The Memory Map by Bill Sarre - Thriller - After a traumatic mission, a covert agent goes on the run only to discover that her survival depends on an experimental procedure to unlock part of her memory. - pdf, format

I like the swimming pool, tear drop stuff. All very nice, but it does make me somewhat impatient to get to the story. Then the description of Beth (what a coincidence, we both having a Beth in our stories) is good, but could be kept to one action block. However, I'm not going to bang on about that type of stuff. I like it all until I find out exactly who Beth is through a telephone conversation before page two. With such a lengthy descriptive opening, I was settling down for something with a bit of depth. But, I feel a little bit let down.

If you look at most openings for secret agent type of stuff, they're usually completing a mission which shows us who this person is. This opening where you relate this information through a phone call is kinda dull. Come up with something exciting and also relevant/poignant to the over all theme would be my advice here.

Then we go to a war office where yet more exposition is delivered through dialogue. A lot of people that don't need to be there... why not be a private meeting from the start? Better (IMO) would be if he goes in all dramatic and shuts shit down right then and there with all the people still there, kicks them all out. Then the video link and the reveal about losing the trusted ally. Also, drop the sign with the joint operations thing, would that really need to be on a door where important things are discussed? Allow the information to flow through drama.

Page 6... and we find out there's something wrong with the job via a telephone call while sitting in a Land Rover. Wouldn't it be so much better if she found out there were problems only when she actually went to complete the job? Then she would have to think on her feet and show us how great she is.

I can't buy the way Beth got into this place without being searched. What is a wad of cash? A few K? Perhaps a $100 bill would be better, but even then this all seems too much of a stretch to buy into. Why does the hotel maid know more than Beth? So far this a straight drama with moments of tension. You could so easily ramp things up.

At last, page 13... some action. It's pretty good too.

Then it drops again with the Beth rescue. She's rescued from a heavily fortified place with armed guards, the SAS are there and not a shot is fired? No. No. No, no, no, no, no! All those mofo's need to be shot and killed, something needs to go wrong. An alarm is tripped, something, then all those bastards go down in a hail of bullets... but of course, our heroine must also get involved in the gunfight and maybe even be the one to actually save the SAS when they walk into some ingeniously devised trap.

I'm at around the 20 mark. Time for coffee. So far though mate, I think this needs an uplift in the rewrite. Look for ways to heighten the drama by raising the stakes. Even in the hospital scene it's a lot of talking about both what's happening in the story and  in the revelation of character motivations. All things that could be done through action.

I don't really want to go into how you've written things as you have your ways, but this sentence below stands out to me too much to not say anything:

The Doctor gazes at Mason who performs a reluctant nod.

Is this down to not wanting to use an 'ly' adverb? If you have to write like this to get around it, then using the 'ly' adverb would be better.
Ashok is like the pakistani version of Austin Powers. Shagadelic, baby, yeah. Was this intentional? Either way, he's the best character so far. Everyone else takes themselves way too seriously.

There's a lot of OTN dialogue and poorly delivered exposition in this script at the moment which adds page count but also makes it boring. If this was a Frederick Forsyth epic then it would be OK, but it isn't. It seems like this should be an action script. But it lacks action.

I'm at 44 and feel that I am only just entering the second act. For a 104 page script, that seems a little late.

73 -- Guys with guns. Good. I like the busker thing, done quite well. There's just a serious lack of high stakes action. Considering these guys are secret service they only just figure out about Ashok being a neurologist etc. They should figure this out earlier, then maybe have Ashok need certain ingredients while evading capture from all of the security agencies.

82 -- and now you've actually gone the route I suggested earlier. But this should be the start of your second act, when all the fun begins. Then once they find the serum and administer it (or whatever it takes to get her memory back) that would be the start of the third act. When conclusions are drawn, bad guys revealed, final showdown etc.


