The Dungeon by Evan Davis - Short, Suspense - Three strangers wake up in a dark room and must figure out what is happening to them and what to do next. 9 pages - pdf, format

Is it pitch black the whole time? There is no description of anything. I have no idea where we are or what the people look like. All I think when I read this is voices over black. Try a little more detail into what is going on. Are they tied up? We find out thy are in cells, but not till a few pages in. Tell us at the start.

You have an action that goes for 11 lines. Break it up. It makes for an easier, quicker read.

Get red of 'is' 'are' and even 'and' in your descriptions.

All the best

BSaunders - Thank you very much for the feedback.  I am currently working on revising the screenplay utilizing the feedback you have given me.  When I am finished I will repost it.  If there is any other suggestions you would have I would greatly welcome them.  I am new to this and looking forward to learning as I go along and putting my story ideas out there.  Once again Thanks a lot!

I wasn't exactly sure how to submit the second draft, so I submitted it as a new project and in the comments section I indicated that it was a second draft of a previously submitted project.  I hope that was the correct procedure.  If not if someone could let me know the correct procedure and I will do that.  Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I believe that's the correct way. It's been a while since I've done it that way. I would suggest to look into using Dropbox for submission. It makes it easier for you to upload drafts.

Gabe

Evan,

Commetns are sometimes dark with meaning.

No, not really.  OK, the problem here is that you are working in a visual medium, and you give us a black screen.  How do we know it's a dungeon?  Why keep these people in the dark?  If I were someone harvesting body parts, I wouldn't keep people in wooden cells they can break out of or in a dark dungeon.  

This story has a nice kernel.  These thugs are harvesting body parts.  But if you stage it in a dungeon, the audience expects bad things to happen, and you lose the element of surprise.  In fact, you don't have a lot of suspense either because the audience is in the dark also.  So, the ending doesn't throw a curve or a twist.  The audience doesn't have an aha moment.  

Best
Richard

Richard, thanks for the feedback.  I've submitted a second draft that hopefully takes care of the "black screen" problem.  I don't think it's been updated yet so maybe check back in a couple of days and see if I've fixed that issue.  

"The Dungeon" was more of a working title, and honestly one I didn't/don't like.  But I wanted to get this submitted to get feedback on.  It's more of a atmosphere than a location.  Dungeon implies despair and lack of hope, which is the way the characters felt more than where they were actually located.  

You're absolutely right about the wooden cells, which is what happens.  I went this route for a couple of reasons:

1) there is a back story I chose not to include because I wanted the audience to have the same info the characters had, and quite frankly was afraid would be boring.  But I'll post it here (maybe I chose wrong and need to include it, let me know you're thoughts.)
My thought process:
A) I figured these guys would probably not stick around in the same place too long.  Mobility for them was key.  Throwing up makeshift cells quickly, cheaply, then leave and on to the next location.  So this wasn't a central base location for them to operate out of.
B) their plan is to have a quick turn around, get the people, get them harvested, and get the goods gone.
C) they drug the people get them in their cells then get them harvested.  They didn't think they would be their long enough to plan and implement an escape.  Something happened that slowed the process down (which is why they leave and come back so often, and also why they are checking to see if they have woken up).

2) I needed the characters to be able to escape and therefore have some hope of getting out of there.
3) when I wrote this it was a personal challenge to myself, to write a short in a singe location that could be made on a micro budget.  And while I succeeded in doing that, I probably failed in providing a compelling story by leaving out all the other info.

Thanks for the feedback and any additional thoughts you may have.

Also if you have time I'd enjoy feedback on another script I wrote "The Undone".

The second draft is now up.  Thanks everyone for the feedback and hopefully this draft fixes some of the issues addressed above.

Evan,  

I assume this is one of your first efforts as a writer. If not, my apologies. However, it reads as such.  

You've got a decent story, and set up. But where it goes and how it's revealed leaves you little room to make it tense, exciting. It's basically this happens, that happens, then the end happens. Your prisoners are in easy to break out cells so why didn't they all just escape? Is the other man too frail to bust through the wooden door? Then tell us that. I understand the woman may not be. The man who does break out reveals to us they're captors are harvesting organs. Maybe you should show us that. Show a dismembered body on a table. That's a good image and might work better instead of him just telling the others.  

