SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 8:07am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Monster Spray - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Monster Spray - OWC  (currently 2475 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Monster Spray by Ernest William - Short, Horror - A little girl wants to know the secrets of a spray her mother uses to keep monsters away. - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
EWall433
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
423
Posts Per Day
0.11
I’ll say upfront that I chose this based on the Monster Spray logline, so at the very least that concept has legs with me.

If the conversation between the Mother and Girl is just prelude to the real story, it should probably be cut to a page and a half. Cracks about Dad and zombies are cute, but are they important?

Without getting specific or nitpicky, the writing needs some work. Page 3 is thick, over described, has a fair share of typos, but most importantly lacks clarity. Just one example is describing the DELIVERY MAN as the driver, then saying no driver is seen in the same paragraph. How are those two things happening at the same time?

This didn’t really do much for me. The thing that drew me to it seemed pretty absent. I’m guessing you had a concept, but not enough time to develop. Oh well. I still like the idea of a monster spray, I think the Mad Scientist could be cut out. Just stay with the little girl and mom’s “Monster Spray” and explore the girl’s curiosity in that context. IMO, that’s where the story is.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
An intriguing logline!

The (Present Day) in the scene heading threw me out of the story for a bit.

Oh I see, it’s because the mum is telling a story. Is it a story or the distant past? The conversation between the mum and girl read unnatural, the dialogue needs work but it shows potential.

The mansion and laboratory seems to blow the low-budget on this.

I have no idea what’s going on at the end.  Did it end? A pity, I think the Monster spray angle is a great idea but this didn’t quite work out for me I’m afraid.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
This had what seemed a very interesting premise, one that wasn't used at all.

Fizzled out into nothing. No horror. Big budget.

Not for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 24th, 2015, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) It's a one week challenge so being a bit rough round the edges is to be expected, but this could do with a polish.
2) PRESENT DAY and DISTANT PAST aren't in the right place in the slug, I think you show the PAST bit with the mail truck, so are these needed?
3) While his pace is not as fast - not as fast as what?
4) GIRL (off screen) - think this should be GIRL (V.O.)
5) You have the Mad Scientist and Igor go into the mansion without using and INT slug
6) And the end completely lost me!

Good bits:-
1) Fetch me the bunnies - love it
2) Igor as a dog and bunnies as slippers, also funny

Rules
Not sure this is low budget

Overall I thought the logline promised more and I don't really know what happened at the end or how it relates to present day.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Revision History (1 edits)
AnthonyCawood  -  October 25th, 2015, 11:47am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
SAC
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 10:42am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Interesting premise but not handles too well. I like the set up, with a chance for a climax or a twist. However, this seems to morph into some kind of cautionary tale that just doesn't seem fully realized. I get it you had only a week, but this one misses the mark.

I did like the dialogue early on, but this just doesn't work for me as horror. But keep on plugging away! What you have is decent, but needs a lot more. Keep on reading and writing.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
Grandma Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7961
Posts Per Day
1.36
This one was a little weird. I like the idea of the monster spray and was very curious about where this story would go.

There were lots of technical issues here. PRESENT DAY for example. I though I will ignore the precent part and just stick with DAY, but then it turns out it's night time in the scene itself...

I liked that Igor was a beagle. I thought that was cute. Then I reached the end and I was wondering where the story went. It was almost as if you literarily ran out of time at 11:59pm and had to quit. It just ended at what didn't even feel mid story.

I would like to see this story continue and hopefully have that monster spray in it. That's a good idea.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
bert
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
I am fairly sure I know who wrote this one.  

THE GOOD:  The premise itself is wonderful.  And framing this as a sweet bedtime exchange between mother and daughter is a good choice.  It is the quiet tone and the choice of subject matter that hints at the identity of the author.   Igor is a nice touch.  He should have a larger role.    

THE BAD:  Some of the dialogue is stiff, particularly early on.  Page 3 is sorely in need of a trim.  I would bet you could get that down to five sentences or so.  And the ending.  It just fizzles out.  If I am correct about the author, they said they were rushed, and this does feel rushed.  Not their best work, but the concept holds promise.    

bert's grade:  C    


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2015, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



The good news...