And everything ties up nicely in the end. This script has a lot of potential but needs a fair amount of work before it is at a stage where you could confidently enter it into competitions or send it out to producers. There's a huge chunk of first act, the second act drags along not really going anywhere at all and the third act is over all too quickly.

I've already explained the fixes I believe will help this story and I hope you find something useful from these notes. Good luck moving forward with this one. It could be the female equivalent of Jason Bourne if the tempo is raised several notches.

A word about the setup. Too wordy and not necessary. Here is an example: and likewise one of the few not wearing a name badge. Do name badges really matter? I don't think so. Nobody will notice and nobody will care. If you never made mention you would not miss a beat but two times you mention name badges. Even if YOU think it's important it's not important cinematically.

I'll be frank, you have a thriller spy movie that for the first nine pages is all talk; not thrilling, not action. It's boring and not a good way to start.

WAITRESS (collects herself) The banker,  Abudulla, pretends it’s his party. It's not. Someone else is behind this, don't know who

The waitress has the wherewithal to say someone else is behind this? She is just a waitress making a living. What does she care?

Even True Lies had the the comic relief in the van and Tasker with his subvocal mic sending information and then comic relief feeding info back so Tasker could navigate a party and people he has never seen before.

I might open this thing on page 12, with a better intro to Beth getting in the party.

Why, because reading this I forgot everything that has come before. This is interesting with no need for prior set up save for letting us know she is a spy with backup.

The Soldiers fire up their night vision goggles

why?

CAVENDISH (V.O.) OK, assault authorised. Don't be seen, don't get caught

Uh, say what? Don't get caught? This would rate up with saying "be careful." These guys are armed to the teeth, they know both drills. Better to say "God speed, men" than stating the obvious.

Now a bunch of talking again until I get to page 23 and Beth is wheeled aboard a plane.

Same thing until I get to page 28. I will tell you all I care about is seeing what happens to Beth. Yeah, she went all Scarlett Johansson (you pick the movie) on the guy but that's the only interesting part so far. You know, we didn't know anything about Jason Bourne in the beginning and the story let all that unfold. Another reason to ditch all the priors.

Skim reading through page 33...

page 45...

Don't feel like reading anymore. Not catching my attention after what happened to Beth. Takes too long to develop. By page 45 something should be going on but isn't, at least for me.

Just wanted to dip in an say thanks to Clorox for picking this up and giving a read despite not being in the 7WC.

I will consider all the feedback, from here, the coverage feedback, and the other reads...and then try make sense of conflicting comments

But whether we agree, or not, the more we have to chew on, the better. It's then up to us to be honest with what needs changing.

Cheers

Any chance you could post up the coverage notes? I'd just like to know what conflicting comments there are.

I know my comments can come across as overly negative but there is also a lot to like about the story. The memory map stuff is very good and there is a definite market for this premise, in my opinion. You write action well. Once you got stuck in it was very well done.

So just have some fun with this in your next draft. Raise the stakes and the pace... turn it into a rollercoaster ride. I'll read the new draft once you've absorbed all of the comments. I'd like to help as much as I can.

Bill,

Comments are often forgotten.  Hope some of these stick.

First, congratulations on completing a script in a small window.  

I’ll comment as I read.

First thing that comes to mind is that thrillers often open with a teaser.  Put the protag in action from the git-go, introduce the major players, and show the audience what kind of trip they’re going to take.  Your opening seems too slow, too wordy, too long.  It’s not a teaser at all but part of the main story.  I’ll buy it.

We move along, and the extraction is straightforward, too straightforward for me.  Too easy.  A barking dog is all?  Now, if this is a setup to dump the arab and send the girl back, great.

Next, comes an info dump.  Why not jump from the back of the range rover to a hospital?  All can be covered in her debrief such as it might be.

I’m at page 30, and the plot is clear so far.  She can’t remember what she did for a month.  The yanks think she stole top secret data from whom?  The arab was a low level informant, right?  What could she steal?  But I’m still with you, although we’ve gone a pretty long time with no action.  She killed off the arab at page 15.  

