Run That by Temitayo Akinsipe - Series, Comedy - Run that is a half hour comedy about an eccentric top level criminal. His life of crime continues to escalate, while the FBI struggles to apprehend him. 32 pages - pdf, format

I read it and I have some notes.

First of all, use punctuation. At the end of lines, rarely was there any punctuation. Secondly, when we meet a new character, put their name and only their name in all caps. Thirdy, name all of the people that are in the scene at the start of it at the beginning of the scene. Tell us what they are doing. You had this at the beginning, but at the end it was absent.

There were a couple of other gramatical errors. On page 3, David's name should be capitalized. On page 11, use "no" instead of "know". On page 26 "If he tried to cut off my balls. I'd give him everything." should be one sentence, not two.

There were a couple times where I found myself very confused. The first was at the beginning. What do we see at the start? If we see nothing, then don't say that we are in the library until we see the library. On pages 12-13, is David pointing the gun at the lady? This was unclear. Also,on page 26 I got the impression that the police were dumb. Was I supposed to?

There were also some story problems. The tag scene is not the place for important information. In Act Two, Quentin and Rose hardly appear at all. It seems like we are missing some sections of the story. I feel like this would work better as an hour long series. It doesn't really feel like a comedy series. If it was an hour instead, you could include so much more story. It felt like there were a lot of gaps.

There were some things that I really liked, and I wanted to let you know of those. I loved the twist at the end of the first scene. I loved the line "Excellent point. Give me a second reason." I thought that the place where you ended the first act was perfect.