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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Dames with Games - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Dames with Games - OWC  (currently 2282 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dames with Games by Mark Moore - Short, Comedy - A wingman accidentally hooks his buddy up with an unruly girl. - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:40pm
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StevenClark
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This was just silly, twisted fun. It actually adheres to the parameters, though fir a little while I thought it wouldn't. A few laugh out loud moments got me -- the other board game titles. A few typos in there. Might wanna clean them up. But otherwise not bad. One issue I had was with the ending. Not fully satisfying, kinda leaves us hanging. Still, it was fun.

Good effort.

Steve


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Dames and games

Comedy - well done, and I hope readers cut you slack. Quite frankly comedy is harder than every other genre and should be accepted in that way.

Now let me read and slag off your entire script....joking...here goes...

Brilliant start - pipes, bravo

Don't need a mini slug of dining room, put it in the main slug

Five years - good line. This feel like a Brit or Aussie writer...I wonder

Butler - nice linkage, and diversion, as we'll as humour

Oh, USA politics...

Finished

I like the idea of desperate men and things go wrong. Can't say why...  Anyway, this seems to change tone a tad too much for me, but there some good lines. Gets a bit politics for me, for a script.

Well done for trying. I enjoyed a lot of it, until trump entered it...gosh that sounds weird.



My scripts  HERE

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irish eyes
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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A comedy... woohoo

I'm sure it'll be called a Pisser by somebody

Off to a great start, I like the relationship between the 2 friends.. Funny shit.

Wow...  i had to google those games and apparently they're all real... that's sick.
ahh Linked to Trump, now the racism makes sense

A very creative way to use operation... kudos to that.

I would have had Ben have sex with the corpse at the end would have been better

Great Job for one of the few comedies on show


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Just my opinions...

See you did your research and came across some of the same games I did

Liked some of the banter, and the idea of a niche dating site was clever too... the conceit that he's so desperate for a woman that he'd entertain a white supremacist was good too.

But, then the end seemed to go into a place that I didn't think had really been set up.

So some decent ideas but didn't all hang together for me.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Stumpzian
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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I suppose I should read this again to give it a fair shot. But I don't want to.

Lord, couldn't you have spelled masturbate correctly? Did Mr. Cheetoes write this?

So, they play Operation, and what happens in the game happens to Tiffany. Ho-hum.

Game Over.



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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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I'm afraid I've got nothing positive to say about this one. Seems like it was written in ten minutes.

You really need to work on spelling, grammar, punctuation etc. This was a mess and maybe that was due to the fact that it was rushed. If not, you really need to pay more attention to the technical aspects of writing.

The story made zero sense to me and the supernatural twist at the end was bizarre as it hadn't been set up at all and was at odds with the rest of the script. The character actions were unbelievable as well, as was the premise. Sorry but it just didn't work for me on any level.
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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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I guess it was clever.  Why did the game happen to her in real life?

I'm not a Republican, but, I thought it was a bit of a low blow...

It was funny, but, far too many questions for me.

5/10


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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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As stated previously some funny lines, but it did nothing for me except having me think whereabouts in my review was I going to reference Donald Trump.... And then the script did it ! That was my laugh out loud moment!


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Gum
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Ambitious stab at a world on the edge of turmoil, coupled with political satire, what have you. I had some LOL moments with this and, the strange turn of events at the end was imaginative enough.

I managed to suspend disbelief of Tiffany appearing to placate Ben's lonely existence, so why not the arrival of Kaybe?

IMO, I felt it was missing some element of the supernatural to tie it all together, otherwise, it just kind of jumps around with no particular intention... except to murder the offspring of a politician?
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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Sloppy in places (typos, etc) - but I guess that is part of the time pressure of the OWC.

Andre's reaction to his friend jerking off didn't work for me - far too casual. It should have been a yuk moment.

The mixture of comedy with horror didn't work for me here. Maybe it's just me.  


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RichardR
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I had a hard time with this one.  The humor didn't work for me.  I do like the premise--get a babe to come to the house and play games.  When it boiled down into silliness, I bailed.  Sorry.

Best
Richard
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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Busen memo?
I had to look that game up, had no idea what it was, and no wonder...

I am so glad that opening was the character watching porn. It was a relief.

Moving on: Something to be said for the acute observation of a bereft or heartbroken character - drinking, wanking, and crying, all at the same time. There's nothing sadder and funnier. But you need more substance and focus and unfortunately this is all over the shop.

There is some nice comedy in your opening - on screen it would probably work - stereotypical slacker humour routine.

But then plot wise unfortunately it all falls apart with a hotchpotch commentary of sexism, racism, Donald Trumpism and I'm not sure even you could decide what your story was about. I lost it at this point as well, sorry.  Written in a rush too, if I had to guess, and not enough real game playing.



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stevie
Posted: January 26th, 2016, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Hmm. This had some classic comedy bits the on seemd to veer into some other territory.

A couple of Aussie slang terms - choking the chicken and dong - perhaps to throw the 'blame' onto other writers? Lol.  

I may need to read it again tomorrow as I'm so tired at the mo.


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Dustin
Posted: January 26th, 2016, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Code

A young handsome rugged MAN, 35, with a Baywatch body skims
the pool ever so gently. He glances over his shoulder to
see a smoking hot older WOMAN, mid 50's with a body of 25
year old pre pregnancy remove her robe, dive into the pool.



Not a good first action block. I'm already getting the vibe that this writer doesn't know what they're doing. Or, just doesn't care.

Code

MAN (O.S.)
Of course he would, any man would,
clean my pipe.



What? Is this mid 50s woman now actually a man?

Code

masterbate



Seriously?

The dialogue kills it at the bottom of page one. Not my thing, sorry.


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