They escape the hospital although I’m not exactly sure why.  The flashbacks seem to work, but they’re no substitute for action.  Shouldn’t getting out be a bit more dramatic?

A thought.  Instead of telling the audience where they’re going, why not just have them show up?  I have the feeling there is too much storytelling and not enough showing.

At this point we’re with a new shrink, and we’ve been told her problem more than once.  Page 40 and still not much action for this type of movie.  Lots of talk, lots of threats, but no real movement.

I do like the making of the map.  With a bit of work, it could be very riveting, real.  

We got back to Tranter and the flight sham.  Why not hide the flight in plain sight?  Change the originating point and let it land.  Make Tranter’s job much harder.  Picking through 1,000 known flights has got be harder than picking out the one that supposedly didn’t occur.  Doesn’t NSA track all flights?  Satellite data in real time would pinpoint all flights coming from the Mideast and ending in England?

Cavendish at the manor seems unneeded.  No new info is passed.  Nothing is needed for the rest of the movie.  They escaped.  Unless Cavendish uncovers a vital clue, dump the scene.

Almost to page 60 and we haven’t had a good bit of action in a long time.  We’ve just gone through some fluff with the busker and found out the flight data we didn’t need.  Why not put Tranter in the secretary’s office with the damning info?  Where is the suspense in the busker scene?

And some action.  Good job with Beth killing off raping hubby.  Might enhance it by having her being almost receptive, as if she likes it—until she kills him.

I know every good story is supposed to be a love story, but the busker thing seems forced.  She’s a trained agent who is on the run and she stops for a little chat?  

We get to page 70 and the kill squad has been activated.  I think this is far too late.  I would think they would have captured her by page 50 with her escape by page 60 sans Mason who took one for the team.  But that’s me.  

And we get the action we’ve been waiting for.  Mason down, Beth on the run.  Still hasn’t got the memory she needs, but she’s closer.  I’ll buy it.

I don’t like the abort even though she called it in.  If the spooks are as good as we think, then they would have blocked all communications or at least monitored.  But I’m with you for the moment.

Point.  Ashok and Akram are too similar.

And the chase scene.  Works for me.  Wish we had had one or two earlier, but I’ll buy the ambulance.  

The ending doesn’t work for me.  The helicopter just in time doesn’t work.  Beth not getting to kill Tranter.  Being saved by someone else.  Who saves superman?  

And the happy ending which I love.  I wish that somehow Beth had used Paul in the story, perhaps passing the memory stick to him or sticking it in his guitar or something.  That would have worked if she almost got him killed.  

Overall, a good effort in a short time frame.  My advice would be to speed things up and provide more reversals.  Everyone knows from the beginning that Tranter is the villain.  Can you hide that somehow?  Can you get her captured once or twice along the way?  Show us her extraordinary skills?  Can there be more competition for the memory stick?  A story like this should break into violence frequently.  Give the audience what you promised, an action packed thriller where her memory is key but inaccurate?  

In any case, a good effort.  Thanks for the read.

Best
Richard

Quoted from DustinBowcot Any chance you could post up the coverage notes? I'd just like to know what conflicting comments there are.

sent

once again thanks for the feedback. after seven weeks a script is very unlikely to be ready so a healthy debate may be not what we dream of, but probably what is needed.

cheers

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Just wanted to dip in an say thanks to Clorox for picking this up and giving a read despite not being in the 7WC. I will consider all the feedback, from here, the coverage feedback, and the other reads...and then try make sense of conflicting comments But whether we agree, or not, the more we have to chew on, the better. It's then up to us to be honest with what needs changing. Cheers

I read some of Dustin's comments and in general my comments mirror his. True, i did not submit anything, so my comments are worth what you paid for them. I read and giving feedback. I don't have credentials however i can give you my thoughts like some guy you met in a bar and gave your script to and said read this and tell me what you think. I've said many times what blows up one person's dress doesn't blow up the next person's dress.

