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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Beyond Treatment Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Beyond Treatment by Thorsten Loos - Short, Horror - A broken man has to relive the worst day in his life. Will he cope better this time? 9 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Angry Bear  -  December 9th, 2015, 3:01pm
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Equinox
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Tried a new tool for this one. Pdf it generates doesn't seem to work - or is it just me seeing Ê instead of blanks? Weird thing is, offline it works, so it's got to be my browser. I've converted it back to Trelby and fixed the PDF. You can find the fixed script in my signature until someone exchanges the link.

Sorry about that.


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Erica
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Oh wow, that is a strange one with the PDF.

I'm not sure about asking a question in a log line.  I'm no expert and I know my log line needs help but from what I've read that should be avoided.

I'll read the script now.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thor,

Worked fine when I downloaded it.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Thorsten,

A few thoughts, just my opininion of course...

1) The first slugline... are we really inside a couch? I think it should be INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY.
2) Should be 'stubble on his face'
3) I think the second para could be better phrased something like... he sits behind an empty desk and stares out of the window.
4) An attractive womain in her thirties... would read better.
5) Larry's eyes focus ON her

There's other errors in the script, but I know English is your second language... sogo through it again, maybe use an online grammar checker like Ginger to have another sweep.

In terms of the story...
1) Why is Larry targetted, the guy who breaks in calls him out by name but we get no explanation for this.
2) Why does Larry have a gun but wont use it (first time), I feel there needs to be some reason he lets his wife get killed.
3) I don't buy that they'd sned him to a clinic for night terrors, surely he's just move house or get sound proofing?
4) The Dr seems to take a massive risk at the end, what if he'd got a different gun?

I think this would work better with the threat of the clinic removed, replaced with his own need to find some peace and respite, and I personally would prefer a reason for the attack

Hope that helps some.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Erica
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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So the story is interesting but it leaves a lot of questions for me.  I guess that's the hard part about writing a short script.

Like Anthony said,
Why was Larry targeted in the first place?
Why couldn't he fire the gun?
I don't think the intruder would go check to see if the woman was dead first before taking care of someone in front of them pointing a gun at them.

I felt the doctor was a little on the nose with her dialogue.

Quoted Text
EMILIA
I'm sorry, Larry. I don't see an
alternative. I really tried to help
you, because this whole thing
wasn't your fault. You're a victim,
not an offender, I know that. It
breaks my heart, but I can't let
you go on like that. You're a
danger... A danger for others and
for yourself.


At the end, does it mean the treatment failed because he basically going to kill the next person that walks in the door?


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Equinox
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

Couch doctor, it's colloquial for psychiatrist, isn't it?

the idea is he's got a fear psychosis. Can't move, is paralyzed by his fear. So he can't pull the trigger. Losing his wife that way because he is unable to act when he could is what breaks him afterwards. Feelings of guilt.

I thought the reason for the attack doesn't matter for the story. I could remove his name and it could be a purely random robbery. His life became a mess because he couldn't act. He gets the chance to live through the situation again and is cured, only to end up with an even worse mental illness.

About the clinic, from the dialog with his doc you get to know he was in the clinic before. They let him go, but he keeps making trouble. He's still not a healthy man again.


Thanks for the read!


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Equinox
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Erica,

thanks for the read as well. Same questions, same answers, see my post above.


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LC
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox
Couch doctor, it's colloquial for psychiatrist, isn't it?

Not round my neck of the woods.

Time for the 'couch' perhaps but, 'Shrink' is the word you're looking for.





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Equinox
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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Couch Doctor

Seems to be an american thing..


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Equinox
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Just updated the link in my signature with a newer version.


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Dustin
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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At least I know there's somewhere to go when my settee gets ill now. Not that it ever has, or that I'm wishing it does. I wonder if there's insurance for this type of thing?


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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox
Couch Doctor

Seems to be an american thing..


Naa, Shrink is better to use in dialog scenario. I guess you can have a character say couch doctor or quack,  but in a slugline I'd stick with Psychiatrist Office or Doctor's Office.

BTW, what ya mean by "American Thing?" My Mother was born in Germany, been living in the States longer than Europe now. Moved back to Germany for a year but came back to the States cuz Germans said she was too "Americanized."  lol, I find that funny as shit.
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Equinox
Posted: November 26th, 2015, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,

I mean it's U.S. slang, not british at least according to the link I posted above
I don't know where I initially got it from. I have an excel file where I note stuff I find while reading english texts, so I must have read it somewhere before.

Yeah, well, I've been working with many Americans before, and I like how they generally take things much easier than the people here. More receptive and flexible in their thinking. Sometimes it feels like in Germany there have to be rules or conducts for anything, if you deviate from them, you are categorized as crazy. Probably one of the reasons why people here still have problems getting used to foreign cultures.


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Marcela
Posted: December 4th, 2015, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Thor,
I absolutely loved this short. I loved when Larry says: 'Fucking look at me! If I had the guts to kill myself I'd have done so a long time ago.'
Page  4 - I struggle to visualise the floor plan of the apartment.  I presume Larry is sitting in a study or living room, so how come there's a bathroom door nearby? Okay, now, after some thinking, I remember I've been to an apartment that would accommodate your story.
I don't need any explanation for Larry not pulling the trigger - some people freeze in extreme situations, I suppose.
I loved the twist on page 7 when Larry discovers that the attacker was his psychiatrist! I didn't see it coming. It is a bit far fetched that a psychiatrist would use such an extreme therapy, it kinda turns into a sci-fi here.
I liked the ending, especially your trick with him being clean shaven and all that and then it turns about he hasn't been cured at all.
As for the first slugline, I thought it meant they were sitting on a couch! I would go for Psychiatrist Office - that will have international appeal.
Keep up good work
Marcela


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