCREAMING)

Should be:

PEGGY
(screaming)

The concept is interesting, I thought you'd exploit the Irishman-in-New-York aspect of it but you didn't at all. He's seems right at home, it might as well could be set in Ireland. Your name sounds Irish, use your Irishness.


Sandro

John,

Feels more like half a story -- pity as the scenes preceding Peggy’s apartment had a sense of mystery/foreboding to them that worked to pull me in -- who is this guy? Why is he looking for Peggy?  But then it all just ends.  No real twist or payoff, just a guy finds out where his pregnant ex is and tells her he’ll be there for her...

That’s it.

The looking over the shoulder, checking the sharpness of the knives etc. all a bit of a misdirection -- I feel a bit cheated.

Not badly written, and I thought the dialogue had a certain feel to it in places.  A few minor issues:

THE PARK SLOPE SECTION OF BROOKLYN, 2015

-- Is this meant as a SUPER/TITLE?  

p.1 -- ‘Damien stops occasionally to check behind him.’

-- How occasionally?  Hasn’t he just entered the bar?  Maybe he: ‘checks back over his shoulder as he enters’.  

p.3 -- Why ‘apparently closed tight’ -- why not just locked?  It either is or it isn’t.  Minor stuff but it helps smooth the read.

Anyways, thought there’d be more to this but in the end it just kind of ended…

Needs more of a story if it’s to make an impact.    

Steve

The Omen films will forever scar the name Damien for me, but this is about rugby so I hope it’s OK, as long as the son of the devil has not taken up that sport!

The logline itself doesn’t thrill. Use the name of the script and the logline to tell the reader what the story is about and entice them to turn the first page. As it is I could never see myself picking this on Netflix.

First page – You’ll need a SUPER for that first line of text.

Damien is ruggedly handsome. According to a survey I’ve just made up in my head, the term ruggedly handsome appears in approximately 98.375% of all scripts. Joking aside, have a think about character descriptions and try to make them a bit different.

I’ve never heard of a growler before, that’s a nice touch. Makes me want to find out what the difference is between this and a pint.

I agree with other comments on the dialogue. It reads quite wrong. Are you trying to give Damien an Irish sound without using dialect? If so it doesn’t really work. Try reading the dialogue out loud with a friend and you’ll spot the weak areas.

Hmm, Damien knows the old ‘open a door with a credit card trick’ – an essential skill for an Irish rugby player.

“Damien checks the living room, the dining room and the bedroom before entering the kitchen” - That is going to take three/four separate blocks of action to convey on the screen.

Is Peggy really screaming entire sentences?

Does loose clothing signify pregnancy?

Forgive my attempts at comedy. I’m at the end and it doesn’t really end. This isn’t a short story as such, it’s a few scenes cobbled together. The writing is awkward, needs a lot of work. I think you can write, I just don’t think you’ve had much experience writing scripts, which can easily be remedied.  Just read lots of scripts and script writing guides…..and write lots of scripts!

Best of luck.

-Mark

John,

Comments can be pregnant with meaning.  These aren't.

As others have pointed out, the dialogue is less than convincing.  It simply doesn't sound real.  

You give us a setup by having Damien constantly checking over his shoulder.  If you use a setup, you need a payoff.  There's no payoff for the checking.  What does he fear?  Who is chasing him?  Same goes for being a great athlete.  Why bother if it doesn't play in the story?  He could have been a half-famous banker or a movie director or whatever.  If you're going to go to the trouble of placing such a detail, make it pay off.

Same with Tom asking if Damien is a cop.  If Peg isn't in some kind of trouble, why ask that?  And if he asks, shouldn't she be in trouble?

The dialogue in the apartment is an info dump.  Would she really state what they both already know?  Sounds as if she's doing it for the audience, not for a good conversation.

And the ending has no twist at all.  He came to marry her.  OK.  When he does the thing with the sharp knife, it's another setup with no pay off.  Looks as if it's just filler.  Why not have him go through her clothes and find the maternity stuff?  There's a payoff for that.

In all, it's a ordinary story where the details don't contribute much.  Think of how the details can add to the story and revamp the dialogue.

Best
Richard