Hey Reef,

Got to page 68. Will read the final 35 on my lunch break tomorrow.

Thought that I would post up my comments are thoughts so far.

Page 1 – OK, is this a swimming pool? If so, I’d get rid of the “appears” and just tell us flat out the location of this first scene. I guessed that it was a pool, then I was thinking it was someone’s drink, then when the swimmer appeared, I was back at the pool, but a little confused about the ice cube?

I quite liked the tear part, though.

Ehh… Not the biggest fan of this first exchange with Beth on the phone. It was all a little clunky and OTN for my liking. Couldn’t we just have her being bored in the hotel room, around the pool, etc., but with some information (a gun, stacks of money, multiple passports, etc.) that indicated she was something beyond a regular tourist? I feel that this introduction could really be exploited to milk as much mystery from the situation as possible. We learn five pages later that there’s a mission going in in Dubai, so we will be able to put two-and-two together, and work out that Beth’s an agent then, if not sooner.

P. 10 – Sometimes you capitalise-introduce the minor characters, other times you don’t…?

P. 11 – This all seems far too easy… Couldn’t Beth discover this herself? I.e., after the Waitress tells her about Abudalla (who the Waitress miscalls Abudulla…) pretending that the party is his, but it isn’t, couldn’t Beth find this secretive guy in the back booth herself? Or maybe she sees him first, and it’s one of his henchmen that scolds the waitress. Then Beth can ask her about this secretive guy, as well.

P. 12 – OK, time jump… Cool. Maybe some kind of fade out, to fully show us that a passing of time has occurred?

P. 15 – “She spies a large whiskey tumbler on the floor next to the coffee table, alongside her head.” How religious are these guys? I wouldn’t have pegged an Islamic terrorist cell as being the whisky drinkers…

P. 18 – “When you kill a man twice your size, without a weapon, it can get nasty.” I lol-ed here. Murdered by a pair of flying buttocks… Sounds like something from Austin Powers.

I still can’t believe that these guys didn’t search the property to retrieve all the information about this guy’s money network. From what I’ve read in the few non-fiction books I own on the war against terrorism, raids of this nature are (nearly) always followed by an extensive search of the property.

P. 22 – “We've been monitoring an informer's house. She hadn't registered as one of yours until yesterday, after she killed this man...” Wouldn’t Cavendish have mentioned the fact that this guy kidnapped his agent?

I’m already thinking that this set-up would work better if we didn’t see Beth kill Akram; we just saw the aftermath. Keep the whole thing shrouded in mystery. Why? They’re talking about the chance that Beth went rogue… I feel this would work even better if there’s a real question mark hanging over her head, and we – the audience – think that she might have actually gone over to the dark side, so to speak.

Hmmm… the amnesiac spy trope. Tropes exist for a reason. The female angle is new, but I’m just hoping that the story will offer something fresher than this as the narrative progresses.

I’m still not 100% sure why Beth and Mason escaped the hospital. I mean, Cavendish would surely want Beth to retrieve her memory as much as she does; his arse is on the line as well. Why would she think that he’s setting her up? I agree that the story works better with them on the run, but I feel that you need more here, in the way of stakes and tension. Why can’t they trust Cavendish? Give them a good reason to escape, then you’ll also create a situation whereby Cavendish is also hunting them, which means a further increase in tension.

P. 40 – I like this Ashok character. He’s a breath of fresh air, compared to the spooks… Although, he’s laying it on thick and thin at the bottom of this page, in relation to his motivation.

I felt that this scene didn’t need to be five pages, either. The banter worked well, but I’d stripped it back slightly and get down to the meat of the scene.

P. 42 – Would an informer really have a list of agents? This just seems like taking a massive, unnecessary list. I could maybe see this if the guy was an agent, or someone that recruited informers. But a lowly informer – effectively, a criminal who has been paid or blackmailed to pass on information?

