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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Delightful Addiction Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Delightful Addiction by Houston Boykin  - Comedy, Dark, Satire - A school shooting proves opportunistic for three students who move to Germany as their response to the violent event. 89 pages - pdf, format


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Marcela
Posted: November 12th, 2015, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Houston,
I got to page 8 and found some technical issues. For example this one:
INT- HIGH SCHOOL- DAY
RYAN
Daniel some crazy fuck shot up the
school.
DANIEL
Well, it is flu season.
RYAN
There are people dead in the
hallways, this is no time to make a
joke out of everything.
Shock overcomes Danielís face.


First of all, we don't see Daniel because the slug line says INT HIGH SCHOOL, so Daniel should be DANIEL (O.S.)., which means he is off scene. That's also why we can't see that shock overcomes Daniel's face. Instead you could use 'Daniel is so shocked that he doesn't say a thing.' Or you can use intercut, and then we would be able to see Daniel.

The main thing, however, that I have issue with, is that as a genre you stated comedy, dark, satire, but there's a school shooting resulting in killed students in the script. I would either write a drama script about school shooting, or comedy script about students moving to Germany.


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Houston
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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The technical difficulty was a mistake on my part due to the writing. It was supposed to say that both of their faces are showing with Daniel on the right inside of his room and Ryan on the left in the high school. On to the issue regarding the school shooting in a genre of comedy. The point is that it's dark. Not many people have a dark style of humor. Putting satire goes to show how many serious movies try to have a serious feel yet come off as comical (Drawing a blank for examples). Now of course showing dead bodies if students could put some at discomfort but that isn't what the movie is about. The movie deals with how this event affects these three kids.  The shooting was such a small thought in my mind and I just needed something to get the movie off the ground. Also the school shooting was going to be a whole script within itself and I gave up on it and put it in this script.
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Dustin
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 3:18am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Hi Houston. If you want people to get through your story then you should learn how to write more actively.

The words 'is' and 'are' can really slow down a read and actually show a lack of professionalism on your part. Let's take your first action block.


Code

Two friends Ryan and Daniel are sitting on a couch in
Danielís cozy home. They are both watching Reservoir Dogs
and there is just silence except for the sound of the movie.



RYAN (12) and DANIEL (12) sit on a couch, watching
Reservoir Dogs.

Have I left out any important information?

Rewrite to get rid of most, if not all, of the 'is' and 'are' words. Participate around the site and you'll learn a lot faster. Good luck.


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Houston
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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This script is just a first draft. Thanks for the advice, I've become too accustomed to articulating everything that I write. I put this up on the site to get feedback on the first draft and take what I learn and apply it. Even while re-reading I've found a lot of mistakes. Most of the "jokes" seem stale. The script is subject to change.
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