Chords by Andrew Herlan - Short - Hendrix, Van Halen, and Clapton rolled into one? That would be JAISON FREDERICK. Even at the top, Frederick is quelching up and coming players and surrounding himself with a cocoon of money and fame. This is until he receives a series of anonymous invitations to be the best guitarist of all time. But what does that truly mean? - pdf, format

Andrew,

Some notes.

We start with the radio interview.  Works for me, nice and short.  The next scene is OK.  

The limo scenes don't work for me.  Why bother with the blather?  Drop him off and let it go.  

I don't buy the bartender's line. Too formal and probably unneeded.  All that's important is the money.

the chummy band scene is OK.  Needs a bit more conflict.  Perhaps the drummer missed something?

The next scene works for me.  NOt sure exactly what Jaison is doing, and I think it needs a tad more conflict.

The limo scene is unnecessary.  Just put him in the house and avoid the cost of the limo.

The next scene is typical.  Drunken artist who regrets the girl he left behind.  Been done.  Think of a new twist?

The envelope and message--hmm.  Isn't he already the best there is?  

Now we have the artist doing a recording that isn't quite right.  fine.  Throwing in the second envelope and now an appointment doesn't work for me.  Why not include that info in the first note?  And why another note.  Think of something different, something musical?

Don't need the hype scene.  We already know he's famous and the best.

And the pick up the girl scene.  Although this one puts in Michael who seems mysterious enough.  Might flesh him out a bit.

And back to the house with the girl to be used and more drinking.  A bit cliche at this point.  

Coincidence puts him where he needs to be.  And he makes a good decision.  Go for the interview.  At this point, I'm surprised he remembers.

I do like that the door is locked until the appointed hour.  Works for me.

And the meeting with the star chamber.  Since this is the first real hint that Jaison has systematically taken out younger talent, I'm a bit out of water.  Can you show us the effects of his contracts prior to this?  How about a kid who was a great guitar player but not plays on a cruise ship far from the bright lights?

And we get a moment where Jaison, after all this work, suddenly dumps it all?  Without a fight?  Sorry, I can't buy it.  

And Zach becomes the new best guitar player.  Who happens to walk out of a club and finds Jaison not happy with his long lost love.  Nope, I don't like coincidences that work for the protag.  

And Jaison has become a new man and the best he could be.  OK, a bit on the nose, but I'll run with it.

I think you can improve this one by cutting ruthlessly and showing more.  If Jaison is sabotaging the young talent, show it.  If he's miserable without his Jenny, show that.  Every girl becomes Jenny.  And give the mysterious group a reason to redeem Jaison.  What is in him that warrants their intervention?  What plans do they have for him?

Best
Richard

Hey Andrew, I really enjoyed reading it. It's interesting and it's fun. But I got confused about everybody's intentions towards the end and didn't get the ending at all.