P.s. As a PhD student completing my research in the field of cognitive neuroscience, just let me know if you want any more detailed information on this field.

P. 45 – What is this head device? TMS? Or EEG? Sounds like EEG, but the effect is more TMS.

These scenes are moving a bit too slow, for my liking…

… And now Ash is becoming a bit too comical, for my liking. This feels like something from a spy spoof, not a serious thriller. A little comedic tension is great, but I would consider dialling him back slighty.

Bottom of p. 51 – Tranton’s dialogue here was too OTN for my liking.

This script needs a big dose of tension, IMO. I normally hate to do this, and compare scripts to other similar films/scripts, because every story is unique. But still, compare this to the first Bourne film... Jason’s trying to decipher his amnesia, but the big difference? He’s constantly on the run. People are making his life difficult, trying to catch him, kill him. Now compare this to Beth... Who’s been sitting in a dentist’s chair for the complete second act. Bring forward the American's finding out. Have them gunning for Beth by the mid point, at the absolute latest.

P. 63 – “Our world is rarely clear. Let's put it this way. If I had the best funded agency in the world, I don't think I would pass a list of my agents to a banker who deals with terrorists. Would you?” A-ha! Great minds think alike

I really hope these busker scenes have some kind of deeper meaning/ reason for being included as well – and I’m guessing they will. Still, they’re really not doing anything for the lack of tension.

Regardless, this is a quick, easy read. Your writing is a joy, and the pages are speeding by... I just feel that the tension in a story like needs to be cranked to overdrive. You can't just have your main character, a MI6 agent, sitting around for over half the story.

That being said, I am still intrigued to see how this one pans out.

Toby.

Hey Reef,

Part two of my review, as promised.

P. 68 – “You can be an arsehole some times.” Where did that come from? This whole scene needs an overhaul, IMO. The conflict feels contrived.

I’m really not getting this relationship between Beth and the busker. I really hope there is some greater meaning to this.

P. 72 – This “kill squad” moment is exactly what I was talking about earlier! This needs to come at the midpoint, by the latest. Use each major plot point to keep raising the stakes. In my opinion, the end of act 1 should be when they escape the manor place… But give them a solid reason to escape this, one which will lead to Cavendish wanting to track them down. Then the stakes can be further raised at the midpoint, when we’ve now got the Brits and the Yanks on our heroes tale. Give the story a reason to move. Static second acts just feel so… static. As soon as you introduce the Americans coming to kill Beth, with them heading towards Oxford in their vans, these subsequent memory sessions take a whole new urgency that was totally missing from this conflict-less, tension-less scenes before.

P. 74 – “To confirm, One female, Asian , one white male, one male, Indian. The female to be shot on sight.” Some funny formatting here. Random capital letters and spaces between punctuation.

P. 78 – This scene should be a major reveal… But it feels like an anti-climax, as we’ve already seen how Akram dies. I feel that this would work a lot better – and would also reduce the length of the first act, to allow the manor-break scene to occur at the end of act 1 – if we started act 1 at the aftermath of Akram’s murder. Throw us straight into a mystery. Who is this girl (Beth)? Who is this man? What the hell has happened? Put the viewer in Beth’s shoes. Give us as little knowledge of the past as possible. Are the scenes in the party beforehand necessary, when we see these in flash back after Mason retrieves Beth? I personally feel that by doing this, you will not only add a really need mystery into your story early on, but this will then make this reveal of Akram’s death have the poignancy that it currently does not possess.

P. 80 – This plot point should come a little earlier as well, IMO. This needs to before the end of act 2. Force our protag and her unlikely ally on the run, earlier.

P. 89 – “If you want the data, bring Mason to the train station, one hour. Or I'll come and find you.” Just a minor point, but surely there would be more specifics than this?

