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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  When World's Collide Moderators: bert
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  Author    When World's Collide  (currently 1638 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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When World's Collide by Terrell L. Frazier  - Action, Adventure - Some of our favorite anime characters come together in a melodrama to save each other's universe.  87 pages - pdf, format



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 30th, 2015, 10:28am
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Opened this up for a quick look and had to stop fairly quickly...

1) This doesn't follow 'standard' script format at all, please read some prodcued scripts and fix this... no one will read it or take it seriously as it is
2) Movies with Narrators tend to have one, occasionally two... you introduce eight! in the first two pages.
3) Scripts should be written in an active style/voice, and you have loads of passive sentences and some that mix the two, e.g. YORUICHI closes her eyes and took a deep breathe
This should be YORUICHI closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
4) You don't properly introduce any of the characters, so I don't know if they are male or female, what they look like, how old they are etc...

The script needs some serious attention I'm afraid.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Terrell,

The logline needs work. Trim it way down. I think the title was an old 50s movie as well, is this a remake?

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TonyDionisio  -  December 6th, 2015, 10:12pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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This looks a lot like something my son has just written. He's always writing stories and building websites dedicated to his favourite things. Of which, Anime is one.

Code

FADE IN:”ATTACK ON TITUNS PT 1”



Don't put the title after FADE IN: Just the FADE IN: will suffice.

Code

SPACE-MILKY WAY GALAXY



The above is correct in that you don't need to use EXT. or INT. Also in that it doesn't need a DAY and NIGHT. Space is space. However there should be a space either side of the hyphen. Like so:

SPACE - MILKY WAY GALAXY

Code

The story begins in outer space.



Screenplay writing is visual. You write in visuals. So you can't tell us that the story starts in space. You must show us. And you have. The slugline, which is a visual reference of location, already alerts us to the fact that we are in space. So this sentence is unnecessary.

Code

Various characters from
World’s Collide explains the epic tale as to why they will
soon come together as the audience is drifted away in many
various parts of the universe.



Again, you're telling us stuff that the characters will do anyway as soon as they show up. Or you could use VO and describe them later. Simply describe the voices instead.

Only write what the viewer will see on screen.

Code

KARI (NARRATOR)

In the Time Long Forgotten in a time of
great turmoil and depression befell great
warriors. Godlike leaders born to restore
order in their failing universes



You're not supposed to have a line space between the character name and the dialogue. What would solve this issue for you is free screenwriting software. It does it all for you. Might be a little strange at first but you'll get used to it in no time. Try Celtx, Trelby or Adobe. All free.

What you're also doing with the narration is telling us the whole back story in one massive chunk with very little visuals. This is something we call exposition. It's ugly and usually we bury it behind exciting visuals and/or conflict so that it is disguised, and therefore tastes better, like vegetables in a stew.

Code

Silhouettes of the HOLY ONES and the GLUTTONS clashed in
the final frontier (space) tearing the galaxies almost
completely apart the Multiverse was red like blood with
Black huge patches and numerous of huge debris and dead
bodies float around.



You should write in the present. So rather than clashed, they clash right now, right in front of us.

I had a quick read and story-wise this is very good, I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future.

Revision History (1 edits)
TonyDionisio  -  December 7th, 2015, 4:30am
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Marcela
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Terrell,
I think you pasted synopsis where a log line should be! You are very lucky that some members went on to read your script!


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