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I Love Sabrina (currently 1390 views)
Don
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 6:28am
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So, what are you writing?
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I Love Sabrina by Linda Leilani Brown - Comedy - Sabrina Washington, 17, quirky and chubby, enters a beauty contest to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine and 25,000 dollar but discovers beauty is more than skin deep. 114 pages - pdf, format
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 12:03pm
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Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go off Is he in Sabriba's room?
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eldave1
Posted: September 13th, 2015, 7:32pm
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Read thru a couple of pages. - Have some random thoughts:
Quoted Text
INT. SABRINA’S BEDROOM - MORNING The alarm clock goes off on the night stand. Lady Gaga’s “”Born That Way”” blares away on the airwaves or something like it. The clock reads 7:30 am.
I think this is visually out of order. I would start with the clock time and then the alarm. e.g.,
An alarm clock on the nightstand reads: 7:29 A.M. It turns to "7:30 AM" and the alarm goes off in the form of Lady Gaga’s “”Born That Way”.......
Anyway - just a thought.
Quoted Text
Slobber hangs from her mouth as she feels it and wipes it off. Sabrina is a charmingly nerdy plump girl, with glasses and braces.
You demonstrate pretty early on that she is nerdy - don't include the unfilmable here.
Quoted Text
Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go off.
You got to put him in the hall or something - i.e., I think you are missing a scene heading.
Quoted Text
Good morning lovely!
Missing a comma after morning.
Quoted Text
A large black and white fake dog sits in the corner. She hugs him.
Why not just tell us that it's stuffed or ceramic - fake is just the wrong descriptor here.
Quoted Text
Sabrina has a naive wild imagination.
Another unfilmable.
Quoted Text
and JACKY, 17, her other best friend who’s “”mouthy”” and a nerd as well, stand.
Another unfilmable.
You seem to have these everywhere. Count on your dialogue and action sequences to demonstrate your character's traits.
Good luck with this.
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