Legend of Zelda: Rise of Heroes by Tor Cumberbatch - Short, Fantasy - Five years after the events of Ocarina of Time, darkness once again threatens the land of Hyrule. This is the introduction scene to a feature film with an original twist on the Zelda universe. 17 pages - pdf, format

Sorry, I couldn't get into this as it part and pacel of a video game.  My bad.

Best
Richard

Hmm, I tell you this, I'm not into any kind of fantasy movies ever, ever,

but these video games have amazing material to offer (if the IP would just be available somehow). Period.

The whole look of those games, the rules of the world, it's just
super imaginative, visually esthetic, colorful, extremely detailed.

I simply love the look of the Zelda games. It's dark, it's bright, it's everything.

And I don't understand why Nintendo strictly refuses to push it into the market.

I read those 17 pages and the issues are big with regards to the craft of screenwriting here. No doubt. The scripts purpose is serving fan-fiction, sure, so I don't address problems, till the writer will ask me for.

A very, very positive thing I noticed is, that the author really, truly knows what he's talking about. It feels like he knows one million times more about that material and world than I do. And that shows between the lines.

As said the craft is not there yet and unfortunately this is a cloud-castle since you need Nintendo on board.

Only chance is to research heavily for great insider contacts and addresses of Nintendo, then asking them if they're interested in making a movie. If you are a quite lucky guy of this world, they say, when you come back with a financing concept, they are open to further conversation. And exactly with that non-committal promise you could pitch it to the companies, searching for the geek who Needs to produce this. HAHA.

Of course the script needs to be perfect at that moment...

One of the very few fan fiction I'd put my eyes on with enjoyment.

Great you came up with this...

Tor, I take it that you're a kid. This is excellent work for a youngster and I bet you're the star of your class when it comes to writing stories.

I've heard of this, seen it around. I think that perhaps even one of my younger kids plays it on a handheld thing.

Not my cup of coffee at all. However, I would like to help you in regard to your writing. As you're aware, there's a big difference with screenplays in that we write as actively and as visually as we can. Right away on your first page, I can see places where you could tighten things up.

Code EXT. HYRULE CITY- SKY- NIGHT

First of all, you're missing spaces from your hyphens. There should be a space either side.

Code It's the STORM to top all storms. The sky ROARS with powerful gusts of wind and rain-- blowing in every direction. Streaks of LIGHTNING pound the Earth at an almost constant rate, while the BOOMING OF THUNDER inevitably follows.

There are a lot of words in the above. The storm to top all storms... like a hurricane? I don't know. You shouldn't be telling us this, you should be showing us... which you go on to do in the next few sentences. So that first sentence is completely unnecessary. We also already know we are in the sky, so why repeat that in the action?

So, if I clean up your second sentence (which should be your first, and using your own words it would read like this:

Powerful gusts of wind and rain blow in every direction.

Now if I clean the whole action block using the same method, it would read like this:

Powerful gusts of wind and rain blow in every direction.
Lightning crackles and thunder booms.

The only information missing is the 'almost constant' stuff which is bullshit anyway. Nobody cares about how many words you've written. Readers of screenplays expect a fast read. Unfortunately, and this frightened the shite out of me when I first learned it, your story must be interesting enough on its own. Fancy words and artfully constructed sentences are not going to win you any points, certainly not any that count.

It's a difficult balance to find, but you have the talent to get there, I'm sure.

Code We TRACK AN OWL-- heroically making the journey through this nightmarish weather. And with every streak of lightning just narrowly avoided, his venture becomes all the more epic. This is no ordinary creature.

Again, overwritten... but that is to be expected. Your whole script will be like this. Full of useless clutter. However, something else arises here. At least, moreso than the last action block, and that is the amount of telling going on. You're telling me the story rather than showing me.

Show me the owl narrowly avoiding being struck by the lightning, don't tell me. You can't tell us that it is no ordinary creature, this must be obvious from its actions.

That's all I have for now. You should join this site and participate. Hope to see you around. Good luck.