My Roommate, The Superhero by Josh Park - Series - A down-on-his luck worker at a sandwich shop and a superhero getting his start become unlikely roommates. Poor but determined, they both struggle to get their lives together. - pdf, format

Nice! Of course, for anyone willing to take a look at this, I'll return by reading whatever they've got. This started out as a podcast concept that morphed into a pilot. I've been AWOL for a while from these forums but I'm determined to do more stuff around here.

Hello!

Saw this on /r/Screenwriting and didn't know you were also a member of SS.

I wish there was more description of the customer. I pictured an old Jewish New York woman until the last line, but show us something. Old people say the funniest shit. I like having the dialogue mix in with the sandwich order.

Most cities require notice before eviction. So, for Darnell to be kicked out w/o notice doesn't work. At least for me. Something along the lines of, "You broke your lease and either you pay up, or you get out" works better. Also, cops. If you want him out immediately, get the cops.

I think Mark's situation isn't any better. Why the break up? I don't like opening outside the house. I know we're supposed to open on the establishing and all that, but why not open on whatever she throws? Why are they fighting? The scene itself is pretty flat. If you were trying to keep your girlfriend from leaving, what would you do? He just lets her go without a fight. What if the power going out causes the fight? He can't pay the bills - or he's irresponsible with paying them - and that's why she gets fed up and leaves? Cause and effect.

The charger bit is cute.

I agree with the Reddit review. They don't do enough together. It would be interesting to show both Mark and Darnell in their own worlds for a few minutes. They're complete opposites. Then show how they get together. Make it the Odd Couple with Superheroes.

Darnell isn't really shy about his powers, which works, but Mark is just kinda there. What if he's nosey? What if he's clingy?

I don't know if we need all the cop stuff yet. A little bit of a set up is okay, if the Chief is going to be a main antagonist.

Overall, I like the set up but there's not enough to it.

What if they've already been roommates and then something happens to Darnell? How does that change his relationship with Mark? What other heroes do you have planned?

I'm excited to read more. Good luck!