This is actually getting good now. I’m finally feeling the tension. Shame it took 90 pages

P. 95 – “The ones we're fighting? No wonder they want that quiet. Shit!” Really didn’t like this line.

P. 97 – This chase scene is really well written.

This twist wasn't bad, I just felt that it needed to have been set up better.

Not a fan of this final scene with the busker. Beth/Yasmeen’s story was finished with her applying at Oxford. In fact, I would consider cutting the busker out completely; he has no place in a spy thriller, IMO.

OK, finished. This was a really solid attempt. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but there's a lot in here to like, and you've given yourself a really solid base to work with when moving forward. You writing was a joy to read... especially the action scenes! Which is why I was so distraught that there wasn't more of these in the script. Compared to the other films in this genre that this will be competing with, it was very light on the action. So this is something that I would definitely look to beef up in later drafts (and is linked to the point I will shortly make, about also increasing the tension). Take our characters out of the lab. Force them to go on the run. The second act of any script shouldn't take place primarily in a dentist's chair, especially not the second act of a spy thriller. I really liked the idea of using a neuroscientist's invention to access the memories as well... I just found these earlier scenes pretty dull to read. This all changed once you ramped up the tension with the killing squads, as these sessions now had a sudden sense of urgency.

So what would I recommend moving forward? These are all suggestions, so feel free to disregard any that you do not agree with. But I would recommend opening with something more engaging than you currently have. Maybe an action packed teaser that will set up the final twist better? Maybe the mystery I suggested earlier, of the aftermath of Akram's murder. Or maybe both. I'd then get to the story quicker. End act 1 with Beth and Mason escaping, but give us stakes to this escape. Why did they ened to escape? What will happen if they get caught? How is their life harder now, than it was before? Then get to the American kill squad earlier, to give these memory map scenes that suspense and urgency that I previously felt lacking... and remove the busker

But overall, this was a solid effort. Good work, mate.

If anything that I have said is unclear, just let me know, and I will do my best to clarify my points.

Toby.

Hey Reef,

Congrats on completing the challenge. I'll jump right into it.

Pg. 1 The opening remarks seem too expositional. "We need to break into that banking network", in particular. Is it crucial to know what they're talking about at this point? It might feel more natural and create some mystery to be more obscure here.

Pg. 3 Is Tranter suggesting he's making unilateral decisions? I'm not sure how far that kind of assertion would get him if he actually wants to do that. If he's actually with US Intelligence, isn't there always someone to report to?

There's a lot of discussion during Beth's mission about things I feel the team should already know, or have figured out way before they started the mission. For instance, Beth is told the party's in the hotel when she's already there. So she presumably knew this info already. I just feel like it's more realistic to show some prep work has gone into this.  Perhaps a scenario where the mission is going smoothly, then hits a snag. Right now it comes off like they're improvising as a first choice.

Pg. 13 If the mission serves mainly to introduce the scenario where Beth was last seen, I suspect you could cut a lot of it out. Particularly Beth's scenes before the mission. With a little punching up, it could even serve as a tense, spycraft-type intro. A teaser to whet our appetites before people in suits start talking politics.

Pg. 17 If Beth is our protagonist. It seems strange that she remembers less than we do. Or does she? Does she remember the fight at least? I wonder if it might not be better to remove the fight and just have Mason retrieving her signal. Now when we find her we, like her, will know nothing about what happened in that room. We may even suspect her.

Pg. 21-22 The dialogue here could use a clean up. I think I got the gist of it, but there’s some awkwardness and possible typos. Examples: “She hadn’t registered as one of yours” - Does that mean she didn’t register, or they hadn’t realized who she was? and “Oh, it was in Dubai, now you ask.” - I’m not really sure what that means.