Your action blocks are fine for the most part, but your sentences are filled with unnecessary words. In your opening you used the word "up" so many times. She stands up and... He gets up and...  She stands would work just fine. That's why the word up is unnecessary in these instances. She's not gonna "stand down."

I suggest you go over this again and find a way to tighten things like that. The wooden cell doors are a little strange as well. Easy to break out of. If these guys are harvesting organs I think they'd make enough money to afford steel bar doors!

The one image I loved was when the man came back in and said, "Girl? You awake?" It's good because he referred to her as just girl, implying that she wasn't even worthy of a name. Good job.

Overall it didn't work for me, but you have a decent premise, and with some more thought and creativity you could make this into a very tense, disturbing story. Good luck.

Steve

Steven, thanks for the feedback.  This is one of my first attempts, so no harm, I'm here trying to learn so feedback even not positive is constructive.  As far as the choice with the wooden door and not showing the other room I answered that in a comment above.  Please read my explanation for those things and if you can offer me some feedback on how to incorporate those explanations into the story that would be great.  I appreciate you taking the time and offering feedback and I would love to hear more from you in the future!  Thanks!

Yeah, I didn't read Richards comments, but they do echo the same issues. I can't tell you how to write a script, but I can say you're definitely in the right place as far as learning goes. This is a great place to learn and hone your craft.

Read a lot of scripts, Evan. Amateur as well as pro scripts. There are things you can borrow and incorporate, styles shown that will help you how to construct your script while at the same time making it your own. Your own style and voice will show through once you learn the basics!

Steve

Evan,

More comments from the crypt.

Lets look at the story.  Three people in wooden boxes inside a cell can talk to each other but have no idea how they got there.  If I'm one of those people, I want to know something about the other two, more than a name.  I know your back story, but that doesn't work well for me.  How long does it take to harvest organs?  I'm guessing with no need to preserve life, it's something achieved in an hour.  Cut, snip, pack in ice.  And why would these harvesters ever let their 'volunteers' wake up?  

Generally speaking, coincidence should not favor the protag.  When he breaks out of the cell, it shouldn't incapacitate the guard.  He can get that done, but the guard can't be so stupid as to get hit in the break out.  Then, there is the problem of not getting Laura out.  What hero leaves the woman in the cage?  I know you want her in place for the last line, but you can't make the protag stupid or callous because you want to.  

Last, the ending is still bleak.  The guys have been handled, and the woman is still caged.  Not an up ending.  So, it in some sense leaves the audience wanting.  

Best
Richard

Richard, once again thanks for the feedback and expanding on your previous criticism as well as new things for me to think about.  Given yours and others feedback about this script I accept that as it is right now, it's rubbish.  I've thought through the feedback I've been given and think I might have a way to fix some of the issues with the story (i.e. The wooden cells) and still maintain the back story of doing things quickly and cheaply for the bad guys (i.e. The wooden cells).  I'm going to scratch this and rework it.  Unfortunately I'll have to leave my plan of a single location and do multiple locations and also make it a longer script.  But hopefully it will improve the story line.  I hope I haven't annoyed you too much with this story and I hope you'll be willing to read over the revamp script when I have it done.  If you're willing maybe I can message you when I've got it uploaded for you to take a look.  I really do appreciate all the feedback.  Thanks!

Quoted Text Very little light shines into the room. There are four small makeshift wooden cells. Two of the cells are across from the other two with a small aisle way running between them

I would show where the light shines from (e.g., only the light from a small window – or only the light that creeps from under a closed door….)

Quoted Text Laura pulls herself together enough to follow the wall up and as she stands up we see her face through the hole in the door.

I got lost here – what does follow the wall up mean?

I think you need mini-slugs to separate these locations:

Derek’s cell

Sam’s cell

Laura’s cell

Quoted Text Derrek looks at the doors which are padlocked shut.

I would insert the word "cell" before door so we are not confused between the door the guard came through and the cell doors.

A little more dialogue to help me care about these characters. i.e., I think you need a bit more back story here.

I read from your posts that you are a newbie and with that in mind I think you show potential - it was a nice effort.  

David,  thanks for the feedback.  I had to google "mini-slugs" and if I understand correctly that's basically a secondary scene heading for a location within a location.  If I'm wrong please correct me.  I'm working on a rewrite/overhaul that will include more of the back story and I'll incorporate the other suggestions you gave in that rewrite.  Thanks a lot!