A Suburban Affair by Patrick Cavanagh - Drama, Thriller - When a comfortable family man discovers his mid-20s daughter is dating his womanizing neighbor and that neighbor is a killer, he must risk his life to save her.  97 pages - pdf, format

Hey Patrick.

So some of your descriptions are a little puzzling for me.  "2.5 kids", "cookie-cutter neighborhood", not sure what any of this means but maybe it's me.

You have this roundabout description of James where he's not exactly this but not exactly that.  "Decent shape, thinning hair" is a valid description at half the length.  Also some attributes which would not be illustrated at first glimpse.

With the deli slug, you waste a line with "...the deli", not sure why.

"He's done this before."  We don't know that.

"This happens every morning"  Another thing we don't know.  As the audience, all we have to go on is what you visualize in the action lines and dialogue.  Nothing before the opening scene can be known by us unless someone actually says it.  If James had whispered this passage to a fellow commuter, than it would be valid but everything in your action passages can only be seen/heard.

Three pages in and we've got a normal man going about a typical day in between a good amount of unfilmable details.  There isn't anything really going on.  My suggestion would be to cut out all the mundane detail and get to the meat of your story.  As is, I'm not biting.  Hope this helps.

Good luck with it.

-John