Pg. 31 Just getting to the memory retrieval concept. The pace is a little slow. I can’t help shake the feeling that streamlining some scenes and possible resequencing could get us here faster. I’m also realizing that Beth is about to deliver exposition about much of the mission right here to the doctor. Maybe this should be the first time we really hear what the mission was about. We would see her actions, her amnesia, we’d digest the political stakes, but if we held off on what the central mission was, we might create a bit of mystery that will A) make this present scene more intriguing and B) get us to it faster.

It would’ve been nice to see a bit more of the Doctor’s process. Or a more distinctive technique. As is, he more or less asked the same questions as everyone else and came up with the same answers.

Pg. 39 “We will be killed if…” Killed? I thought she’d just be arrested, interrogated, possibly held or tried as an enemy combatant, but killed? Based on what? Even the Americans only have suspicions.

Pg. 43 Things are slowing down too much. We’re about to get another attempt at the memory, but right now I’m wondering whether you missed an opportunity to amp up the excitement by not showing Mason and Beth’s escape from the hospital. I’m not even entirely sure what they did, besides put the “Do Not Disturb” sign up. Would’ve been nice to have a little spy/stealth/action/whatever you want sequence to get some tension and suspense out of their escape.

Pg. 47 Would Mason really be shocked? On screen this would look like a version of hypnosis. Beth has her eyes closed and is speaking. I think it would play oddly to have anyone be shocked at that, unless they said specifically why they found it so surprising (“That drug should’ve put her into a coma” or some such thing).

Pg. 48 From what I’ve seen so far, I like the memory map technology and how it’s portrayed. It does raise some practical issues, though. Like how come this washed up semi-perv has access to it, but the highest levels of the government don’t. To me, the logic of this works better as an experimental, but official government treatment. It could be off book of course, due to its newness and perhaps Beth could be the first human test. But it strikes me as odd for an ex-spook to have more sophisticated resources than current spooks.

Pg. 55 “My father kidnapping me” If we’re going to be going deeper into Beth’s head, and learning more about her past, it might be good to set up an emotional stake in that at the beginning. I guess you could call this the flaw. From a plot standpoint, she searching for the memory. But from a character standpoint, you might have these dredged up memories force her to face some emotion or fact about herself that she’s been repressing. Something that needs to be overcome in order for her to get her shit together and complete the mission.

Pg. 64 I’m enjoying Tranter’s machinations. There’s entertainment in watching him power his way into authority. But if this our main villain, it troubles me somewhat that we don’t know what his ultimate aim is. At the very least it would be nice to have other characters speculate on what his end game might be. Without that speculation, it’s hard to know whether Tranter’s motive is a mystery the narrative intends, or a vagueness best left ignored. EDIT: Okay, this discussion happened on the very next page. I think that holds me over fine, assuming Tranter’s endgame is something interesting and worth the mystery. EDIT AGAIN: I don’t think it was ultimately interesting enough to really support the mystery. I think more tension could be gotten from knowing early on that Tranter is engaged in illegality, because we’ll know just how far he’s willing to go to stop Beth. This would add a layer of menace to every scene he’s in because we’d be the only ones who know his secret is probably worth killing for.

Pg. 70 Not entirely sure if the Beth/Paul relationship is headed in a romantic direction, but I’d keep it friendship. Beth is supposed to be a strong capable agent. Having her fall for a hobo over a couple conversations (while being hunted by intelligence agencies) makes her look flaky to me. Actually, even just leaving the apartment isn’t a bright idea, but I can understand things would get stagnant if she didn’t.

Pg. 72 I think a little more work needs to be done to justify the idea they would kill her on sight. If they think she stole a list of agents, she could’ve already passed that list to any number of people. The sensible thing to do here is capture her to find out what she’s done with it. And that’s assuming 100% certainty that she’s a traitor, which they don’t have.

