Not Born A Monster by Bill Sarre writing as Your Shadow - Short, Horror - A wealthy man seeks an unusual cure for his affliction. - pdf, format

One of the better ones, for me.

I didn't like the way he kept mentioning getting laid, maybe I'm just a prude.

There were small parts that felt a bit off. The way the bank account was open, even the way he killed him. I can't really put my finger on it, but the killing felt a little contrived.

Maybe of you just make finding that he's left his bank account open a bit more subtle, it would work better?

I also think, long term, the story would be better if it was without monsters...and was purely psychological. It works, but I think it would be even better if it was purely human evil, or at least metaphorical.

Love the title. Love the names of your characters. Easy to remember!

The dialogue is pretty good but at times it takes me out of the story. I think some of it could be cut...some of it is very very good though.

I liked this one a lot. One of the better ones in the pile I'm sure. GREAT Job.

Bravo, well done, one of the best of the day.
I ain't no prude, but Phelan's F-bombs distract.  You could remove half of them and he'd still be a memorable character.

I thought this one was pretty good. Low budget for sure.

I wouldn't call it an old fashioned hairdryer. They still use those, you know.  

I probably wouldn't use the name Lupus. Made me think of the disease. Surely there are other werewolfish names to chose from.

The writing was good and the story worked well. I knew as soon as you said the red light covered both of them that Phelan would become a werewolf as well, but other than that, great job!  

Writer,

This was pretty decent read for the alotted time. Moved quickly. Had a bleak atmosphere and stayed there throughout. In the end it didn't really have the scares or chills I was looking for. Very dialogue heavy with not much action except in the flashbacks/montages. It leaves me with a creepy vibe so the writing did its job. Just needed more action, IMO.

Steve

This was very well written but ultimately unsatisfying. I gather that Phelan contracted the werewolf "disease" from the physcial contact with Lupus, but it felt like a bit of a cheat to me. Did the machine aid in the transmission somehow? I think that's what the writer was going for, but it's not very clear.

Still, a solid effort that could made much better with another draft.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) Says he's in an industrial park, but there's a shop in it?
2) The scientist doesn't sound very scientific
3) A bit repetitive on how many years he needs removing

Good bits:-
1) Well paced
2) Interesting idea
3) Some great lines of dialogue
4) Definitely a different take on things

Rules
Yep, think this more or less fits, budget may be a stretch

Overall this was really well written and I liked the different take on things

Anthony

Anthony, a shop doesn't necessarily mean a store. It can also be an auto shop for example. Where they fix things. It's usually small businesses where they do work and store things like a plumbing company or a cabinet manufacturer.

This one ticks all the boxes of the challenge for me and was a good read. It needs work but this is a really good idea worth developing.

The setup could do with more thought. A rogue scientist, with a memory wipe machine that can wipe 50 years of memories, one that he uses on the side to finance his drugs and hookers; this is SyFy channel silly Sharknado territory. If you do a spot of research and apply current science to the story it would become a lot more believable. For example, Dutch neuroscientists recently devised an electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) to "target and disrupt patients' memory of a disturbing episode. So if Lupus wants to erase the specific memory of when he picked up the disease and target memories of him killing people, that’s a start and is a believable scenario based on current science. Just food for thought there.

Phelan needs developing. Sure he’s a dick but he’s a one-dimensional dick and doesn’t sound like a scientist at all.

I’m a big fan of dialogue but I also acknowledge if you can show it, do so and don’t tell. Outside of the confines of this challenge, I’d suggest you expand this and show us more of what Lupus tells us as it is very interesting stuff.

The twist was a good one, I didn’t actually see it coming and I love how the disease is not transferred through a bite or a scratch but by evil acts in proximity to the host; that’s certainly new!

I do like this one a lot, it shows a lot of potential.

-Mark  

I've got my bets about this author, too.  A Brit, for sure.  

THE GOOD:  The premise is sound, the setting good, the writing clean.  The mirror is used to great effect (though unclear why it is even there, if only to serve the purposes of the story).  Zooming through the wire is a nice touch.  The end adds a nice comic flair, as we find that Phelan is actually pleased with the outcome.  I liked that.    

THE BAD:  The procedure itself confused me, and by that I mean was this supposed to cure him of his affliction, or was he just going to be a werewolf with the mind of a 10-year old?  That could use some clarity.  It threw me off, anyway.  Phelan's dialogue eventually became repetitive to the point of annoyance.  He's jonesing and he's horny.  We get it.    

bert's grade:  B    

What does Jonesing mean?

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films What does Jonesing mean?

Ha...is that just an American thing?

Craving something in the worst way.  Usually drugs, but can be used for pretty much anything, as in, "Man, I am really jonesing for some coffee."

From Jones Alley in Manhattan, eh.

Never come across that before. Story in itself.

Writing was great in this one, however all the "gazing" going on set a repetitive tone. The setting seemed undeserving of description like "devoid of emotion". It's clear this writer has actual writing skills, so let's move on the story before the Structure Busters show up.

It wasn't the look, the tech, or twist that lost me. That stuff was really cool. I couldn't put a round turn on the whole greed/bank account/murder element. It should be noted with the werewolf angle, maybe it can bend a little because the monster is known to be more impulsive and reactive. I did like the visual of him struggling to kill, and hen finally getting it.

+ Writing and overall look of the script
+ Opening was engaging, stylish
+ Monster vs Monster

- Motives need support
- Archaic dialogue (not sure if this was on purpose)