Bert and I seem to be using a similar style for our reviews this time around.

Your logline is intriguing...short and sweet and made me want to read on.

The not so good news...

Opening Slug - don't put something like "PRESENT DAY" in your Slug.  This is a SUPER, if anything.

Not naming your characters.

The bad news...

The writing is not good, sorry to say.  Right from the start, it's not good, but actually gets much worse.

Dialogue form both Mother and Girl does not seem remotely believable.

Writing mistakes of all kinds popping up everywhere.

Almost all dialogue up to Page 3, where I bailed, which leads me to a grade of...

D-
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 17
khamanna
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 2:28am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey writer.

This is a fun concept. The way I understood it - the girl is a monster and her Daddy turned her into a human? So, I really liked the premise here.

You need to work on formatting - like the song in the end should be formatted like the rest of the dialog.
Probably clean up the writing. Starting with the very first paragraph - looks like the door opens by itself. Then they start all those crazy smiles and smirks at each other - the girl and her morther - that read really weird.
I think you could have less of "smiles" at her. All those small actions take you out of a read IMO.
Less of exclamation marks - that makes me for instance think that it's a comedy. And it's not, right?

It's a light little read just needs grand cleaning in my opinion.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
PrussianMosby
Posted: October 26th, 2015, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Monster spray

Great title.

Margins and page numbers are incorrect.

This reads as a rushed entry.  I also miss the horror.  Rewrite needed. I want to see this monster spray, its usage, and more creepiness in this yet solid bedtime story. It has potential if rethought completely.





Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 4:24am Report to Moderator
Guest User



This one needs a lot of work.

3 out of 10.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 17
LC
Posted: October 27th, 2015, 8:01am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7583
Posts Per Day
1.34
Reads incomplete.

Not going to dwell on format etc. and perhaps this was rushed, but a lot of missing punctuation affected the enjoyment and distracted from the story unfortunately.

I love the idea of a Monster spray...
Unfortunately it didn't deliver on that idea.

Little helpful hint, if I may - you seem to believe ellipses = child's dialogue. You got the tone right, with the kid, nevertheless.

Unfortunately when Igor made an appearance I started to skim, and I have no real idea where the story went at the end, either.

Another helpful hint (I hope) 'lies in bed' not lays, for future reference.

It started off pretty well and I liked some of the ideas/imagery with the truck pulling up, the package at the door etc.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
Gum
Posted: October 28th, 2015, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
832
Posts Per Day
0.42
This definitely throttles the needle on a ‘Cute-o-Meter’, but I’m curious (as others) why it ended so abruptly when you easily had 3 more pages of real estate to put a cap on it?

“Is this about Halloween and the monsters those little boys at your school were talking about?”

Yup, been there, done that. One kid in my daughter’s class spilled the beans about ‘Bloody Mary’, and inadvertently made every kid within ear shot… sh!t the bed for a month.

“How many monsters does it take to change a light bulb?” … waiting. How can you just leave us hanging like that?

I was thinking, during the weaving of the spell: “What are little boys made of, Snips & snails & puppy dogs tails.”

You could whip pan over to Igor breaking the fourth with: “HUH!?”

Anyways, without a complete story to go on, it’s all just conjecture of course. I do like the concept though, it's kind of like Jack Black’s ‘Vapoorize”.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
IamGlenn
Posted: October 30th, 2015, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
692
Posts Per Day
0.20
Ernest William,

The logline definitely interests me.

Is this the shortest yet, at five and a bit pages?

Anyway, your slugs are wrongly written. Example: EXT. MANSION ESTATE – VERY CLOUDY AFTERNOON (DISTANT PAST)
Should be: EXT. MANSION ESTATE - DAY
You can describe how cloudy it is in the action lines. Distant past should be a super.

This is full of grammatical errors, formatting errors, spelling mistakes and more. The story itself isn't complete. It's the shortest one I've read so far, but why? It's incomplete. There's nothing here that I enjoyed, sorry to say.

Glenn.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2015 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006