Off hand I’m thinking, what about a scenario where whoever does have the names is selling them one by one to the highest bidder and getting agents killed. Now you have an ongoing crisis that needs an immediate solution, and if they think killing Beth now will prevent the release of further names then I can buy the ‘dead or alive’ rationale. It would also give Beth and Mason more to do in trying to clear her name. Right now there’s just too much time spent with her sleeping for this to be in the genre of spy thriller. There needs to be more pressure put on them. They need to be constantly on the move. Think of the sequence in INCEPTION where all the characters are asleep in the back of the van as the driver tries to outmaneuver motorcyclists with shotguns. Just because Beth’s asleep doesn’t mean there can’t be something kinetic going on around her. Maybe that’s coming, but this is the second time Beth has gone under in that apartment. I don’t think she should have the luxury of sleeping in the same place twice.

Pg. 85 “They can't go to the police, they would hand her over.” If the police would hand her over, then why did the gunman disperse when they arrived? Sure it’s a covert mission of sorts, but if they had the authority in that situation why not just order the police to stand aside and mind their own business?

Having Beth and Ashok team up with Mason taken out of the picture is a good instinct. Mason = stability and Ashok = the opposite. At this late stage you don’t want things to feel stable and having this odd couple deal with the situation leads to more tension then if Mason were the one still around.

Pg. 90 I’m assuming the female voice is Beth, but it was a little confusing. No need to disguise her identity, imo.

Pg. 93 Hey, there’s that action scene I was talking about It’s good, but I feel there should’ve been more of this kind of thing overall. I know there’s a problem inherent in having to put your protagonist to sleep for the key plot points and make action sequences that don’t feel tacked on. I wonder if they couldn’t be mixed in one instance. Maybe have her OD or something and wind up in a sort of waking dream where she has to fight off the bad guys, but at the same time is having hallucinations that are distracting and confusing her.

The ending does a decent job of tying things up. But it, like most of the story, suffers from Beth being asleep. I almost feel like it would’ve been better if it were a secondary character being put under and hauled around while Beth was the one in charge of getting info.

In terms of character, I think there were some missed opportunities with Beth. Her arc is unclear to me. She starts as an agent who is raring and ready to go. She seems totally, 100% into her job, so it’s weird to have the end beat play as though she’s finally free of all that. She wasn’t set up as someone who needed or wanted to be free of that. It kind of feels like you found that aspect of her along the way, but now you need to go back to that opening and plant the wariness. She should be asking Mason to not go on another mission.

That relationship could be beefed up too. Mason is responsible for saving her, but did he do it for her, or himself? Like in Breaking Bad, where Walter’s affection for Jesse is alternately genuine and manipulative, there should be a lot of friction between these two characters. Mason should feel a lot of guilt, not just for getting her into the agency, but for sending her on this particular mission. And Beth should wonder if she does her job out of responsibility to her country, or responsibility to Mason, the man who saved her. To that end, the memories she uncovers should lead to revelations about their relationship as well.

I also agree with the poster who said Beth should be the one to kill Tranter and save Mason, because once she saves him, they’re even, and with the crisis over I can see Mason repaying her by finally letting her retire like she wanted.

Anyhow, that’s just one way it could play out. You’ve got a good premise, now it’s just about getting the most out of it. Pull the characters into clearer focus, amp of the pace and energy, and you should have a nifty little thrill ride here.

Good luck with it,
Eric

Thanks all.

I have taken the script down as I have some exciting new ideas, and  a new approach, based upon the feedback given.

If at the end someone owes me a read, then they can have a look at the new draft . I would be happy, indeed encourage, further swaps on revised drafts if anybodiy's is up for this.

I will comment more in due course. I don't tend to do line by line comments on the feedback, more pick up generalised issues.

I still intend to read everyone else's script.

I will post a few questions on options I need to decide on and I would appreciate feedback on these.

Cheers

Hey, Bill. Was about to start this but saw you removed the link. Seems like you're looking at a new draft, send it across to me when you're finished. It might take a while for me to get to it, what with this OWC coming up (assuming I enter), but rest assured, I'll most definitely get to it. How much have you written, mate?

Cheers.