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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Lawn Dart Massacre - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Lawn Dart Massacre - OWC  (currently 3232 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2016, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lawn Dart Massacre by Sean Durant - Short, Comedy - Excessive alcohol consumption and lawn darts.  Can anyone survive the deadliest game ever created by the American toy industry? - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:43pm
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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OK, my observations as a newbie.

I thought the character descriptions went on too far. I got it very early that these good ole boys were, well who they were. The action read more like a short story rather than screenplay.

Bit of an obvious conclusion when Mel picked up the Lawm Darts. And we followed it all the way to the end. Was a bit stale by the time Chuck darted off. Maybe if Mel had engineered the game  somehow to get the boys to dart each other (probably wouldn't take much with these knuckle heads) it would have improved the story... I saw Mel as intellectually superior and would have liked him to conjure something more than this basic means of dispatch.  

There's was some serious beer drinking happening there as well.



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Ryan1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Here's another one that felt like a rush job.  Pretty basic, straightforward story with three jerks getting their comeuppance.  I liked how Mel slayed them using a real game, but was hoping that he would find a more intelligent way to do it.  The deaths happened too quickly, IMO.  Could've used a couple more pages to add some layers to this story.
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Hunter
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Why do the other three hang out with Mel? They don't like him, he is the definite odd one out. What brings him to the others? Maybe he is a sibling of one of them?

Would grown men really pants someone at work, as they discuss doing? That's like middle school.

How are the men standing when Mel throws the dart and it hits Rick? I got the impression that they were in a line, and that wouldn't really work, would it? Would be hard to make it look like an accident. Also, why does he ask about the capital of Utah?

How is Chuck not suspicious after Mel throws darts at two of them and is very casual about it? You'd have to play him off as the trusting, not so bright type for that to work.

Again, the pranks mentioned at work don't seem realistic. Crapping in someone's lunchbox? Hell, a wedgie would be more realistic than these.

Mel seems smart, but I immediately doubted that he would get away with this when he called 911. He left fingerprints on the darts, but he seems like someone too smart to do something as simple as that.


I would love feedback on any of these!
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SAC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

Fun little tale but it ends up pretty standard -- everyone dies, and though its always good to see an underdog exact his revenge, it doesn't carry its weight here. You had a decent pace going, and the writing was pretty good. Just needed more tension, more punch.

Overall, decent effort.

Steve


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JohnHunter
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Good effort. "Stars are just beginning to come into view." Could be tighter. Drop the 'are' and 'ing' -- "Stars come into view."


"There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer." - Honus Wagner
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/john-hunter
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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*spoilers*

Mel came across different, which was the point, but against the hilarious dialogue of the other three, I had a hard time getting into him. That could be part of the fun here, I just think his character would be the most challenging for an actor to sell.

This had me laughing the entire way. The writer captured the essence of redneck stereotype, almost all of the jokes were hits in my book. Good visuals for the story too.

Depants? That's a bit odd. Not sure about it, could work.

I enjoyed when they had to finish beers before helping their pal. Also, when they got pissed off that the Government banned lawn darts. Good job!

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Trojan
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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The average reader is going to have to suspend their disbelief on a few things here for this to work. In the end, it's just a bit over the top and the actions of the characters aren't at all realistic.

Somewhat entertaining story though where the victim gets his revenge on the bullies, but just felt a bit forced.

Nice attempt.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Lawn darts

I liked the idea, but wasn't such a fan of the script.

I suppose I can only suspend so much disbelief,  like a bloke deciding he would have another beer whilst two are dying.

Crap in the lunchbox - made me laugh

Mel is one hot shot with those things. And wouldn't his prints be all over them??

Anyway, fun and simple, but needs a tad more. But it could happen


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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A thought or two...

Would these four really drink Bud Light?

Clearly a comedy, but after a couple of pages I wasn't feeling it.

Decently enough written but just didn't make me laugh.

Could well be my tin ear for comedy though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Format et al all tight enough - scene descriptions work.

I have the same issue with this as I have had with a couple of others - the dialogue and actions after a horrific event just don't sync up. e.g.: Right after the dude gets the dart embedded in his head:


Quoted Text
Stein finishes his beer, crumples the can on his forehead,
grabs a new one before he jogs over to Rusty.


So the friend gets a fatal blow and Stein's reaction is to crush a beer can and grab another? This is true with each of the killings. It's a derailment for me.

I do like the premise - the nerd takes revenge. But you have to go that way full tilt IMO if you want it to pay off.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not exactly the toughest guys drinking 'Bud light' I guess that adds to the comedy appeal.

I enjoyed the over the top  for what it is. Nothing taken serious throughout and that's what makes it a comedy.

I think some peeps are asking too many questions for it to be believable... It's a comedy!!!

A comedy is an exaggerated drama.

Good job writer


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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Do manly men drink Bud Light (they do watch their figures right:  Oh my god, his arse is so))))


This was clearly odd, but, it was a fun read, I laughed a few times.  You push the disbelief to the edge, and i don't think you went over...

You should have the Brit call 911 after the first accident.  It'd make more sense...

8/10


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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was all over in a hurry. No real twists or turns - Mel just gets his revenge. Didn't really get the comedy element of this sorry to say and just not enough to it for me. I didn't really feel for Mel which is what I think you need to do prior to showing his vengeful actions.

Novel idea though which needs quite a bit more added, and perhaps make it black comedy or straight horror - sure is interesting to see the games that were even allowed on the market. I came across this one the other day in my 'game research' travels.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know why people have issues with them drinking Bud Light.  It's one of the biggest selling beers in the US and I don't think it's the women sucking them down.

Anyway, this one went by fast. I didn't quite buy into them dying by lawn darts, but I guess that was the game you chose. Maybe rethiink the darts and where they hit and how.

There wasn't much to this story other than Mel getting revenge. IMO, that needs to be explored a little more.

Writing went by fast and easy, so good job overall.


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