Charlie's Bad Day by Charlie's Bad Day - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Charlie woke up every morning to the perfect wife, perfect life. Then one day he takes a small blow to the head and that world and himself disappear 11 pages - pdf, format

Ian,

This one reminds me of a twilight zone, just not as polished.

First, the writing needs work.  u does not equal You.  You can't add 'they continue to kiss' to the end of a dialogue line.

Don't say the office 'appears' to be empty.  Just call it 'empty'.  There are other errors that need to be fixed by a thorough edit.

The formatting needs work also.  You CAPITALIZE a character's name the first time he's introduced.  After that, it's lower case.  You have a couple of large text blocks that should be rewritten to reduce the number of lines.  Scrub them down.

Remember that slug lines generally need some indication of time--day, night, evening, later, continuous, etc.  Wrylies are overused too.  Make sure their needed.  The dialogue should reveal the emotions involved.

I know your opening purposely uses corny dialogue, and I don't think you have to include that in the script.

The story isn't bad, although it's been done.  Someone invents a make-believe world because of some incident in their past.  Your challenge is to make your story original.  Can you think of a more clever way to introduce the protagonist?  Can you make the opening more perfect and shorter?  Can you make his efforts to discover the truth more poignant and varied?  How about he tries to chase down his wife at work?  Since you mention parents in scene 1, how about he tries to find them?  If his world is going to implode, and he's going to fight it, show him really fighting it.  Friends, enemies, the clerk at the bank, the bartender at his favorite bar.  Chuck can chase him down in a variety of places.

Keep writing.

Richard